We return for the second half of this week with Daniel lying down in bed, counting his abs.
The main storyline right now is Nick vs. Josh, Round 2. It is clear as day that Amanda is into Josh, as her tongue seems to be permanently attached to his tongue. It’s gross. I’m also just jealous, so whatever.
Honestly, I feel bad for Nick, and any situation where you feel bad for Nick Viall is weird as hell. But he’s right; it’s like he never even had his date with Amanda. She ditched him cold turkey. So overnight, Nick has gone from public enemy #1, to America’s Sweetheart. #nickforthebachelor
Christian shows up from Jojo’s season. He didn’t really have a storyline because he went home fairly early, but he seems like a standup dude and is pretty easy on the eyes. Terrible hairline though. He swoops in and grabs Sarah, and Damn Daniel gets jealous and does NOT want them going on a date, but it’s not looking good for our guy. Christian asked Sarah and she said yes. Aw, poor Daniel. It is not his time to go home because we’ll miss him too much.
Nick and Daniel chat about how Evan and Carly are doomed, which is mostly because Evan loves Carly and Carly is actually repulsed by him. Same.
We get side by side conversations of Carly telling the girls about how AWFUL their date was, and Evan telling the guys how GREAT their date was. Think like, the opening scene of Grease when Danny and Sandy are both telling their love story. Except this isn’t a love story. It’s a tragedy.
“So you guys kissed for 1 minute and 41 seconds?” – Vinny
“Um 1 minute and FORTY-SIX seconds. I have the plaque to prove it.” – Evan
Carly says that when she woke up she had an epiphany that she needed to sit down with Evan and break it off. Line of the night: “He’s only concentrating on men’s boners, he’s not concentration on lady boners.” She tells Evan she is not interested in romantically dating him. He says it’s tough, and leaves her on the beach, probably to go cry.
Evan is treating this like his girlfriend of 5 years just dumped him. Dude, you’ve known her for two fucking days. Stop. Crying. You are not going to die alone because you got dumped on a TV dating show. Your life is not over. I wish your time on this show was over, Evan, but unfortunately you have a few more days left. Get over it.
Sarah and Christian are on their date zip lining through the tropics, rappelling down mountains in the rainforest, and just living it up. Weird that they gave the girl with one arm the physical and outdoorsy daredevil date….
Now Evan is on his sympathy tour 2016, sitting around wallowing in his own sad filth. He is contemplating leaving (PLEASE) because he doesn’t want to wait for a rose ceremony to get rejected. As much as I would love to see him get rejected again, I get it.
Another dude shows up, and even Chris Harrison doesn’t know who the fuck he is. His name appears to be Brandon and he claims to have been on Desiree’s season. If Chris Harrison has to ask you “how do I know you?” you probably shouldn’t have been invited on this show. Chris Harrison drills him with questions about being on the show to make sure he isn’t an imposter. He even says “It’s nice to meet you!” Shade. I love it. I hope he’s there to meet Izzy (?)
Everyone at the resort thinks he is part of the crew that they haven’t met yet. Brandon has the fuckboy haircut so he is ready to rock. He has a date card, and immediately goes for a twin. Then he talks to Carly, and somewhere Evan is sobbing into his 1 minute and 41 second kiss plaque.
Carly is vibin’ Brandon, because he’s the only guy there for her TO vibe, basically. He asks Twin 2 on the date. Poor Carly. Just pull a Lace and sit at the bar and throw back some Patron. It’s free.
Christian returns from his date with Sarah to talk about how great their date was, and Daniel is in the background looking like a sad little puppy. We are finally seeing the soft side of Daniel, and I am here for it.
Amanda and Josh have not stopped making out since they got back from their date. Have they come up for air at all? Have they even had an actual conversation? Are their lips getting chapped? Are they eating in-between tonsil hockey sessions? I am concerned.
Daniel decides he is going to create his own date, and scoops Sarah up and takes her to a romantic bed on the beach with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. He is pouring his heart out to Sarah and it is seriously melting my cold, icy heart. When he’s not talking out of his ass about being an eagle, he is actually genuine and soft. Or he is just acting and is fucking with all of us.
He talks about being an eagle again and that he is going to sink his claws into what he wants. New drinking game: take a shot every time Daniel talks about birds.
“I want to kiss you, but I don’t want to give you the Zika virus.” – Damn Daniel, a true romantic
Twin 2 leaves for her date with Brandon (?) and they totally get the Nick treatment, which is just a boring old dinner date. To spice things up, she is going to pull a “switcheroo” during the date with Twin 1 to see if Brandon (?) notices. He claims that he can tell the difference between the two of them, and little does he know he is about to get mind fucked.
Twin 2 goes to the bathroom and switches clothes with Twin 1, and she goes back out on the date. As soon as the sits back down at the table, he asks her to take a walk, she’s terrified he’s going to kiss her and tells him she wants to take things slow to throw him off, and he kisses her on the cheek. He has no idea.
The three couples are lying around sitting on a bed calling themselves the “Sexy Six,” and meanwhile Evan is watching them all from his balcony. Not murdery at all, Ev. Oh, and Amanda and Josh are still making out. They are all lying around making out. It is like a weird middle school party.
Evan decides that he missed his chance with Amanda, but he doesn’t care. He decides that he is going to make a move anyways. Because I hate Evan so much, I can’t wait to have a front row seat when Josh knocks his teeth into his birdy little face. Evan, sweetie, have you SEEN Josh Murray? You are fucked.
He makes a fake date card for her. With a piece of paper and a sharpie. He is actually going to hand this to her. It reads:
“Evan, you deserve love. Take Amanda to the tree house.”
He even signed it “~me” which is the worst part. Also, “take Amanda to the tree house” sounds like something kidnappers say to each other before they swoop in and steal a child.
He stares at the note and starts to cry. I actually feel bad for him because this may be the worst idea that anyone has ever had. He is about to get his shit ROCKED. Can’t wait.
When he walks up to Amanda, she is literally tongue deep in Josh’s mouth. You can hear the creepy moaning sounds as he runs his fingers in her hair, blah blah. We get it. They are into each other.
As soon as Evan interrupts, we get “TO BE CONTINUED…” Damn you, Chris Harrison.
See you losers next week!.
Image via YouTube / ABC