Edibles, Alma Maters, and Broken Bones: These Are The Worst Stories From This Weekend

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Worst Weekends

What if I told you that I went out on Friday night? Not surprising, right? What if I also told you that I called an Uber from a bar at 2:30 a.m.? And what if, finally, I told you that I spent the next hour after getting home trying to figure out the rules to an Aussie Rules Football game before falling asleep?

I woke up at 7:30 the next morning feeling less than stellar, which should come as a surprise to no one. But if staying up a little too late and having a few too many beers is the worst thing I did, well, I’m not concerned about it. The following stories are much, much worse.

For those of you who don’t listen to Touching Base, we’ve been recapping some of the worst of the worst stories from this series. Yes, it’s painful because these stories are grotesque and Scaries-inducing, but it’s our responsibility as a podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, or you can listen to said episodes here:

At the 48-minute mark in the following episode, we discuss a guy who was arrested for attempting to break into his own place.

At 14:40, we talk about a girl who may or may not have sent a Snapchat of her engaging in some, well, less-than-desirable sexual activities.

And finally, we discuss the all-time worst Chicago bar crawl story (at 14:35) that ruined an entire week of one poor soul.

Now let’s get into this week’s worst stories.

Flew from Arizona to South Carolina last weekend for the NASCAR race at Darlington. Been going to that race for several years now. Anyhow, first night we are there a buddy of mine and I sneak into the infield. We proceed to drink like fish and do some drugs like its going out of style. I pass out at someone else’s campsite in the infield and my buddy walks back to our. After a while I wake up and try to make it back.

That’s where things went wrong.

I can barely see or stand up straight. My judgement told me to hop into the next RV I see to sleep for the night, so that’s what I did. I jump into the closest RV and fall asleep on their couch inside. I wake up at about 4 in the morning with a girl sleeping next to me. Next thing I know there is a very angry man running at me from the back of the RV and give me a clean left hook to the chin. I stumble into the door of the RV and proceed to fall on my face outside of the RV. The guy slams the door and that situation is over. That’s when a South Carolina police office was kind enough to stop me and ask what the hell I was doing. I told him I was trying to get back to my campsite but was too drunk to find my way out of the infield. He then gives me a field sobriety test (probably for his own entertainment because I did not have a vehicle). I obviously fail it. He asked me to get in the back of his squad car, so I helped myself in. He gets me out of the infield of the track and from there I can point us back to my campsite, where he dropped me off. I woke up the next morning with a chipped tooth, swollen nose, and a scuffed of chin. It was a struggle the rest of the weekend and the first two days back at work.

Fast forward to the Wednesday after this event happened. Office fantasy football draft. We always go out to a bar afterwards to enjoy a few drinks. I try to squeeze a fart out and shit my pants in front of half the office. I need to get my life together.

I like how he leads with doing drugs and passing out at someone else’s campsite, but then says, “That’s where things went wrong.” Uhhh, pretty sure things went pretty awry before that, bud.

I’d say “at least you didn’t get arrested” but you did shit your pants in front of coworkers which might be worse.

Just being a fresh grad thought it was a good idea to drive up for Alumni day to relive my glory days. Friday night was alright but I woke up missing my phone and keys. Don’t worry still had my wallet. Had an early breakfast and start drinking a few Michelob’s. Eventually everyone I know have vanished(still don’t have my phone). Don’t know how I got in but I have a idea due to me missing a few 20’s in my wallet. Ended up taking a nap after the game and get ready for the bars. Hit up a few of them and rack up quite a tab at several places. Got in an argument with a friend and got asked to leave. Turns out she had my phone and was holding my keys ransom. Ended the night pretty well regarding how it started but now I have a lighter bank account and a 6 hour drive home with a massive headache and work at 8am. Might need some help with that.

Stop. driving. to. your. alma. maters. to. relive. your. glory. days.

I’m not sure if you saw the TFM Snapchat story this weekend (username: totalfratmove), but it was enough to give me a full-blown panic attack. Basement parties, neon lights, girls making out, liquor directly from the bottle, and then the dude was flying a chopper to the Clemson game the next morning as if he didn’t stay up all night raging his face off. I was hungover Sunday just thinking about it and I didn’t even drink on Saturday.

Subject: Possible broken nose

So no water and bunch Canadian beer in the sun is apparently not the best combo.

Browned out for the walk into the stadium, so at least I didn’t “really” have to stand in line.

Came back as I was falling off the metal bleacher I was standing on face first on the row in front of me which was occupied, sorry ladies my bad. Security rushed over but some I how convinced them into letting me clean up my bloody face and come back. Over the course of the game, I was told twice more to stop leaving my seat or was gone but I apparently I got four strikes that day because I never got tossed out.

Found a miller lite lying on the ground after the game that I promptly chugged as I head back to my apartment and passed out for the night. Looking back it was a pretty trash move to drink a warm ground beer.

Sunday Scaries were pretty real waking up for work in the morning and not being able to breathe well out of my nose, leaning more towards allergies but the nose is still a little sore. Looking at the TFM story it looks though like I wasn’t the biggest idiot of the day at my school #WeAre

Dude, you drank a rando Miler Lite that you found on the ground? That was lukewarm? What? I haven’t done something like that since I was a teenager willing to drink anything that had the off chance of getting me drunk. Figure it out.

The scaries hit way too early this weekend. I didn’t even get to Saturday night without going full panic mode because Friday was the worse night I’ve had in a while. Started out getting drunk at my buddy’s mom’s 45th birthday party. Got tired of dancing with mothers to songs like sweet Caroline, so I made the decision to go to a friends house to continue the party. The next couple hours consisted of a random high school drop out hard ass making a threat on my life, making out with one of my better friends’ love interest (to be fair he wasn’t making much progress on locking her down), and spilling buffalo chicken mac’n cheese in the back seat of my friends fire department issued officer car then pretending I didn’t notice. I caught a 20 dollar uber to said make out partner’s house to find out half way through sex that it was actually her mom’s house. Not only was she home but she was asleep just on the other side of wall that the headboard was knocking against. Sat in the living room the next morning waiting for my uber ride home for about 15 minutes. Her mom sat across from me attempting to murder me with her eyes and it was physically painful. This weekend did nothing but verify that I might be the biggest POS I know. I’ve been locked in my room for the past 36 hours trying to find a way to keep drunk me from being such a scumbag(debating on not drinking anymore). My friend snapped me about an hour ago and I’ve been avoiding opening it. I’m assuming it’s a picture of his stained back seat.

Here are the mistakes you made:

1. Leaving a party where moms are dancing to “Sweet Caroline.” That sounds like an absolute blast.

2. Spilling the buff mac-n-cheese. You know your boy loves tossing some Frank’s Red Hot over the blue box.

3. Sitting in the living room waiting for an Uber rather than, oh, I don’t know… LEAVING THE HOUSE AND WALKING TO A RANDOM BLOCK CORNER? How do you just sit there rather than call the driver and tell him you’re at the corner of Fifth Street and Vine? Come on. Take your head out.

Got invited to a darty by a boy I’ve been into. Turned out to be a darty that he also invited a bumble date to. I’m not a quitter (unfortunately) so while he slept with the girl upstairs (something that was noted by many people) I chugged some really terrible vodka.

Should also mention there was a tiny baby at the darty. It was probably not okay for so many drunk people to handle said baby but we did.

Was offered a pickle back shot around 4. I said yes, took it, calmly said “I’m going to use the bathroom”, and threw up on over half the bathroom. And my brand new white shirt.

Recovered (aka used the hand towel to clean, sorry host), went to the bar with said guy who invited me. Rode a mechanical bull, fell off, and have a black eye and bruised knee. Work should be fun.

Also hooked up with said guy. Approximately 4 hours after he hooked up with his bumble date. He woke me up at 7 am so he could go on a run, while I was unclothed and tried not to throw up on his nice white sheets.

Currently chugging Powerade and hating myself.

You need to stop saying “darty.” That word is so lame. Just say you were “day drinking” or use literally any other word in the English language.

That being said, I approve of everything else you did this weekend. Next weekend, just avoid white shirts and white sheets while you’re puking and you should be good.

Let me premise this by saying my school year hasn’t started yet so I’ve been interning and being a lazy bum the whole summer (3 more weeks).

Day started with a quick beer in the shower trying to wash away the sins I have done the night before one of which involved making out with a girl with purple hair and tasted like cigarettes. But Day drinking was a thing even though it was about 90 degrees while tailgating. By the game time came around I was 20 beers into a 24 pack of modelos and a couple Bacardi shots.

Being 90 degrees I was sober by the start of the second quarter just sweating out the alcohol. I met a drunk alumni that snuck into the student section and smoked some of his wax pen and was stoned for the rest of the game. Ended up not paying attention to the game and just talking to the group of alumni and erring stoned with them.

Right after I the game I had to go to my little cousins quinceañera. I showered and changed still stoned out of my mind I got there 2 and a half hours later and started slamming tequila shots with my uncles at the bar.

Ended up semi sunburnt from the game, hungover from the quince and numerous drunk texts towards my ex girlfriend that I haven’t talked to in 4 weeks but a Linkin notification from the alumni I was getting stoned with at the football game. Networking at its best

If you had to rank the types of crazy girl hair from “least crazy” to “most crazy,” it goes as follows: brunette, blonde, red, and then there’s a million spots, and then there’s purple. Come on, man.

I’ve never been to a quinceañera, though. I’ve always thought they’d be pretty lit.

Will, my friend drank a sidewalk slammer this weekend. I’m fucking shook. I thought this was just something you and the guys made up. Fuck man. Second hand Sunday scaries here.

Is your friend Killshot?

I traveled for work to the Midwest this week/weekend and had a weekend for sure.

After work ended Friday I proceeded to crush 9 holes of golf and shot well – riding high. Did not slow the wave and proceeded to blackout at a comedy show. Surprisingly keep my ish together enough to wake up for College GameDay. Casually gassed 6 spotted cows before noon and met a blackout at 8:30pm, after many many vodka sodas. Hurricane Irma caused my original flight to be cancelled and I had to fly into a neighboring city to get back for work tomorrow. I’m an hour and half away from my destination writing to you on a bus slated to arrive at midnight. I ignored every reasonable thought to Tavel early today and watched NFL games while gassing BL smoothies. T’s&P’s for my 8am office job tomorrow.

I have nothing bad to say to you. A Sunday bus ride is no way to close out of a weekend. Hopefully you got a good night of sleep and woke up feeling like a million bucks today. But you and I both know that didn’t happen.

Stayed @ an AirBnb with 14 people; the only 2 I knew was my friend and his GF from college.

Hard blackout friday, where I proceeded to wake up at 3am and piss all over some poor girls bag and her doucebag BF’s shoes. Apologized profusely. He seemed like a decent dude. Told him I would pay, just let me know how much….

One hour later, “Hey man so I’m going to need $600 bucks.” Fun weekend.

Did this when I was 19 on spring break in Seaside, Florida. Expensive mistake, but come on, it’s an AirBnb – how am I supposed to know where the bathroom is night one?

Really not sure if this last Friday was worst for my roommate or myself, I’ll let you decide.

I recently started law school, and was invited this weekend to a “rosé soirée” hosted by some other law students I met this last week. We were all supposed to wear pink and bring a bottle (or bag) of rosé. Really not sure what to expect, I decided to invite my roommate (who is not in law school) to the party in case things went south and I needed to bail. Luckily, the party was great. However, since we showed up about 2 hours late, we proceeded to play the not-so-smart drinking catch up game. We finished about 3-4 bottles of rosé within an hour and a half, and this is about when I blacked out…

Waking up at 7:00AM with a violent rosé hangover with 58 missed calls and 7 missed Facetimes from your roommate is never a good start to your Saturday. I guess we got separated at the party when everyone took an uber caravan downtown to hit up the bars. My drunken self was cognizant enough to realize I was wayyyy to hammered and decided to go home instead of downtown, thus leaving my roommate out with my new law school friends.

Unfortunately, I had locked my roommate outside of our apartment since I had the only set of keys. He told me he attempted to wake me up by slamming on our door and calling me, but that only woke up our neighbors who think of us as the “responsible, studious grad students”. They offered to let him sleep on their couch, but for some reason he said no??? He decided to try to sleep at the park across the street from our place, but from what I understand, he drunkenly meandered around for 6 hours until I finally woke up and let him in.

He was kind enough to pick me up some dramamine for my hangover Saturday, but needless to say, nothing productive was done that day, and here I am procrastinating as I have 100 pages of law school reading to do. The Sunday (maybe weekend?) Scaries have never been worse.

That’s a lot of rosé. Like, a lot. Has “headache” written all over it.

There’s no fury like that of someone who you locked out late at night. They’re either going to hate you for a week or break into the place which’ll end up costing you like $500 in repairs. Can’t believe he bought you dramamine. Better man than I.

This is a story about my buddy.

He lives in Chicago and went to the Notre Dame Georgia game with our other friend who drove from Maryland. That’s a good nine hour drive. They drank all day at the tailgate and were wasted by the time the game kicked off. Right before they got in they took a edible. My buddy stayed for TWO minutes of the game. Couldn’t even make it for the first drive. Was so messed up that he couldn’t stand. They left right away and went back to the hotel. While in the elevator he threw up on his jersey. The other friend left in the morning. The guy that was too messed up, was supposed to see his family at the game.

Edibles are never a good idea, man. Unless you’re in like Joshua Tree or some shit. But even then, the range of how it’ll affect you is simply too big. Well, at least that’s what my friend told me. I swear.

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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