Drunk Hookups, Broken Hands, And Regretful Venmos: The Worst Reader-Submitted Stories From This Weekend

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I woke up Saturday morning with my legs feeling like I just ran a marathon. But no, I did not because even running a mile seems like a stretch for my weathered body at this point. Turns out, I had just gone to Friday at ACL and walked all over the map. I’m old, so I probably shouldn’t have gone in the first place because music festivals are for high schoolers on Molly and college kids who don’t have a home football game to go to that weekend.

As always, we break some of these stories down on Touching Base (subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud). All the episodes can be found below. Proceed with caution.

Alright, let’s get into this weekend’s crop of stories (which might be the worst to date).

So do I have a weekend for you guys. Let me preface this story by saying there’s this girl who’s one of my best friends that I’ve been secretly in love with for months now. Over the summer we went to a concert together and we kissed and later had sex. I thought that was the start of something, turns out I was wrong.

We didn’t see each other for a few weeks afterward and when we did we knew we had to talk. I essentially laid it all out and she broke my heart. To make things even more interesting though, we still hang out with our friends as if nothing bad happened.

So fast forward to this weekend. We all went out together and had a fun time for the most part. I’m still in love with this girl but I try to move past it by flirting with some other girls. Where things started getting shitty is when my friend and I started flirting again. I didn’t know what was gonna happen but I was excited. I go to the bathroom and come back to find her making out with a random guy and I immediately left with my guy friends and I went home. I just moved into this apartment about a month ago and am still getting the hang of the place. The drunk/sad/angry me didn’t realize one of my walls was basically cement and not dry wall. I punched it so hard that I broke multiple bones in my hand. My surgery is on Thursday. Cheers, boys.

I like that rather than having an adjustment period of moving somewhere new and getting the hang of it, you need to get adjusted to what the walls are made of in case you go on a rampage and punch them. Sounds like you need to hop on Bumble and bring a girl around once your hand has healed. Not to get all mailbag-y on you, but perhaps some jealousy on her end could do you both some good.

A few weekends ago my former roommate and fraternity brother got engaged to his college sweetheart. He asked me to be his Best Man so we decide to go out and celebrate. I drive three hours to his place in Ft. Worth and we all proceed with the normal shenanigans of shooting the shit, drinking beer, and chilling on the balcony. Before we head out we all toast with shots of fireball and Grey Goose VX. Then he pulls out some coke, which we hadn’t done since college. We hit the town alive and ready to howl at the fuckin moon.

Thanks to the party favors and shots the idea of dinner went out the window and we hit the bars. We end up in some place that looks like a library and start taking celebratory shots and smoking cigs on the patio. Cigs and shot have always taken me from good time to shitshow and tonight was no different. Around the 8th drink in I start to lose motor function and trip into some basic bitches and their little frat boys and we decide to hit another place up. We end up at flying saucer where I have some IPA that makes me totally black out. I come to in a car driven by my friends new fiancé who is totally pissed because apparently we started a fight in the bar after my friend called a guy a pussy for ordering a miller lite at flying saucer. I pass out on their couch and wake up about an hour later struggling to breathe as I see a cat standing above me (which I somehow missed earlier in the night and am terribly allerigic to). I go outside for some fresh air and walk to my car for sleep, but in auto-pilot mode my brain starts the car up and decides to drive the 3 hours home. About 2 hours into the trip I start falling asleep. I’m trying my best to stay awake but I end up shutting my eyes for 3 seconds and then come to realizing I’m on the shoulder of the highway, still going 70, and about 50 feet from hitting a State trooper sitting on the shoulder. Jerk back onto the highway fully expecting to go to prison and miraculously he somehow didn’t notice and didn’t get pulled over. I freak the fudk out and pull into a truck stop to sleep. I wake up 5 hours later hungover as shit and exit my vehicle amid all vacationing families to get water and Gatorade only to realize my wallet is missing and 2 hours away. I finish my drive home driving like a nun and shake while I sleep for 12 hours. Still don’t have a wallet.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: THIS, AMONG OTHER MORE OBVIOUS REASONS, IS WHY YOU DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE.

But really, you probably should’ve gotten tossed in jail because all of that is just blatantly idiotic. The dumbest things you did in order were:

1. Drinking and driving.

2. Doing coke.

3. Ordering an IPA that late in the night.

4. Sending this story in.

Be safe out there, people.

I happened to be on a trip for a medical procedure at the same time as a group of friends were in town so we all met up post-surgery and post-brunch. It was one of the girls birthdays so naturally everyone was trashed. They had met up with a bachelor party and spent the entire night before drinking with them and continued the party to another bar where we got Long Island iced tea BUCKETS. yeah smart idea.

Basically I ended up chugging half a tower of beer after drinking 2 buckets and 3 shots while on painkillers. I remember nothing until I was suddenly in a club and it was midnight….got free bottle service and a table courtesy of the bachelor party, took way too many shots, don’t remember seeing one of my favorite dj’s and woke up at 6am in a random Airbnb. Missed my flight and spent 5 hours at the airport, more hungover than I’ve ever been in my life.

Moral of the story: don’t meet up with college friends when you’re on painkillers.

Or just don’t drink when you’re on painkillers. Jeez, between you and the last guy, I’m both losing faith in society but gaining faith in myself for not being the most irresponsible person I know. That being said, I guess that’s why we’re all here in the first place.

I came back in town to my Alma Mater and stayed with a buddy who was still a senior. Friday night our escapades began, and abruptly ended when I forgot my wallet at the pregame and couldn’t get in even though I was older than all of the kids using fakes. We called it an early night because we obviously had to go to our fraternities tailgate which started promptly at 7:30am. I borrowed my buddies scooter to join the scooter gang. 40 of us rode to the sorority we were paired with and picked up the girls. Was blacked by 9. Might have “gone skiing” for the first time too. Apparently I kept my buddy’s keys and drove the scooter to the apartment where I was staying with a girl on the back who was equally blacked. No idea how we made it through all the officers stationed on campus. Praise God. Woke up Sunday morning at 7am laying in the shower in the apartment all alone with no memory of the last 20 hours. Worst part was how I woke up. The shower was still on and my foot had somehow closed the drain so me and my jackhammer hangover were abruptly woken up to water in my lungs. Nothing gets your blood pumping faster than almost drowning. Unfortunately this made my hangover ten times worse and I still don’t know what happened to that girl or my phone. Send help.

Dammit dammit dammit. Can’t we just get someone who didn’t do illicit substances and/or drink and drive? Someone please save us.

Hi Will, as a frequent victim of the Sunday scaries and avid reader of this series from Germany, I think it’s about time to contribute.

On Saturday while I was still working, my buddy called me at 4 pm and convinced me to go on a 3-hour drive to my alma mater’s Oktoberfest. Didn’t take long of negotiating and I was on the road (I know, never go back…).

When I arrived, my friends were already semi-hammered so I was catching up taking shots like an idiot. We were pregaming at a female friend’s house with whom I used to share some regretful drunk intimacies back in the days. So we went to the fest and while trying to get an adequate buzz drinking a couple “steins”, I was at the same time avoiding her advances the entire night. Still able to think rationally, I just couldn’t return to those inglorious days so I managed to keep her hands off me.

Several hours and ridiculous amounts of beer later, my friends have already left the fest. I was near blackout so I went “home”. Next thing I know (and I have no idea why and how) I somehow found myself naked in the guest room of said girl and HER best friend on top of me.

Right now, I just hope this episode is never going to surface. Needless to say that the scaries hit me pretty hard the next morning.

Okay, phew. Finally just someone who woke up naked with a random girl in their bed rather than people who should are lucky to not be dead or in jail. Something I can finally work with.

Steins are a fickle beast, my man. While it’s fun drinking with that many ounces in your hand, it’s not fun when you realized you’ve put down three and have no clue how you still are managing to have motor functions. But hey, maybe that girl’s friend is the one for you. Good on you, man.

Hey Will, i’m an undergrad but a big fan of this column. Started the weekend off strong on Wednesday when i found out it was a three day weekend. Ended up getting too fucked up at the neighbors and barely making it to my 8am exam the following morning. Thursday night ended pretty similarly, only I came home to mice shit all over the kitchen and had to call my landlord. Which leads me to Friday when things starting going downhill fast.

Pregamed at the neighbors again for a party we were all headed too. After numerous mojitos and franzia glasses, we finally get word that our ride is here. Neighbor who may or may not have a thing for me brings me in his car with my friend. Party has jungle juice and I end up having a few too many again. After losing at pong (I think?) and making regrettable decisions I go to find said neighbor. Not sure if he left to go to his fwb house, so i head out. Things got pretty out of hand apparently because I woke up with the ID of a different neighbors in my wallet and some of their art in my living room.

Next day, head to darty with the same crew, find out I made a secret handshake with said neighbor, proceed to take a bunch of photos none of which i remember (and only 1/10 is clear). It comes up that he wants to take me to dinner and we end up getting a ride to five guys with a crew. Neighbor buys me food and I buy pledge food (Not sure why and kinda wanna venmo him). Things go further downhill when I realize i have feelings for him during a crisis in the bathroom. As we are walking out someone in the group decides to steal a bag of potatoes and a box of peanuts, high key worried i’m wanted by the police. Saturday night ended with a party of too many people i went to high school with.

Woke up today with numerous regrets, feelings ( idk if i want to cuff & i don’t want to home wreak), a killer hangover, and a weeks worth of homework and quizzes to submit. Also there is a dead mouse in my kitchen that I do not want to deal with, and I don’t think my roommates will either. Scaries are at a record high and my snapchat memories are filled with things no one should ever have to see.

Simply put, this is just what I imagine college to be like in the year 2017. Luckily, she sent a follow-up email.

Also definitely tried to booty call said neighbor last night while he was at the fwb house. Might have to continue the bender to forget about it.

Not the move, random-college-girl-on-the-internet. Oh, and another follow-up email from her.

Also paid someone $0.20 to be an arm rest via venmo. Have zero recollection of that.

And finally, a move today that I actually respect. Sometimes, we all just need a shoulder to lean on.

I went down to Philly this weekend for Oktoberfest (on Saturday) and was staying with my buddy. He told me that his group of friends from high school would be coming for Oktoberfest. Included in this group of friends is a girl who I made out with over the 4th and during the 4th she made it clear she wanted to go past second base and score. It ended up not happening, so I’m pumped this chick is coming.

Friday night was chill because we had to rest up for Saturday.

Saturday morning rolls around and I’m the only one pregaming with liquor. I get most of the people to take shots with me and I end up taking more shots than I want to. Wasted about an hour with this chick at Oktoberfest but spent the rest with the boys.

We get back from Oktoberfest, I stay on second base and we drunkenly take a nap together. Great. Said buddy decides not to go out that night, but I do. I spent most of the night with this chick, making out and chillin on second base. We get back from the bars and apparently she was a lot drunker than I thought because she pretty much fell asleep after laying on the couch with me.

It’s now 4am and she’s asleep so I call the two other girls I was talking to throughout the day and they obviously don’t answer. Then, I decided to drive home at 4:30am, make it back around 7am, and sleep until 1pm. I was hungover most of the day and stayed up until 2am monday morning doing work for law school.

I’ll be back in Philly this upcoming weekend for our annual alumni tailgate. Yes, I’m ignoring your advice but only for more content. I’m sure I’ll do something great so keep an eye out for a Philly story.

Congrats on the MOSTing, I guess? Either way, getting super jealous of all these Oktoberfests these people are getting into. I know it’s only Monday morning, but I’m already Googling where I can get some 42-ounce beers in Austin this weekend. Suggestions welcome.

The second I saw they invented this shit I knew it would be an issue on Sunday evenings. “Apple Watch will even detect when you have an elevated heart rate during inactivity.” Look I don’t need a computer to tell me that I’m having a mental breakdown in my panic room. Is tomorrow a bank holiday? Yes. Am I in a Scaries tee? Yes. Does my Apple Watch say my heart rate is 135 while laying on the couch? Allegedly. But these OV weekenders sure are comfy. Any way I don’t need to be reminded that I’ve drowned my feelings away.

Someone say Outdoor Voices Weekenders? Sure, we’re out on Man Outfitters, but PROMO CODE BEAN still gets you 10% off of everything else they’re offering.

I went back to my alma mater this weekend. Will, I know what you’re thinking, but I (surprisingly) handled it fairly well. No bad decisions, saw a lot of old friends that I hadn’t seen for a few years, and tailgated on a warm fall day. Also saw John Duda and embarrassingly asked him if he was “John Duda from PGP” but I stand by it. (PS thanks Duda for being nice and taking a snapchat with me even though I was fairly drunk and probably seemed really weird).

My Sunday Scaries aren’t for me, but instead, for a girl I met this weekend. After coming in from out of town, she and her friend drank at the tailgate. The girl then proceeded to try some substances for the first time. Fast forward a few hours, and she is nowhere to be found. Her friend is hysterical, while we assure her that the girl is most likely just drunk and sleeping somewhere. In the morning, she (the friend) decided to call the area hospital just in case. She (the girl) was admitted the night before, and we’re all fairly sure she got blood work done. She’s in grad school. I’m waiting for the follow up text from a mutual friend, as the hospital wouldn’t give out information to a non-family member over the phone I am hungover and probably will be for the next few days, but I can’t even feel bad for myself because I am so secondhand anxious for an almost stranger.

Often times, secondhand Scaries are up there with your own Scaries. There’s an overflow effect and you’re finding yourself directly in the flood. Hopefully she’s fine, and hopefully she doesn’t get kicked out of grad school which is entirely on the table.

Also, shouts to Duda for not being a dickhead. That’s huge.

This weekend was Homecoming at my alma mater so, naturally, my degenerate friends and I made our respective journeys to the magnificent Gainesville, FL. Get there Friday night and hit up Midtown for “Beat the Clock” at one of the bars which started with 25 cent beers. By midnight my blood type was surely 100% Natty Light draft due to the copious amount of beers slammed. Browned out but somehow made it to Relish (best drunk food in Gainesville don’t @ me) and doze off at the table with half a burger left. That was our cue to head home.

Wake up Saturday morning full of regret but we were determined to power through the day starting with a bottomless brunch at 11am. After X amount of mimosas we decided to stop by the frat house since it was alumni weekend. Chatted with some alumni and did shots (bad idea) with a group of moms.

Went back to Midtown to watch the Gators eventually lose to LSU. Started browning out again at around 9pm. My brother (current student at Florida) got drunk af and walked home. The rest of us stayed out to continue drinking to forget about the loss. We got back to the apartment but my brother and his roommates were passed out therefore no one could hear us knocking (or their phones) to open the door.

Started to get worried about what we would have to do if none of them wake up to let us in. Luckily one of them woke up about half an hour later. Woke up next to a burger from Relish that I don’t remember getting during the brown out.

Woke up today with a hangover from hell that did not pair so well with my 5 hour drive back to Miami. It’s now 8:30pm and I’m home with some serious Scaries accompanied by the remnants of my hangover from hell as well as ice water and Stouffer’s lasagna ready for consumption.

At least college towns don’t do too much damage to the CSP card.

Okay, we’ve finally reached enough stories that I need to reiterate.

STOP GOING BACK TO YOUR ALMA MATERS.

Oh, and again.

STOP GOING BACK TO YOUR ALMA MATERS.

One more time.

STOP GOING BACK TO YOUR ALMA MATERS.

Friday night was Opening Night for the Dallas Stars, arguably my favorite night of the entire year, so we kicked off hard. Tequila shots and champagne before 7pm. Had a couple beers at the game and all was looking good for the night.

Back at the house after, we start pregaming and I find out my ex is about to show up so I bail outta that situation real quick and head to the bars to meet up with a couple people. *this is where I black out*

Ran into a guy I slept with a couple weeks back, and bribed a bouncer with $20 to let him into the club because he was wearing FLIP FLOPS and couldn’t get in (why I slept with a man who wears flip flops is a question I cannot answer)

Everything after that I don’t remember, but my father kindly filled me in — around 3am, I got an uber home, made him take me to Taco Bell, and then promptly passed out. Uber driver couldn’t wake me up so he used Siri to call my dad and dropped me off at his house. Woke up to my dad at 7am Saturday morning telling me to get up because I’ve gotta get ready for work and that he was worried about me.

Let me die.

Flip flops in the club seems like a chill sitch, but if you’re wearing anything other than deal sleds when swinging it around in Dallas after a Stars opener, well, you’re asking to get turned down. Innovative stuff from your Uber driver using Siri rather than just calling the cops. Hopefully you hit him with five stars and a fire tip.

I went to oktoberfest in this ski town an hour from my hometown on saturday where we started drinking while waiting an hour and a half to ride the chair lift up in order to drink on a hill all day wearing flannels in 80 degree weather. we were very committed to the fall look.

then we went into town where I paid 5 people’s $10 cover to get into one bar. I don’t remember much from there but by 8pm and after not eating anything all day I decided I needed to go back to the cabin we were staying at. These two very new guy friends went with me and after several failed uber attempts we flagged down a cab. but this driver said “I need to get gas and pick up my friend” so we sat at this gas station for 20 minutes. and in that time I had to open the door and lean out of the backseat to throw up in the parking lot. twice. finally this cab driver’s friend shows up and he drives wayyy out of the way to drop him off and this driver goes “I gotta run in for a minute” and I proceed to scream at him “NO. TAKE ME HOME. I JUST GAVE YOU $40 TAKE ME FUCKING HOME NOW. YOU ARE GOING TO DRIVE ME HOME NOWWW” he takes us home and I have to be dragged out of the car so I can throw up on the front lawn.

I woke up on a futon feeling like I was shot in the hip. I lost my ray bans and I’m pretty sure these guys think I’m actually psychotic after nearly pulling a Pat Kane in that cab. the only thing helping me right now is rewatching the office for the 9th time.

That’s it. Need an Oktoberfest like I need air to breath. ESPECIALLY in a ski town.

Also, never go full Patrick Kane in a cab. Or anywhere else for that matter. Go Wings. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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