Dream Team Deal Closers: Derek From “Step Brothers”

Dream Team Deal Closers: Derek From "Step Brothers"

Deal making is an art form. Do you have what it takes to close a deal? This the first installment of my dream team of deal closers. Today, we consider the merits of Derek, the much maligned heel from Step Brothers. While on the surface Derek may be a bonafide douche bag, it’s worth noting that Derek drives a Range Rover and crushes life. Sometimes, you have to swallow your pride and align yourself with a massive tool to get ahead in this world, and Derek is just that tool.

Derek Demands Perfection

He’s Derek, and he can sing high like this. You probably watched the above clip and thought, “Derek is a total prick. Why would I want him on my team?” The short answer? You need him. The long answer? Buckle up.

If you’re serious about closing a deal, you need an asshole on your team that will push you. The original D-Man demands that you put forth your best effort at all times, on all things, and if you don’t, then he will berate you in front of your family. Derek lives the #ThugLife, but he lives it in corporate America.

Derek Knows People

Derek not only Bonito fishes in the Gulf, but he does so with Cubes. Mark Cuban? You’ve probably heard of him. Because we all know that real recognizes real, you have to think that Derek would be one Cyber Dust away from obtaining some insight from MC. The man is on Shark Tank, so I think he’d know a little something about closing deals.

Derek Is Your Face Man

Do you secretly resent Derek for his flawless head of hair and 7 percent body fat? Of course you do. You don’t have time to cut out starches from your diet, and your hairline has been slowly sliding back like Jim when he let Michael fall in the koi pond. Guess what, though? It’s a necessary evil. Derek is that good looking dude you secretly resented in high school because he pulled all of the babes, but then you finally realized that if not for him, you’d never have met the friends of those hot babes he was bringing around.

Face it: When it comes time to close, you can’t be up there with a group of average looking guys. Sure, everybody loves the witty guy, but studs want to do business with studs. Good looking people get ahead in this cruel world, so you can’t roll into a meeting with fat Chris Pratt. You need peak, yolked Pratt. You need Derek.

He’s Fucking Motivated

Derek got his real estate license for shits and gigs. You may be inclined to call him a try-hard, and that’s probably true, but you have to respect a guy that slings helicopters to all the big dogs in America and still finds the time to sell a few homes. His time management skills must be through the roof. Yours aren’t. You need Derek to help you through the deal closing grind.

He’s Quick On His Feet

Sometimes, life comes at you fast. Derek could have laughed and walked out of the office when Brennan made his proposal for the Catalina Wine Mixer. Hell, I would have. But he didn’t. On the spot, Derek conducted a cost-benefit analysis of allowing his beta male brother to take over the biggest event of the year. He weighed the risks, and ultimately, it worked out for him. Derek probably looked like a genius in front of the board. When you’re trying to close, you know shit won’t go as planned.

He’s Patient

D-Man had the opportunity to shut down the presentation before it started, but he chose to let it go for two reasons: 1) His own personal entertainment, and 2) To let his brothers learn a valuable lesson in closing a deal: Never interrupt a good dinner. I’m sure he thought about pulling the plug on the presentation, it was his birthday dinner after all, but he rode the wave. A true closer knows when to act, and when to let the game come to him. Derek is a true closer.

Image via YouTube

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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