The Baby Boomer Pledge

The Baby Boomer Pledge

The LA Times published “The Millennial Pledge,” which I responded to because it was an ignorant and gross generalization of a generation that deserves better than the treatment the author gave.

For every lazy, entitled 20-something, there’s a hardworking and motivated millennial right there to even them out. Me? I don’t consider everyone over the age of 55 to be a cranky, crotchety asshole who struggles with technology. But what if I did? What if I, like the original author of “The Millennial Pledge,” threw out blanket statements accepted as truths when demeaning the generation directly ahead of ours?

There’s only one way to find out.

Baby Boomers, you literally cannot call yourselves relevant anymore until you take this pledge.

* * *

I am entitled to nothing.

I will not repeatedly ask how to “copy & paste” when using a computer.

I will not drive below the speed limit in the passing lane, no matter how congested the roads are.

I will stop posting and sharing political rants on Facebook.

I will pay attention to whether or not Caps Lock is on when texting or emailing so it doesn’t look like I’m angrily screaming in my responses.

I will not sign my text messages with my name or relation to you.

I will not leave voicemails that last three seconds and simply say, “Please call me, thanks.”

I will delete conspiracy theory emails and political emails rather than forwarding them to my entire contact list.

I will not complain about “the way things used to be,” no matter how foreign something may seem.

I will attempt to download an app on my iPhone.

I will turn the texting “click” noise off on my iPhone.

I will learn to use my iPhone rather than ask others how to.

When I finally move out of my home and into assisted living, I will let my kids throw out any unnecessary belongings.

I will stop being racist.

I will not haggle with the checkout clerk at the grocery store.

I will vote for the candidate, and not the political party.

I will stop asking how “the cloud” works.

I will refrain from suggesting you date your high school girlfriend, who was “such a nice girl.”

I will use a towel in the sauna.

I will stop walking around the locker room naked.

I will, once and for all, stop inadvertently showing my old man dick to everyone at the gym.

I will not assume every fashionably dressed man is gay.

I will not assume every understated dressed woman is gay.

I will look at the screen when I type.

I will type with more than two fingers.

I will order products online using a credit card without fear of someone stealing my entire identity.

I will not be rude to wait staffs because I’ve been “coming here for years.”

I will not call people I haven’t met by their first name because I’ve seen them before on Facebook.

I will admit my health is going downhill, and I will make the appropriate changes to my lifestyle in an effort to correct them.

I will stop using fax machines in favor of scanners.

I will not complain about the pace of play on a golf course.

Especially when I’m the one using a ball retriever to find my Top Flite XL.

I will listen to the television at a regular volume.

I won’t give only cash for Christmas.

I will always remember Aaliyah’s quote: “Age ain’t nothing but a number.”

I will accept and welcome the emerging generation.

I am entitled to nothing but that.

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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