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Every day, as I inch closer to 30, more and more people in my age group seem to be on a runaway freight train down the aisle. Prime example: a guy I play hockey with started a relationship with a girl who has a four-year-old with another guy, started an online MBA (for profit school I’ve never heard of) moved in with them, got a puppy, proposed and is getting married, all in 13 months’ time. I say played because he can’t come up with the cash money to play this season because you guessed it, “I have a wedding to pay for.” He’s a nice guy, but the worst part is, there are many more like him that share his sense of urgency.
We all know these kind of people. Serial daters with one thing on their mind: getting a ring or putting a ring on someone’s finger. Where’s the fucking fire? It’s like having someone “commit” to them is the crux of their existence, the pinnacle of human achievement and the crowning glory to their life.
What I don’t understand about this entire process is why people are in such a rush in the first place. Unlike our grandparents, parents and some of our high school friends that still wear their letterman jacket, getting married to your high school sweetheart is outdated and a disservice to yourself. There’s a whole world of people out there.
Part of the enjoyment of dating is taking your time to get to know someone. Some people are skilled concealers of red flags. It takes some time to read them. For the gross majority, having fun, traveling and enjoying experiences before the inevitable little fuckers that come out of one of you are moments to cherish. Known as “the good times,” people can reminisce about these while your wrist deep in green baby shit or your kid’s principal calls you telling you your son is tripping on acid, firing a crossbow into a crowd. It will remind you there is a light at the end of the tunnel, unless our generation fucks it up even worse and they live in the basement for life.
I propose a modest timeline of two years before getting super serious. It gives you enough time to get through the honeymoon phase. From there, you can move in with them if you choose (which I highly recommend) and see where it goes. Better to learn someone’s shitty habits and lifestyle before you are legally bound to them. After all of this, if you can see yourself with someone after two years, great. Get engaged, wait it out at least a year, and go for it. Statistically, you’re much more likely to make it last and it’s way easier to move out than it is to divorce.
“But Madoff, you know when you find love. You wouldn’t understand US!”
This exact phrase was said to me the other day, which spawned this article. Another friend who was about to get engaged, broke up, and is now engaged to another person within a year. He bought a puppy and is thinking about getting another. I gave him the cold hard, “fuck no, you idiot.”
Marriage isn’t a bad thing. It’s a social construct dated way back to basically make sure there is family stability, children and that giving your shit out when you’re dead goes smoothly. While for some, like several of my older friends in their mid-30s, “’til death do us part” is more of a metaphorical timeline rather than literal. Jumping from post grad life right smack into adulthood makes you miss out on that seminal timeframe where you figure out HOW to be an adult. There’s a reason for the correlation between getting married young and divorce.
There’s no reason anyone should rush getting married. If someone is giving you deadlines and/or ultimatums, run as far away as possible from them. It breeds resentment and you will never forgive that person. Two years is a suggestion; take longer if you wish. That person should be there for you unconditionally until you’re ready. I’ve been engaged for over a year (together four and a half) and nothing has changed. We probably won’t be married for several more years. Marriage really only changes for tax purposes (which is where this institution came from), and if you’re a woman and choose to change your name, enjoy the DMV visit(s).
So unless you have a mail order bride or groom that needs a green card, take your damn time getting hitched. You’re gambling half your shit and a ton of time on something that may not work out, might as well have the best idea of what you’re getting into and some fond memories before the stress of parenthood crushes your will to exist..
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
I wouldn’t call kids inevitable. My life plan only involves a husband and our two dogs.
sup?
GOAT sup post
Reading about your newly engaged sucker friend gave me awful anxiety. That poor guy, he’s so fucked (and not literally) and he doesn’t even realize it.
My parents dated for 5 years before they got married, which allowed my dad to finish grad school beforehand. They’ll be married 30 years next year, so I think waiting is a pretty good idea.
My parents got married in just less than 1 year from the day they met. They’ll hit 38 years in January (yeah who get’s married in January??) The time waited isn’t the most critical factor.
My grandparents got engaged after 5 weeks of dating. It’s a different world out there than it is now. There’s also a correlation (check out Pew and Gallup) between age of getting married and divorce rates. Furthermore, spending time together learning about each other is picking up easy interest money.
Citing your sources. PGP
I feel like for the most part, people up until very recently weren’t as picky with their relationships. When you lived in a town/city with limited connection to places outside, your pool was limited so people let things go by that nowadays would be considered dealbreakers.
Despite what Duda thinks, dating apps have changed the dating and relationship world because whereas 30 years ago, someone’s girlfriend would’ve let the fact that her boyfriend never cleans the dishes go. Nowadays, that can be the key for a divorce, since finding a new potential mate is a swipe or message away.
that is a terrible outlook on dating and life. if you’re with someone and still thinking “meh, can hop on tinder, swipe a few times, and find someone better,” you probably don’t like them that much to begin with.
I didn’t mean it literally but I do think that nowadays people try way less to make relationships work than they used to.
Take a stats class, anecdotal evidence, such as “I know an uncle who…”, doesn’t disprove a correlation because your story is just one data point out of millions.
Actually, I highly recommend January for a wedding. Everything is SERIOUSLY cheap as shit and you get pretty much everything you ask for (no, I don’t feel like paying the venue rental fee…oh you’ll waive it?…great!) Plus my venue was still decorated with wreaths and candles so flower/decor budget=$0. And we took cozy adorable bundled-up-in-alllll-the-knitted-outerwear photos. I live in northern New England so blizzard was always a risk, but it ended up working out. Then we got right on a plane to the Caribbean for our honeymoon.
My parents dated for 5+ years as well but, divorced after 20 years of marriage.
Great Article, I feel like marrying early is more prevalent down south.
Not sure on down votes, I know many that got engaged right out of college and most of them were from south of the Mason-Dixon.
Thanks Madoff
Minnesota is bad as well. I knew a lot of people in college who, after declaring at the ripe old age of 20 that they were going to be alone forever, ended up being on their second marriage by the time they turned 30.
Its cold up here.
I guess it makes sense to just lock down the person you’re with right away if it’s too cold to go out and find someone else. Maybe I’m the idiot.
Dated 2 years, lived together 1 of those years. Had the ring, ready to bend the knee and now I live alone in a tiny apartment. Oops.
Not sure what it says about me but when i think of bending the knee I skip thinking about marriage and go straight to Jon Snow and Dany
SAME
Sigh.
Or not getting married works too
I agree. The chemicals responsible for that initial infatuation can take 2-3 years to wear off. That isn’t to say that real feelings aren’t under that, but after that you really know if you love the person without your animal chemistry influencing you.
100% agree. I had clothes in my closet with the tags still on after two years (now donated) but the point remains the same. It takes time to really get to know someone.
Nah. Got engaged 5 weeks after meeting my wife. Without a doubt she is the one. I’ve had many relationships around 2 years and those obviously didn’t lead anywhere. Sincerely the cliche of when you know, you know holds true. If you have to question it, she/he’s not the one.