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Something has been bothering me a lot lately: people can’t cook.
It boils my blood hearing someone say, “but I don’t know how to” or “I can’t even scramble eggs.” Really? Following directions is that hard? Our grandparents knew their shit like it was the back of their hand. Cooking seems to be a forgotten art like Damascus steel or Greek Fire. I, for one, am tired of it. With Google, food blogs and an entire fucking channel dedicated to food, the resources are all there.
The truth is, the situation is binary: you are either lazy or an idiot. Following directions some person typed up on the internet that got 4.7 stars is not that hard.
As someone that loves to cook, hearing excuses really grinds my gears. Maybe it’s that people don’t want to take the time to hone their skills, but cooking food at home saves so much money. Always eating out or subsisting on a diet of ramen and Progresso soups is no way to go through life. It’s also much healthier and saves an incredible amount of money to make meals at home.
My dad was a grill master, as was his dad before him. From an early age, I took all the home economics classes (free A’s) but I noticed that if I paid attention and followed directions, my food turned out better than the rest of the idiots in the class. I was hooked and continued to hone my craft, seeking out knowledge from the greats like Bobby Flay, Gordon Ramsay, Emeril, Mario Batali, Hank Hill – I couldn’t get enough. I even got to meet Iron Chef Morimotto, although this was not for cooking. He decided to go play a few holes by himself before an event where I used to work and I was told to go find “an Asian guy with a ponytail,” but that is neither here nor there.
Back in college, knowing how to cook was like having $100 bills attached to myself. No one really cared about your job like they do now and everyone was roughly equal, unless you can set yourself apart. Garlic mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus and cast iron seared sirloin steak with thyme butter compound was my signature. I have a very strong stance against dating vegans or vegetarians so that was never an issue. Learning to cook is like fishing with dynamite.
Ever go to someone’s house and their food sucks? You can’t say anything about it without hurting feelings. More times than I’d like, someone brings out some nasty casserole or overcooked shitbox of a roast and I have to chase it with booze. Not learning to cook is a disservice to your fellow man. No need to showcase that quinoa mac n’ cheese without learning the basics.
The onus to cook is not just for women, although too many women I’ve known “simply can’t cook.” As a modern man, making food in the Madoff household rests solely on me. It’s a nice tradeoff: I hate laundry, she hates cooking. It’s all about teamwork, compromise and I get to go to the grocery store for some peace and quiet.
It seems like our entire generation never learned to cook and in some ways, it’s not our fault. With rampant spending cuts in the arts, people aren’t exposed to learning their way around the kitchen. Rather than learn life skills, we learn all about Calculus, MLA format that I’ve never used since I left the hallowed halls of high school, cursive and tons of other useless information. Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore. Maybe it’s high time some of our fellow young professionals shell out a few bucks for some classes to learn some stuff.
Everyone should have one thing they can make that doesn’t taste like a smelly boat shoe. Branch out, do some research, learn what spice works with what, take some chances, buy a crockpot and know that low and slow wins the race. It’s really not that fucking hard. .
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Spent all weekend with Madoff, he can indeed cook.
Can’t wait for the column recap
I expect a full review of each of his dishes accompanied by a rating on a scale of five.
You didn’t even comment on my last article, man. I even changed a few things just for you 🙁
Now, what I have for you is a nice goat-cheese and hierloom tomato frittata. And we’re gonna top that with a little crème fraîche. Aw yeah… Awwww…
“Oh my god, it’s Gordon Ramsey!!!”
For us ginnies, life is all about cooking. My family does a seven fish dinner every Christmas Eve, and it never leaves new family or friends disappointed. If you have an oven and 20 minutes to prep, you can have an amazing dinner every night of the week.
Oven is my go-to for laziness and a full meal. Rice, asparagus, and meat all in a single pan. Sear meat in pan on stovetop and set meat aside, bring rice to a simmer in pan on stovetop and remove from heat. Then create a platform for the meat with the asparagus, add meat on top, and throw it all in the oven.
Only 1 dirty cooking dish. FYI, if you try this, you need a nice metal baking dish. Glass will explode on the stovetop.
We need to get you your own show
Two words: Cast Iron
Giada de Laurentiis. That is all
would.
http://www.italian-food-lovers.com/uploads/giadadelaurentiis-esquire1.gif
Cast iron steak is the best steak. And cooking is great, I don’t often cook great meals for just myself though. Usually make food for a couple days, like rice/pasta.
Could not agree more. I love my cast iron pans.
1 chicken breast, 1 can black beans, 1 can cream of chicken soup and some taco seasoning in the crockpot. Shred chicken in the crockpot and serve in lettuce wraps/tortillas or by itself. It ends up making a shitload of food and is not the worst thing you can eat for $4.
A. Men. I love to cook and miss doing it daily as my job sucks hours out of my life. There is nothing more relaxing to me then watching the food channel with the greats (Giada, Ina, Bobby, etc) and learning a new recipe you can create later that week. I used to cook all the time for my friends in college and they would be dumbfounded and make comments like “how do you even do this?!” it was mind boggling.
Side note- It also really grinds my gears when a girl makes a simple dish like chicken cutlet or a bowl of spaghetti and adds preposterous hashtags like #wifemeup. Get out of here with that nonsense
This hits way too close to home. Currently googling cookbooks…
Madoff, one of these days, you, shibby, DeFries, and myself are going to play 18, and have a nice dinner afterwards.
Shibbs and I are east coast. If we could only get Will out this way….If you ever find yourself in Appalachia, give me a shout.
Damn right, Madoff. Knowing how to cook was a huge advantage in college and now. Also, go and do a food & wine pairing event, great date idea and you’ll learn a lot.