Diary Of An Entry-Level Employee That’s Trying Too Hard: First Day Of Work


Gil Humplestead is a 23-year-old, recent college graduate who finally got his first real job as a Junior Marketing Assistant Coordinator with Incorporated Partners & Co. Today, he chronicles his first day in the office.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Today was the day Gil Humplestead made his presence known to Corporate America. Or as I call it “Corporate ‘Merica.” Got a decent chuckle out of the HR guy when I told him that joke when I was filling out my W-2 this morning. He just kept shaking his head because I made him laugh so hard. I knew I’d fit right in here.

I got my office assigned, too. Well, it’s not really an office so much as it is a cubicle all the way in the back of the bullpen. I call it the power cube. I even have a window view. It looks into the break room, but it’s still a window view, nonetheless. They must’ve put me there so no one can bother me while I close deals and take this company right to the top of the Fortune 500 list.

I noticed that the fluorescent lights above the power cube were flickering, so I asked the secretary to have maintenance get to my desk, pronto. That was the first time I used the word “pronto” in an office setting. I felt like a real boss. She said she’d call the office park maintenance man as soon as she got the chance. Yeah, she better. A mover and shaker like Gil Humplestead requires a well-lit work environment.

The maintenance man didn’t show up all morning, so I was forced to put up with the rhythmic flickering of the lights until lunch. My supervisor, Ron, and another guy from my department, Terry, asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch to celebrate my first day. I was stoked. We’d probably be hitting up a steakhouse downtown for wedge salads and T-bone steaks, like true power brokers.

I was a little disappointed when Ron and Terry said we’d be going to the Outback Steakhouse next to the office park. That’d have to do. At least I’d get my steak. Our waiter was a real idiot. The look on his face when I ordered a J&B straight and a Corona at 11:15 in the morning was classic. He knew he was dealing with a real businessman with a “take no prisoners” attitude. Ron and Terry were too busy deciding between a Bloomin’ Onion and Aussie Cheese Fries to and must’ve forgotten to make their drink order. Whatever, I’d just drink for three, anyway. Ha!

I ordered a coke to mix with my J&B just before our food came out of the kitchen, which was rather quickly because we were the only three people in the restaurant at 11:30.

Ron and Terry made small talk with me until our $9.99 steak plates showed up. I went with the Diablo Sirloin. It was a power move. I kept trying to bring up emerging markets and taking the company public, much to Ron and Terry’s delight. They just kept nodding along and saying “mmm hmm.” I think they really liked my ideas, especially the one about relocating to a professional loft office space downtown. When the check came, I offered to pay, but they insisted that they take care of it. They must’ve really been impressed with me.

We headed back to the office after lunch and I got ready for my first office meeting, which was at 2 o’clock. I prepared to charm the pants off of my new coworkers.

I texted my boss at 1:58 to let him know to “just start without me” and I’d be in shortly. Didn’t get a response, but they began the meeting without me, just like I requested. I showed up around five minutes late, told everyone I was on the phone conducting “prospective business” and got introduced by my boss to the company. It was my chance to make a dynamite first impression and I wouldn’t let the opportunity pass me by.

I started off by letting everyone know how excited I was to be here and finished up by telling them all about my “big plans for the company.” Everyone was so impressed by my remarks that they stayed totally silent, in awe of my ambition.

They opened up the floor for any suggestions at the end of the meeting and I took control, going into a detailed plan about increasing the company’s social media outreach. I got cut off several times by people asking about getting a new microwave in the break room, but I think I got my point across.

The day finally came to a close, and it was time to do some real, actual work. Before I even got the chance, the maintenance man finally showed up at my desk to fix the lights above my cubicle. About time. There are only 27 other offices in the office park. Gil Humplestead’s needs come before everyone else’s. He was really bothering me, so I headed to the break room to get a little afternoon snack. My buzz from lunch was wearing off and I was getting a little tired. I thought it was a good time to take a little power nap. 3pm is the ideal time to get some shuteye. That’s how they do it in Europe. I should know, I went to Disneyland Paris when I was 11.

I woke up rejuvenated from my power nap and headed back to my desk to bang out some solid work to close out my day strong. I walked back to my desk, but the office was already emptied out and it was 7:30 at night. I guess the whole office knew not to mess with a sleeping bear, especially one that was in a deep, two-drink-induced sleep state.

I decided I still needed to do some work, so I stayed after and tinkered with my email settings, even added a badass email signature:

Gilbert T. Humplestead, Sr.
Junior Marketing Assistant Coordinator
Incorporated Partners & Co.
B.A., Communications, State University College of State, Class of 2013
Twitter: @TheGilfHunter
Phone: 555.782.7764
“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.” -Michael Jordan

Solid day’s work for your boy, diary. Can’t wait to see what the future holds.

-Gil “The Hump” Humplestead

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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