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Deep Down, Everyone Just Wants To Be An Instagram Model

Deep Down, Everyone Just Wants To Be An Instagram Model

Criticized. Scrutinized. Dragged through the mud.

There’s no shortage of ways to describe the current state of affairs when it comes to the treatment of Instagram models. From a public outcry to actually unfollow them to criticisms in the comment regarding #spon and #ad posts, Instagram ‘models’ have replaced the Kelvin filter as the most maligned aspect of the app that causes our parents to ask, “How the fuck do you use so much data every month?”

It isn’t easy to accurately define an Instagram model. You can begin with your Alexis Rens and your Helen Owens, but the line becomes more and more blurry when you see Scott Disick selling glow-up teeth whiteners and Bachelor contestants selling fake Yeezys – looking at you, Raven. But with that being said, a generalized definition of the heavily examined profession would be anyone who makes a living solely on the money they bring in from the posts they have on Instagram. Everyone I just named is, by definiton, an Instagram model in some way, shape, or form. And they get killed by the general public for it.

Deep down, though, everyone just wants to be an Instagram model. Considered to be shameless and overtly sexual, their approval rating is truly bottom of the barrel. But if you’re telling yourself you wouldn’t do the same thing? Well, you need to look deep within yourself and have a real conversation.

We can’t all have six packs, thigh brows, and a full-time staff editing any blemishes that exist on our thighs. This is just the harsh truth of the working man and working woman. We can’t dedicate our lives to working out and posting it on our Instagram story while also promoting the line of athletic wear we just dropped a month ago that looks exactly like Lululemon. “And I don’t want to do that,” you say to yourself from your ivory tower.

To that, I say, “Lies. Completely and utter lies.”

Generally speaking, “doing things for the Instagram” is frowned upon. Instagram models, for all intents and purposes, are doing pretty much everything during their waking day for the Instagram. To the common man, that’s an absolute trash move. But when you’re getting offered five figures to throw up one post with the dreaded “#ad” on your feed? Well, there’s obviously going to be a change of tune.

As a society full of lazy human beings, we want to get paid to do nothing. You don’t want to pound spreadsheets and attend yearly reviews. You’re looking forward to an early retirement where you literally do absolutely nothing until you die. Fact. So to call out the life and careers of those who do actually get paid to do nothing? It’s simply unfair.

I dream of a world where robots have taken over our entire existence and we’re all on one large government paid vacation where we make our extra money by telling people to swipe up in the link in our bio to buy black market protein powders. I want direct deposits into my bank account that are an immediate result of a post I made where I’m nonchalantly holding a bottle of lemonade that tastes just like every other lemonade out there. I crave an account full of DMs from start-ups begging me to share their shitty product with my millions of followers. And despite you not wanting to admit it, I’m positive you feel the same way.

Picture this. Your boss, who you hate, sends you a vague calendar invite that immediately leads to you thinking you’re about to get canned. Upon entering the conference room, he slides a piece of paper across the desk that you believe to be your notice of termination. Upon reviewing the details, you suddenly see a bottom line. $10,000.

“Wow, quite the severance from someone who hasn’t done shit for the last three months,” you think to yourself.

“I’ve brought you here today,” he starts, “to offer you a role to be a major player in our new Instagram initiative. I want you to take this product [throws you a fit tea] and post an unsuspecting photo to your Instagram feed that drives some sales for us. It doesn’t matter how many sales you drive because we’re going to pay you this $10,000 up front.”

You gulp. “Wait, are you serious?”

“Yes, you ungrateful shit. Now get out there and start selling some fucking tea.”

You’re shell-shocked regarding how you can make so much by doing so little. You wonder why anyone in the world would take your uninformed opinion on supplements, teas, and various other products considering you’re nothing more than a good looking individual who gets more likes when you’re in a swimsuit.

Isn’t that the ultimate dream? Isn’t that what we’re all here for? To make as much as humanly possible while doing as little as we possibly can? Wouldn’t we all rather be in Positano pretending to be on vacation when, in reality, we’re only there because we need a change of scenery in our sponsored posts? Don’t you want to be put up in a Beverly Hills hotel pretending to brunch with the sole intention of building your following out so you can start charging even more per post? It’s a completely mindless decision.

Yet here we are, complaining to every Devin Brugman and Maddie Brenneman who puts a sponsored post on their feed as if they’re coming to our house and taking the batteries out of our remote controls. They’re not inconveniencing us by posting these ads; they’re simply living their best life.

Now let’s get out there and sell some fucking tea.

Image via Instagram

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Will

Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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