I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m still reeling from the 300 Sandwiches blog story that went viral last week. To quote, from the ‘about’ page:
“Make me a sandwich.”
That’s what my boyfriend, E, asks without fail every morning. Not “babe, where are my keys?” Not, “honey, where are my socks?” And no, not even, “c’mon, just the tip?”
After that comment, many a self-respecting woman would have slapped their boyfriend or used her teeth at an inopportune time, but this chick went for it. Hell, she was so gung-ho about getting hitched she made a recipe blog because as we all know, men love the details of their personal lives splashed all over the Internet.
Stephanie Smith, and editor for the New York Post, and her boyfriend Eric Schulte, a gourmet chef, are in their mid-thirties living in Brooklyn, which explains why most of her creations look like they tumbled straight out of Kinfolk Magazine, but I digress. This woman is crafting 300 sandwiches because her boyfriend gave her an ultimatum. After the last bite of the final, metaphor-laden sandwich he would put a ring on it. And they would be chained in the shackles of matrimony forever.
These aren’t just run-of-the-mill ham and cheese on whole wheat sandwiches, either. Take a look at some of these beauties:
Much like people who begin to prepare ahead of schedule for the zombie apocalypse or second coming (the latter won’t really make a difference, NYC will operate normally), I started a list of the resulting “relationship currencies” that might go into effect after the general population learns about the stipulations of this tentative arrangement (i.e. the Midwest). Goods for services will once again control our futures, and instead of trading sheep for dowries, it’ll be a concrete number of Taco Bell trips versus how many times you’re willing to forgive them for reinstalling Tinder. And here I thought “to love and to hold” was all about fighting over the Netflix queue and going to Hooters for the wings.
Therefore, I propose a new system of Relationship Currency in a Post-300 Sandwiches World:
- 87 Burgers for the Right to Vote
- 2 half-hearted hand jobs to drive the Prius
- 10 ice cream sandwiches for a full day at Ikea
- 8 sloppy joes for a few hours of unbridled joy with the credit card
- Half a taco so he’ll take out the trash
- 34 PB&J’s to secure the TV on a football Sunday
- 15 sushi rolls to upgrade the country club membership
- A few vials of klonopin for a tropical vacation
- Promising to lose 5 pounds for one final trip to TGI Friday’s
- 15 turkey burgers to get rid of the aforementioned Prius
- 12 lasagna’s for a New England antiquing trip
- 3 Xanax for a park picnic
- 28 Pad Thai’s for a Women’s Studies Degree
- A few fistfuls of Adderall for a smoothie maker
- 880 blow jobs for no pre-nup