ABC Has A Monopoly On My Life

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When you’re new to a big city like I am, it’s easy to adopt the resident TV as your go-to source for company and entertainment on a nightly basis. If you’re like me and you’ve already used up all your Netflix viewings of Friday Night Lights, The Office, and Parks and Recreation, resorting back to the ol’ boob tube is somewhat of a trip down memory lane.

Without even realizing it until just recently, ABC has successfully bought 100% of my nightly summer viewership, and I don’t even know what to think of it.

As of tonight, I will have devoted multiple hours of my valuable evening time to ABC’s primetime series seven out of the last nine nights (last Sunday through tonight, i.e.).

NBA Finals? With LeBron now officially on the back nine of his NBA career and Kyrie and Co. having less on-the-court chemistry than Walter White and Jesse Pinkman, I’m not dumb enough to believe the Cavs actually have a shot in hell at beating the trendiest sports team of our time. But I’m a schmuck when it comes to watching everyone lose their minds over Draymond Green being a ridiculous human being and seeing Tyronn Lue “coach” the most influential athlete on the planet.

OJ Simpson documentary? I’m as much of a sucker for sports documentaries as the next guy. But when you promote the hell out of a trailer with film festival stamps on it and an intriguingly creepy soundtrack to it, you best believe I’m devoting the “pregame” time slot of my Saturday night to ABC again. Ya boy can’t wait for the four remaining parts of this hyped-up five-part series — just make sure not to spoil the ending for me.

How’s a movie buff like myself supposed to say no to that?

The Bachelorette? Dudes having a stigma about following the best comedy on television is so 2015. Chad Johnson — noted Tulsa, OK luxury real estate agent and probable steroid abuser — has hilariously elevated the idea of “alpha male” to glorious new heights. Aaron Rodgers’ younger brother is actually quite the frailweight, but he somehow successfully owns the association he has with his brother towards a flawless “pretty boy swag” demeanor around the lovely JoJo. Dark horse Chase possesses the silent confidence that the show’s producers absolutely hate. The two-night special last Monday and Tuesday provided for consecutive nights that led me to laughing harder than I have in recent memory.

My consistent relationship with ABC is not long for this world, unfortunately. Even without the recently-suspended Most Hated Player on Earth, it’s hard to imagine Steph Curry and his fine-tuned squad choking up the opportunity to close the Cavs at home this time around. The 2015-16 NBA season will most likely end tonight, ceasing my relationship with watching sports on ABC until next June.

Despite the untamed hype that they’ve produced for it, The Walt Disney Company will air the remaining parts of OJ: Made in America on ESPN, resuming on Tuesday. So much for primetime television….

…which is all irrelevant, considering the fact that JoJo and ten other dudes not named Chad will still continue to be on the forefront of my Monday night to-do list until at least late July.

Thanks, ABC. You make boring summer nights worthwhile..

Image via YouTube / ABC

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Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Evan Lawrence

I used to wreck deFries and Dave on the Grandex ping pong scene.