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NOTE: This post contains more spoilers than a Fast and Furious movie. If you have yet to watch the second episode, please take caution.
Here we are. Week two. This is when the real hitters in this game make their presence felt. The women of The Bachelor are all looking for love. By love, I mean a chance to win over America’s heart, finish in at least the top four, fail to get a rose, and be invited to become ABC’s next bachelorette. I don’t want to speak for all women, but the American Dream isn’t to work on a farm in the middle of Iowa. It’s to be seduced by twenty-five eligible bachelors in exotic locations, all while having it narrated by Chris Harrison.
However, before we get that far, we must go on a number of dates and eliminate a few boozed up girls. So, let’s get to it.
Last week, we left with Kimberly not getting a rose, but midway through her exit interview, she decided to walk back into the mansion to beg Chris to take her back. Why hasn’t anyone else from the previous eighteen seasons thought to do this? Chris was shocked at first, but he eventually took Kimberly back, which, as you can imagine, went over splendidly with the other women.
The first group date card read, “Show me your country.” This clever line also served as a reminder that Chris is a farmer, in case you forgot. Obviously, this meant that the first date was going to have something to do with the country, and, let’s be honest, there’s nothing more country than a pool party on the top of a skyscraper in downtown Los Angeles.
Immediately after the pool party, Chris and the girls walked down the street — the girls still in their bikinis, of course — to a racetrack with tractors waiting at the start line. (Goodness, Taylor Swift’s latest album is more “country” than this.) The girls hopped on the tractors and began racing. Considering tractors are slower than Ashley S., it took a while.
Meanwhile, back at the the bachelor estate, Megan and Jillian snuck into Chris’s room in an attempt “to get to know him better.” They snooped around and found various things, although I’m pretty sure Jillian was only there to find where Chris hides his weights, because it was shoulders and back day for her. Megan tried on Chris’s motorcycle helmet and proceeded to bang her head against everything in sight. I wish I was kidding, but that part actually happened.
Ashley I. ended up winning the tractor race, and her prize was to not get any one-on-one time with Chris. However, she did get to sit on his lap for, like, fifteen seconds. Instead of giving a one-on-one date to the tractor race winner, Chris decided to take uber-hippie Mackenzie out, and boy was it awkward. Here’s a general recap:
Chris: “I like your dress.”
Mackenzie: “Thanks, it’s made entirely out of hemp.”
C: “Oh.”
M: “You have a huge nose.”
C: “Uh, thanks?”
M: “No seriously, even Doug Funnie thinks you have a huge nose.”
C: “Okay, I get it.”
M: “Do you have to give that nose back to Adrian Brody when you’re done with it, or…?”
C: “Yeah, I have a big nose, I know.”
M: “No, but it’s cute. I love big noses. Gonzo was my favorite muppet growing up.”
C: “Cool.” *sips water*
M: “Do you believe in aliens?” *hopes to hear some cool, crop circle stories*
C: “Uhhhh…”
M: “I haven’t been on a date in so long.”
C: *mumbles under breath* “I wonder why.”
Mackenzie then decided to tell Chris that she has a son. “I haven’t told Chris I have a son. I just hope he doesn’t think I’m some psychopath,” she confessed. Don’t worry, Macky. I’m confident the aliens question already solidified your psychopath status with him. Chris ended up giving her a rose, probably just so she’ll have something to add to her organic herbal flower garden.
Chris later took Megan, the makeup artist from Nashville, to the Grand Canyon, which is actually the second-largest canyon in America — Megan’s cleavage comes first. GEWWW! The date went well and she got a rose, too.
On the final group date, Chris decided to take the girls zombie paintballing. The cool thing, though, was that the ABC producers didn’t even need to hire anyone for this segment. They just poured a few drinks for Tara, and boom, they had their zombie. During the game of zombie paintball, Britt remained as cute as ever, Jillian dead-lifted a few cars to make sure no zombies were hiding under them, and Ashley S.? Well…
You may remember Ashley S. as last week’s #OnionGirl. Well, this week, she went even further off the rails saying things like, “I’ve found the truth…boom. Boom, like, the truth. We’re the essence of vertical conventions. Shy and warm, robust and temperament. Has anyone seen my copy of Hope Floats on DVD? You don’t want to lose the whole world, but you also don’t want to gain the whole world.”
Pretty sure Ashley S. is going to straight up murder someone before this season ends.
On the final night, we learned Jordan decided to take over the role of “town drunk” this week, as I’m sure Tara is still recovering from last week’s hangover. Jordan is basically a poor man’s Kate Hudson, and based on clips from the show, it seems as if she was drunk the entire episode. At one point, she attempted an upside down twerk against a bathroom wall. She also publicly bashed Jillian for having a really hairy butt crack. Classic Jordan.
At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison explained the rules: “Yadda, yadda, yadda, if you don’t get a rose, you must leave, yadda, yadda, except if you don’t, cough KIMBERLY cough.” Then the rose accepting began.
Britt: Of course.
Ashley I.: Duh.
Kelsey: Without a doubt.
“Julia — wait, no, Jillian. I said Julia.”
(Wow, that was awkward. Luckily, Jillian does CrossFit ten times a week, so she was able to maintain her balance without falling on her ass.)
Nikki: Yup. Sure.
Amber: Saw that coming.
Jade: Wait, who?
Becca: Has she been on the show the whole time?
Carly: Okay, now I just feel like they’re making up girls.
Chris Harrison walked out to inform us all that this is the final rose. Thanks, Chris. I can count, but thanks!
And the final rose went to: Ashley S.
Well, at least we get another week of #OnionGirl.
The girls who got sent home included Kimberly (again LOL), Tandra, Alissa, Tara (the “sports fishing enthusiast” drunk), and Jordan (the “knows way too much about Jillian’s butt crack” drunk).
Next week on The Bachelor… The trailer for next week’s episode shows shots of a man in a suit getting out of a limo and walking into Chris’s room while he’s sleeping. “Oh great, Kimberly is back,” we all thought at first, but no. It’s — Jimmy Kimmel?! Oh, I bet he’s there to tell us that he staged the video of Jordan’s upside down bathroom twerking.
Until next week….
Image via Shutterstock
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Austin Huff
Austin wears pants every day. He is also the founder of KorkedBats.com.
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@AustinHuff
I actually really enjoy these recaps. I feel like they are 10x better than the actual show.
Please tell me you recorded this in order to write this article and watched the College Football National Championship live. Otherwise I’m going to question the authenticity of this truly being written by a guy.
I’d rather masturbate with high grade sandpaper than watch this show.