8 Simple Steps To Get Rid Of A Stage-Five Clinger

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I’ve completely mind-fucked myself. What began as a conversation between my two idiotic guy friends and me about how to get rid of clingy bitches ended up as a very insightful conversation about what men think women hate. This happened all while we watched the Ohio State-Oregon game, which was a stupid game. My friends barely paid attention because they were too busy debating over which teams’ cheerleaders were hotter. Oregon won. Not the game, the debate. Keep the fuck up.

“Hey, D, wanna see my balls?” idiot numero uno asked me, making sure I was paying attention to which blonde had bigger tits. Such is the harassment I subject myself to. Being friends with morons is extremely enlightening, though. They are my favorite, even though our friendship is based on whether or not I let them use my roof gym, clean shower, Amazon Prime, Fios, and roof grill. Not to mention, they enjoy taking advantage of my excellent view of the Freedom Tower, which they tend to salute when they’re blacked out. They both make more money than I do. It’s infuriating.

So, how did this begin, you ask? One of them is very upset because his side chick tried to hold his hand in a movie theater. How dare she? He must now get rid of her. However, we all agreed that she is clingy and that we have to figure out how he can make her leave thinking it was her idea to leave in the first place. He’ll say something really, really rude in a passive manner while slightly intoxicated, so if she brings it up, he can, as T-Pain so brilliantly taught us, blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Shall we?

1. Tell her she has a smelly vagina. That should do the trick.

HORROR. I am horrified. If anyone ever said this to me, I think I would actually cry. I’m usually only capable of crying if there is a puppy nearby, or if the lady at the nail place cuts my cuticles so short that I bleed. We agreed this would work, so there was no need to continue the conversation, right? Wrong. We proceeded.

2. Tell her that she’s just mad because her mom is hotter than she is.

This could only work if her mom is ACTUALLY hotter than she is. If someone said this to me, I’d be all like, “My mom is an angel and she makes the best damn pancakes west of the Mississippi, but the doorman at Finale fucking knows me by ‘Dr. Angelface’ and he’s seen, like, every celebrity ever, so I’ve already won and now I see through your little scheme.”

3. Girls hate it when you acknowledge that their friends and sisters are hot, so do that.

She will only hate this if she is genuinely interested in you. I take pride in the fact that I have hot friends, so if I’m only sleeping with you because I’m bored, then you thinking my people are hot is actually a confidence booster. However, if I’m trying to date you for real (LOL) this will probably irk the fuck out of me. Unfortunately, this probably isn’t strong enough to get rid of the cling wrap.

4. Don’t notice her haircut. Girls hate when you don’t notice their haircut.

Apparently, if you don’t notice a girl’s haircut and she tells you she got a haircut and cannot believe that you didn’t notice, you must then shower her with compliments on how amazing and beautiful she looks, and how sorry you are for not noticing that she got a quarter of an inch cut off of her hair. These are their words, not mine. I won’t even address this because it is asinine.

At this point, please understand the ADD that resides within all men and note that we have veered off the topic of conversation. Don’t worry, though — we’ll return. Please enjoy this ridiculous transcript written for your reading pleasure:

“All women have a friend named Tiffany.”

I assure them I do not.

“You don’t fucking count,” they say.

One of them has offered to take his dick out.

We’re back to Tiffany. Apparently, all Tiffanys are hot. Scratch that. All Tiffanys are strippers. We agree that most Tiffanys are hot and that even if some of them are strippers, it doesn’t make them not hot.

“Dannah is a stripper name,” they say.

I do not oppose this. They nod their heads in my acceptance of their abuse and face the TV.

“Black dudes are allowed to dance whenever the fuck they want.”

We return to getting rid of clingy bitches, although it has moved more into a conversation about what women hate. You guys still with me? I hope you enjoyed that brief intermission.

5. Girls really don’t like when you wear the same underwear and socks for three days. If there is no crust, I don’t see the problem.

They are spot on, and I hate admitting when they are right. That is fucking gross. The problem is, you smell. Yes, we can smell you, too. You don’t have a bubble around you that only lets your stink pass through your own orifices. What is the most shocking is that you shower and then you put on the SAME SHIT. Are you kidding me?

6. They hate it when you pee in the shower. Why? It’s one of the finer simplicities of life.

“I brush my teeth and pee at the same time in the shower!”

“Dude, so do I!”

They high-five.

“Why do farts smell worse in the shower?”

They laugh uncontrollably.

“I literally thought that today!”

They high-five again.

Guys, what we don’t know won’t hurt us. You can leave ALL of this out during our weekly brunch conversation. I’m begging you, please stop.

7. They hate when you give them your reusable jizz rag.

“Dude, you use a rag? I use paper towels.”

“Much more environmentally sound to use a rag.”

What. The. Actual. Fuck. A reusable jizz rag? You’re telling me that you jerk off into a rag, do not wash it, and then when you sleep with a girl and jizz on her, you GIVE HER SAID RAG TO WIPE OFF WITH? I have left the room.

8. Some women don’t like when you have fun with your friends.

Most of us WANT you to have a life outside of us. Go hang with your bros! Do whatever! Flirt with anyone you want. Get it out of your system so the next time we hang out, you’re at square one. Honestly, we think it’s cute when you do bro-time. Not sure why, because I know you’re all probably just on Pornhub comparing Tori Black videos. Whatever. What I’m saying is, only passive-aggressive clingy bitches would get pissed at this. This is why you should get rid of them.

See what I did there? I have given you the tools to avoid these things. If you truly are trying to get rid of a clingy bitch, it’s best to just be honest. Tell her you’re not into it. She’ll either go apeshit or she’ll understand. You have a fifty-fifty chance, the same as today’s marriages. Also, if she goes apeshit, you should take a hard look at your judgement. If that doesn’t work, you are shit out of luck, my furry friend. Now get the fuck out.

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Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist.

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