5 Keys To Dominating Your Group Text

Group texting is the new GChat. It’s where time wasting happens. If you aren’t part of a group text, you need to reevaluate your life. Follow these instructions closely.

Be Elusive

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It’s very easy to overdo the group text. You don’t want to send out a message every time something mildly funny happens. It’s great that your coworker responded to a lunch invite with, “I’m going to come,” and I really respect come/cum humor, but sometimes less is more. Keep a low profile and wait for the perfect time to strike. Your group will benefit in the long run.

Pics Or GTFO


Pay close attention to this. If you’re going to blow up your group text with any story involving ass, you better be ready to back that shit up with a picture. I don’t care if you’re in the middle of a job interview with some babe who kind of looks like Jill from Home Improvement. We’re going to need a picture or else you’ve just wasted everyone’s time. Group text blue balls are the worst, and it’s a surefire way to kill group morale. Have that iPhone camera ready to go at all times, and don’t worry about getting busted. It just makes for a better story.

Embarrass Someone


This is a great way to strengthen bonds within the group. Embarrassing pictures are key to the livelihood of any group text. If someone calls you out for that time you bailed on a Tinder date because you may have crapped your pants, fire back with that picture of him face-down in a drained pool. Shots fired. You get how this works. It’s all about the back and forth. Oh, and don’t go nuclear on your friends. Have measured, reasonable responses. No need to call in a drone strike on your childhood best friend because he brought up the fact that you wet the bed until you were fourteen. Have fun, but don’t burn a bridge.

Screenshot Unobtainable Ass

The foundation of any solid group is unobtainable ass. That screenshot of Caitlin from the University of Arizona is going to turn someone’s day around, and it will have everyone wondering why they didn’t go to school in Arizona. (Seriously, though. What’s going on there? There’s just so much.) Think about it. The group needs a pick-me-up. You probably have at least two friends doing some type of oil and gas work for a living. You seen the price of West Texas Intermediate lately? (Sitting just above $48 right now.) Fuck me. This is bad. Fire off a distraction for the love of God. Let them worry about their job security with a semi. They’d do it for you.

Flex Zone

There will likely come a time when you’re doing something completely over the top that will get you in some serious shit with your wife, coworkers, or normal human beings. We’re talking a serious reputation hit here. You’re not doing anything you shouldn’t be, but man, haters are around every corner. That means you can’t take it to social media to show everyone how you ran into Bilzerian during your bachelor party and taught high class escorts how to butt chug. Sucks, I know. But hey, that’s what group texts are for. As long as you have a solid group of people you trust with life-altering photos, you’re good.

Image via Shutterstock, Instagram

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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