A Realistic Roster Of Suitors For “The Bachelorette”


Last night was the premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelorette.” This season, Andi Dorfman, a smokeshow attorney from Atlanta, will date 25 of America’s most eligible bachelors. For the next 10 weeks, we will watch as Andi plays just the tip with her pick of dudes until she finds “the one.”

Every season is stacked with a wide variety of men, and this season does not disappoint. There’s Carl, a 6 foot 3 firefighter from Florida, who, just by looking at him, you can tell he’s the kind of guy to unzip your pants with his teeth. Then there’s Bradley, an opera singer from Michigan, who looks like he’s no stranger to butt chugging–it preserves his vocal cords.

Based on the season highlight trailer, it looks like this season is going to be a royal shitshow. Nothing says “pure entertainment” like watching a group of successful men cry like fucking babies and fight like little girls for a rose.

However, I think the show is lacking one thing: a fair representation of America’s less prominent bachelors. I know they wouldn’t be as sexy, because most people don’t want to watch an average Joe secretly fingerbang a beautiful woman under a blanket during a picnic in Paris, but I say let’s give that guy his due. If dating has taught me one thing, it’s that it isn’t all handsome doctors and lawyers out there.

Here’s a rundown of who Andi could be dating if ABC hadn’t pulled together a goldmine of men to fall in love with her on national TV.

Mike B.
Age: 27
Occupation: Call Center Manager
Hometown: Detroit, Mich.
Bio: After spending six years in community college earning his degree in general studies, Mike B. moved into the house next door to his parents. On weekends, he enjoys shooting empty beer cans with pellet guns and competing in wing-eating contests at the local Quaker Steak & Lube.

Age: 29
Occupation: Applebee’s Senior Server
Hometown: Milwaukee, Wis.
Bio: An aspiring rapper, Trey splits his time between sneaking underage girls Long Island iced teas at work and recording his demo in his manager’s basement studio. On the outside, he may look like a choir boy, but his demeanor is harder than a week-old baguette.

Age: 28
Occupation: Mortgage Banker
Hometown: Newark, N.J.
Bio: Before there was The Situation, there was Derrick. A self-proclaimed Guido, Derrick is always two shades too tan. In his spare time, he can be found at Gold’s Gym, where he pumps iron and chases tail. He will never love any woman more than his mother.

Mike F.
Age: 32
Occupation: Actor/Musician/Photographer
Hometown: Los Angeles, Calif.
Bio: Dubbed “the next Brad Pitt” by his Bubbie, Mike F. is a method actor from sunny California. When he’s not getting stoned on Skid Row for “role research,” Mike F. loves hosting theme parties at his studio apartment in the Valley. His performance in the 1999 straight to VHS hit, “Rosemary’s Twin Babies,” was called “a horrendously devastating mess” by LA Weekly.

Age: 26
Occupation: Sales
Hometown: Charlotte, N.C.
Bio: Dalton was a high school football star before going off to college, gaining 50 pounds, and dropping out. He makes a modest living buying and selling random shit on eBay.

Age: 30
Occupation: Butcher
Hometown: Houston, Texas
Bio: A doomsday prepper, Ryan has stockpiled more than 1,000 cans of non-perishable items in the walls of his house. His Twitter account, @BeatYoMeat, has been suspended by the NSA two times in the past month.

Age: 35
Occupation: Equity Analyst
Hometown: Orlando, Fla.
Bio: Alex graduated with honors from FSU before working for a top financial consulting firm. After working 60-hour weeks for the last several years, Alex has learned to appreciate the small things in life: Xanax, Netflix, and alcohol.

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