A Guide To Sending Dick Pics

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So you’ve decided to send a picture of your boy boloney to somebody. Good for you. Just like getting pubes, or shaving for the first time, it’s a special rite of passage in any modern man’s life. But firing out selfies of your front tail isn’t something to rush into. Here are a few things to consider before you hit “send.”

1. Do you plan to pursue a career in politics at any point in your life?

If the answer is “yes,” then dick pics are not for you. Because as soon as you pursue that avenue, your dick pic has suddenly become very valuable to whoever is in possession of a digital copy. And there’s nothing worse than fucking your own career in the ass with your own dick. Except for maybe having to pay money to somebody, along with lawyer fees, in order to retrieve a photo of your own ween.

2. How are your shrubs looking?

Think of it as picture day at school, and get a goddamn haircut. You don’t want to look like some filthy caveman animal. And I’m not saying you need to take a Mach 8 razor to your guy lawn. Think more when Bradley Cooper has a 3-4 day growth of stubble. You want to appear masculine, with a bit of boyish innocence. No one wants to receive a dick pic that reminds them of the time they walked in on their dad in the bathroom.

3. Do you give a fuck?

Are you the type of person who “gives a fuck?” Or are no fucks given with you? If you give a fuck, maybe dick pics are not for you. However, if you really don’t give a fuck, send away. Let the visuals of your pants pig roam free.

4. What time of day is it?

The morning dick pic is strictly reserved for a long term relationship. And while 3am probably seems like the best time to send one flirtatiously, I would say 10-11pm, 2-4 beers in on a weekday would come across as being the most sincere and clear-headed. Try to steer clear of midday. If you’re at work, you won’t have time to take one with enough quality. And if you’re at home during the day, you just look like a lazy scumbag who’s bored and horny. No bueno.

5. Can I just use Snapchat for safety?

No. Snapchat is for teenage girls. If you’re gonna send a dick pic, be a man about it. Take a fucking picture of your penis and send it as a text message. Grow up. Don’t be such a pussy.

6. Does the lady WANT a dick pic?

If you’re lucky, she’ll just ask for one, possibly by sending you a picture of her own personal parts, but if not, you really need to feel her out. Try making a joke about sending one. If she says something to effect of, “Gross don’t ever do that,” then don’t ever do that. Sending an unwanted dick pic is bad news. But if you get “Really? Hahahaha. I’ve never gotten one.” Then she’s probably lying that she hasn’t, and is into it. Just make sure you don’t get into a Brett Favre situation (which was a pretty sad situation for an NFL stud).

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Which brings us to…

7. Favre-ing

That’s when you send your buddy a picture of your cock so he accidentally looks at it, and hopefully, opens the picture up with his phone in clear view of someone that makes him uncomfortable. Homoerotic? Slightly. Hilarious? Yes. Might lose a friend over it? Who needs friends that think they’re too good to look at your dick. It’s just a dick. Relax and let the “no fucks given” people have some fun.

8. Hard or soft?

Unless you’re packin’ a real club banger, I’d suggest going with half-mast. It levels the playing field in the wiener world. At half-mast, you can’t really tell what size your pickle started, or what size its potential is.

But, if you’ve got some premium heat in your shorts, go all in with a rock hard bad boy. Good for you in the tube department. Also, Favre away at will to your idiot buddies. Really let ‘em know they can suck it.

9. Lighting, Filters and Angles

Shoot, shoot, shoot. Take a bunch from different angles to find your best side. Utilize the Camera+ app. And while the “golden hour” in the morning or afternoon isn’t always best for sending, it’s great for taking. But stay away from disgusting florescent lighting that’ll show every ingrown hair you’ve ever had. Just try to make the time of day look generic in the finished product when you message your Cheddarwurst, so that you don’t appear to be sending a stock photo from God-knows-when. That’s bad form. Dick pics need to seem spontaneous and special to the person on the receiving end. No woman wants an old t-shirt that belonged to your ex-girlfriend, and they sure as fuck don’t want a recycled dick pic. Romance is important.

10. Face or no face?

While the obvious risk factor is upped with your face in the shot, it’s tough enough to get your meat correct, let alone trying to get your mug on point too. I’d personally just focus on one thing at a time. Although I can’t say that I haven’t fired out a few full body mirror portraits on request due to a “no fucks given” lifestyle. Even guys have “skinny days,” and it’s nice to feel positive about your body.

11. Is she crazy?

Or does she have the potential to be? Because if you break up, your dick pic is now a lethal weapon to be sent to family members. You want your mother or sister seeing your dirty soldier? That’s fuck all disgusting.

12. Delete them off of your phone after you send them.

No need to pop up 37 pictures of your business when you’re trying to show a coworker how beautiful your visit to Augusta was.

13. Do you have a problem with her friends seeing it?

Because they’re going to. No matter what she says. And they will judge you. So you better make sure that photograph shows your sinner at its best.

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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