6 Things Your Wedding Guests Actually Want To Buy You

Weddings are a time for celebration. They are a time to show your support, a time to take full advantage of an open bar. Weddings are also a time to shell out cash for random crap sold at Bed Bath & Beyond.

It’s customary if you attend a wedding to show your appreciation and well wishes to the bride and groom by buying them a gift for their new life together. But more often than not, the registry is filled with ridiculously priced items that may never get any actual use. A $90 pair of serving spoons? The fuck are you planning to serve with those? Heaps of high-grade Columbian nose candy? The brains of a Harvard graduate? There are so many other things a wedding guest could spend his or her money on that would benefit the newlyweds a lot more.

Contraception > China Set


Life before kids is all about you. Life after kids? It’s all about runny-nosed toddlers scribbling on your walls with sharpies and putting everything they shouldn’t in their mouths. Before you know it, Friday nights you previously spent downing beers at a socially unacceptable rate gets replaced with diaper changes and scrubbing your cereal- and juice-encrusted kitchen floor. Forget about getting the happy couple breakable dishware and buy them a Costco-sized box of condoms.

Babysitting Services > Blender


Your friends know that from now until you ship your kids off to college, you will always have a legitimate excuse to miss socials events. No matter how bad you might want to throw on a Hawaiian shirt and dad jeans and attend a Jimmy Buffet concert with your friends, if your kid is sick, you can’t go. Fuck the 8-speed blender, buy your married friends babysitting services.

Couples Therapy > Cutting Board

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He constantly leaves the toilet seat up. She is always nagging him to chew with his mouth closed. He develops selective hearing whenever the game is on. She spends way too much money on shoes she deems a necessity. Before you know it, you go from happily married to Googling life insurance policies and wondering if an insanity plea would hold up in court. “Your honor, I had to smother him with that pillow–his snoring was so loud and I had to be up for work in a few hours.” Better to work it out with a neutral third party than end up on the television show “Snapped.”

Hall Pass > Glassware


Sure, you love your spouse. But you try telling me you wouldn’t slay some hot, able-bodied smokeshow if given the go ahead from your significant other and I’ll tell you you’re full of shit.

A Remodel For His And Hers Bathrooms > Towels

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Nothing kills the mood like heading into the bathroom after your spouse only to be met with a stench so horrendous you wonder if there is a dead body rotting in the walls. If there is one way to keep the spark alive, it’s to let him think that he and every other man is absolutely accurate in thinking that girls don’t poop. They do. You know who poops? Kate Upton. You know who else poops? Channing Tatum. God, reality is devastating. A marriage should be a joint venture in all aspects EXCEPT in the bathroom.

Legal Fees For A Divorce Attorney > Knife Set

Wedding rings and money

‘Til death do you part–or however long you can stand each other. I think Woody Allen summed it up best when he said, “The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.” Because if you can’t get off, at least you can get out.

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