A Breakup Letter To My Alma Mater



Hey! How’s it going? I was just thinking about how today is the first day of classes, and since this is the first time in four five years I won’t be there with you, I just wanted to check up on you and see how you were doing. I know you were probably pretty devastated when I graduated (I know you keep insisting that you graduated me, but lets just think about who got the education here), but I really hope there aren’t any hard feelings between us, and I can just be an alumnus, and you my alma mater. I know I was a great student, and you were a GREAT university! But really, I think things are probably just better off this way.

Look, honestly, I gotta talk to you about a few things. You should stop asking me for money like the old days. I know you’re calling it a “donation” now instead of “tuition” to make me feel like I’m the one doing a good thing, but I know what you’re really doing. You want me to come back. I get it. We had some great times together! Walks around campus, tailgates, free t-shirts, the parties. Oh, the parties. It was all really, really great! But I think we have to face the facts and realize it’s all over. I’m out in the real world now, exploring my options, moving on with life. Things change! I know you’ll find someone soon and — oh, what’s that? You’ve already found a new class? 2017? The biggest incoming freshman class to date? You don’t say. Yes, I’m definitely happy for you. Sure. They seem totally, totally great.

What’s that? I also see you renamed the library. I don’t see why you have to go change things; they were great the way they were. And you’re putting air conditioning in the freshman dorms? You told me you couldn’t do that for me because of “budget restrictions.” But you can do it for this “Class of 2017?” You barely even know them. I bet you just didn’t want to do it for me. What, was I not good enough for that? Were you sending out acceptance letters to them while I was still a student? Seriously? Sorry, sorry, you’re right, I did say things change. You’re just doing what’s best for you and the “Class of 2017.”

Honestly, they sound kind of stupid. And aren’t they a little young for you? I think you could do better. Your “biggest class?” Yeah, I’m not trying to suggest anything, but maybe you should watch your weight a little. You were kinda getting up there with the Class of 2016, and probably don’t wanna let yourself go.

What’s that? You’re already accepting applications for the 2018 class? You’re starting to sound a little slutty here. Seriously, did our time together mean nothing to you? You’re just going to let anyone in now? You’re damn right that was a double entendre.

Oh, who am I kidding? What’ll it take to come back? A Masters program, huh? How about another Bachelor’s degree? You’re making me reapply first? Really? Come on, I gave you everything I had! The best four years of my life! I gave you all of my time and energy! I helped pay for that nice new football stadium we both always wanted! I thought we had something great, and then out of nowhere you just gave me a diploma like I was just any other graduate.

I ate at the dining halls for you! I pulled all-nighters! Don’t act like I wasn’t good to you. And now all you can do is just send me your stupid alumni updates telling me how great things are going and how much you’re improving, while I’m just sitting around trying to find the job YOU promised YOUR education would help me get. Where is that job now, huh? Where is it? Yeah, well, you know what? You were nothing but broken dreams and empty promises. Thanks for nothing.

I hope you’re happy with your new “Class of 2017.” You’re making the biggest mistake of your life. I was the best thing that could have ever happened to you.

But seriously, four more years? Just think about it.


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one time i told a potential employer in an interview that my favorite movie was jurassic park, completely out of context. i think that sums up being an adult for me.

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