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When I was in 9th grade, I had to learn the location of every country in the entire world for my World Civilizations class. In Africa alone, there were fifty-six countries (it’s likely changed in the past 10 years, but I obviously can’t be expected to keep up with warlords). Fifty-six. It was a nightmare. Every few weeks, my teacher would bust out a new map on the SmartBoard and declare to the class that we were moving on to a new continent — a statement that was always met with groans and whimpers and some daughter of a state senator being all like “Why do I have to learn this? I live in AMERICA.” Basically we were all channeling our inner Sarah Palin during the vice presidential nominee vetting process, just blinded by xenophobia, apathy, and laziness. But it didn’t matter. Despite our protests, we still had to learn it. So, we’d go home and pop an Adderall and briefly look over our notes before getting into a fight with our mom and calling it quits for the night. Then we’d go to school, barely pass the test, and repeat the cycle until all seven continents had been completed.
From what I’ve gathered, this curriculum was pretty standard for every high school in the early 2000s, because I guess at some point the educators of America really thought our generation had a chance. Joke’s on them though, am I right? We don’t know shit. You can’t give an entire generation of kids access to both prescription drugs AND the internet and then expect them to save the world. No, no. Not gonna happen. We are far too self-involved for that.
But even though we don’t, as a whole, remember everything there is to know about the world, we still do remember bits and pieces from our days of football games and homecoming crowns, because as it turns out, Adderall was good for more than just an appetite suppressant.
North America
This is where America is. Basically everything here is safe, so long as you don’t go near any road featuring the words “Martin Luther King, Jr.” As a general rule of thumb, stick to the borders (except for Texas) because that means you’re near both the ocean and the 1 percent. Big cities include: New York City and LA. Washington D.C. is sometimes thrown into that group as well, but if you do go, be mindful of heroin needles and ugly people.
In addition to the United States, Mexico and Canada are also found in North America, but just like Kylie and Kendall, they’re really more of an afterthought. According to the news (twitter), Mexico is still pretty dangerous, so only plan on going there if it is absolutely necessary, meaning you need either a new nanny or a combination of pills that your GP refuses to prescribe you. Also, don’t drink the water. As far as Canada goes, I think it’s good for going skiing…and given the snow, you can probably even ski for real there, too. Apparently some of them speak French, which also might be beneficial if your nanny from Mexico doesn’t work out.
Europe
Europe: the better version of America! Isn’t it so funny that we ran away from them hundreds of years ago and now we’re just desperately trying to get back in their good graces? Europe is just…everything we’re not. They’re skinnier, they’re prettier, and if I know anything about finances (I don’t), they’re richer, too. In terms of Fashion, Europe is like the XS Versace and America is like the XXL Faded Glory. Big cities include London and Paris — just watch out for the gypsies. Despite what TLC wants you to believe, they are not very nice people. Also, as a general rule of thumb, stay clear of anyone that is not royalty as those people likely have never heard of braces before.
Asia
Because Mulan is my favorite Disney princess, I feel as though I am definitely an authority figure when it comes to all things Asia. Honestly, where do I even begin? Umm. There are a lot of countries here, as Asia is very large in size (except when we’re talking about penises). The food is also really good. My personal favorites include: crab rangoon, fried chicken with some sort of spicy red sauce on it, and Tex Mex egg rolls. Be on the lookout for friendly, talking dragons.
Africa
Ebola. Don’t go here.
South America
Oh boy. Not to be “that person” but there are a LOT of drug dealers in South America. Basically, if you’ve ever watched Nip/Tuck, you probably learned everything you need to know about it. Lots of scary men and also lots of beautiful women/beaches. Honestly, I call this one a toss-up.
Antarctica
Hmmm. I think only scientists live there, and because I imagine that scientists aren’t exactly the type to get their freak on, I can’t imagine that the population is growing. Other than weird humans who choose to live in subzero degrees, I believe Antarctica is the home to penguins and polar bears. Also, despite the cold weather, I have heard wonderful things about their cruise line…although that might be Alaska now that I think about it.
Australia
Fun fact. When I started writing this column, I had to Google “How many continents are there?” because I couldn’t fucking remember Australia for the life of me. It just seems a little silly to me that America doesn’t get its own continent, but the place that produced Keith Urban does. Apparently, though, people are actively trying to rename Australia “Oceania” which sounds like a fun place that Matthew McConaughey will visit in the sequel to Interstellar. Big cities include, like, Perth (?) and Sydney. Honestly, the only thing I know about Australia is what I learned on my 3rd grade field trip to Outback Steakhouse…and that statement alone should sum up why I don’t know shit about the world. .
Respond
Catie Warren
Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
I’m so sorry, Brian. So sorry.
I hope the sex is worth it.
She’s making you wait? Jesus Christ, man, that sucks.
Ms. Warren, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
PGP should seriously consider banning this bish for life
That would cause a lot of tension back at the apartment……
I knew this was going to be awful before I even read it but I’m appalled. I’ve never read something so ignorant and embarrassing in my entire life. Please don’t ever write again.
Go into a French public restroom and then try to tell me Europe is a better America.
The public bathrooms in France are pretty bad (and they might charge you for using them), but French people are by far the worst part of France.
The BO lingers in the air. It’s awful.
It’s only the Parisians that are bad. The rest of the French are really awesome people actually.
So you hate America. Good job, you continue to alienate Grandex’s customer base in either a sad attempt at satire or, more likely, just plain ignorance.
what the hell is wrong with you
If your goal was to make miss teen South Carolina up there feel better about herself, then congratulations.
Have you ever actually been to Europe? And the fact that you think the coasts are the best part of America explains a whole hell of a lot. People like you are the reason pop tarts come with instructions.
Idk man, incredibly high taxes, crippling national debt, unemployment figures in the teens, and year-long waits for out-patient medical procedures sounds pretty good.
Reading an article by Catie Warren, PGP
You’re really not trying to appeal to the usual PGP market, are you?