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I was a different dude before fatherhood. Slept more, drank more, worked less, etc. In addition, I had a very different concept of parenthood and what that should look like.
Let me make it clear: I didn’t often think about parenthood itself, or how I’d go about it. Those days for me were going to be far in the future when I was more grown up and mature (Narrator: they weren’t, and he wasn’t). Through mostly quick observation in public places, I’d form opinions in my head in the vein of “that parent is doing it right” or “that parent is an idiot and scarring that kid.”
In retrospect, I was ignorant to put myself in any other parent’s shoes and just assume I was correct. While some incidents of public parental behavior are obvious as to which spectrum of good/bad they should fall (kind words calming an angry child/acting like Jenny’s dad from Forrest Gump), others are just something you really can’t understand and shouldn’t judge until you’ve been in this shoes after reproducing.
Plain and simple, I used to mentally trash parents who’d use the “kid leash” as I’ll call it. The attachment at the wrist or stuffed animal backpack with a protruding leash; either way I thought it was dumb and massively overprotective. “Cut the cord” I thought, like a complete jackass.
Five years or so later and I’m a different man. A wiser man. Maybe not as much wiser as I am just weary. Kids have all the energy in the world. Their parents? Not so much. Plus, as I mentioned on the latest episode of The DadGum Podcast, when discussing our impending trip to Disney World, I’m not always the sharpest or most focused guy out there. For these reasons, and many others, the kid leash now makes sense to me.
First and foremost, I’m not out here advocating to use one like you’re calf wrangling. If you’re using the stretchy cord attachment to constantly pull your child towards you because they keep taking off, that’s a whole other issue. I’m just in favor of simply adding a safety net that’s really not hurting anyone.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching too much Investigation Discovery channel or too much nightly news where they just report the worst shit of all-time, but getting your kid swiped at a theme park is a top fear for me. Keeping track of your kid even in the confines of your house is tough sometimes; they’re sneaky little shits. Now, making sure you have an eye on them 24/7 in one of the busiest environments you’ll ever be in together is an even greater challenge. Having that connection at the wrist might look a little “Wow what a helicopter parent,” but I’d rather be a helicopter dad than a lost my kid at Disney dad.
Obviously, that’s your job as a parent: keeping an eye on your child. But if it was easy, we’d never lose a kid. Distractions happen, and split-second turns of the head at the wrong time happen. While I may have judged back in the day, now that I’m actually on the field in the game of parenting, I’m not going to trash playing it really safe.
A lost child is pure hell; I thought I lost my kid for 3-5 minutes at a bouncy house place one time and it was no joke one of the most horrifying things I’ve endured (he was in the castle I originally believed him to be in, he was just hiding at the top like a little fucker). That small bouncy house place is child’s play (No pun intended) when it compares to Disney World, which from my youthful recollections I believe is the busiest establishment on the planet. If I’ve got something to make sure he’s not going anywhere without me knowing about it, it’ll make navigating the park a whole lot easier.
I’m excited as hell to watch my kid experience Disney (I’m not excited to listen to “It’s A Small World” & have it stuck in my head for a half-decade). But I obviously have some major apprehension and worry, because that’s just my parenting style. I’m a noted worrier (When my son was younger I’d wake up multiple times a night just to go into his room and make sure he was breathing; complete psycho shit). So truth be told, the child leash is right up my alley.
I wouldn’t fault anyone who’s not about it; the child leash is definitely a ridiculous look. That being said, once you’ve embraced #DadLife, you’ve pretty much embraced the fact that you’ll look stupid for years. I’ll take peace of mind and looking stupid any day of the week, at least when I’m at a crowded ass theme park. .
For more on child leashes, as well as trampoline parks, #DadGolf hats, & all things #DadLife, check out the latest episode of The DadGum Podcast:
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
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If you lose him at Disney World, you might as well pack it up and text his mom she no longer has a son. Once Disney gets him, she’s not letting go.
Heard a rumor that’s where they get the people who wear the Mickey and Goofy costumes…from the lost children.
They turn them into the “Its a small world” animatronics.
My first Disney memory was being momentarily lost because I followed another lady who was wearing the same pants as my mom. Luckily when I pulled on those pants to point something out she was nice and found my parents. 90’s mom jeans all look the same.
And 20 years later you find yourself still pulling at those 90s mom jeans (albeit for different reasons.)
Kids are constantly trying to kill themselves and are often less responsive to you calling their name than a well-trained dog. I fully support kid leashes.
Just bought one for Europe. I’m not about to try to wrangle the kid while looking at the Sistine Chapel.
Very grateful that I was a latch key kid instead of a kid leash child.
Do latch key kids even exist anymore? Whatever happened to letting siblings and tv raise young people? Most of us turned out fine.
Letting your kid be a “latch key kid” is a good way to get CPS called on you until they’re at least 10 nowadays, unfortunately.
If there is ever a place for kid leashes, Disney is 100000% it. Their lost child procedure is top notch (source: a very rambunctious tiny cousin) but getting rid of the worry of having to constantly watch their every move especially post fireworks and shit is so worth it.
Counterpoint: Weak move.
I had a drunk friend who would habitually black out each time we went out and wander away from us. After we found him face down in a ditch, thankfully alive, we started strapping one of these bad boys on him whenever he was reaching black out stage. Worked like a charm.
I’m the oldest of 4 kids, I’ve been a nanny, au pair, daycare program facilitator and baby-sat well into my late 20s, honestly not a blanket statement but some children 100% require a leash, my sister was one of them and it maybe shouldn’t be a go-to parenting move anytime you’re out, but the ones who are on a leash are there for a reason, they’re either a little shit or you’re in a place where its necessary. Once my sister was old enough to walk quickly I’ve been team leash.
Plus people who judge other peoples parenting (short of like, actual abuse or something that’s legit gonna cause the need for therapy) can go kick rocks.
They say during the 1st year of a baby’s life you are just trying to keep them alive, after that you are just trying to keep them from killing themselves