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Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
I was out sick last week so Dave pinch hit for me, and judging by the reactions from some of you, he hit one off the scoreboard. Good! Same team! You guys act as if I’d let someone take over for me who wasn’t going to do what he did.
Anyway, let’s get to it.
Hi Dillion,
What are your thoughts on a girl asking a guy on a date? There’s this boy I’ve been seeing every Sunday at church. He’s definitely checked me out, and I’ve definitely checked him out. However, conversation has been limited (we’ve spoken exactly one time, and it was only exchanging pleasantries)…because it’s hard to flirt at church, especially Catholic church where things are very structured. I’m thinking of shooting my shot and asking him on a date this coming Sunday. Is that the move?
Ab. So. Freaking. Lutely.
Girls, it’s a new era. You can do this now. Traditional gender roles are fading away and girls are out here doing their damn things. If you want to go out with a guy, you can’t be sure he’s going to take the initiative and make it happen, so shoot your shot.
It’s more common than you might think, too. I’ve been asked out by a few different young ladies in the past year. I thought that shit was hot, and I usually said yes. Everyone knows confidence is sexy, and approaching someone to ask them out takes a confident woman.
Sup Dillon,
First time long time you know the deal. Love the series. Never thought I’d be writing in with a problem but here I am. I’m sure this is a common dilema so I’d love some feedback in the comments.
Some backstory: me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 6 months. It’s been going really great and I’m crazy about the girl. It’s like semi-long distance (about and hour and a half away) so we usually see each other almost every weekend.
This past weekend, I’m out with some friends for a birthday party. Hit bar 1 and one of the kids friends who I just met is flirting with me. She’s cute and it’s innocent so I reciprocate. We buy each other drinks throughout the night. Next place is a club and we’re both shit faced so we start dancing. Shes a really good dancer, which makes it even more fun. Eventually we start making out on the dance floor. She’s also a damn good kisser so i don’t stop. Nothing too crazy though.
Most people are from out of town so we are at the house where everyone is staying after, and before I leave I run into her again, we talk a little, then kiss again and say goodnight before I Uber back to my place alone.
My question: is this cheating? There was no emotion and it was strictly for fun and clearly this girl was on that same page. I like dancing and flirting in a non emotional way and I can’t decide if this went too far. Please help.
Yeah, man. You cheated.
I do believe, however, that there are different degrees of cheating. The most felonious level of cheating is, of course, fellatio/cunnilingus. That’s death row/life in the clink type of stuff. Sexual intercourse is the second worse cheating offense. Then it scales back from there. I think kissing is more of a Class A misdemeanor on the cheating spectrum. It’s cheating, but if dealt with the right way, you can overcome it.
You kept going back at it. Not good. It wasn’t a one-time peck on the lips kind of mistake. You were making out all over town, man. Mouths were open. Tongues were out. Spit was swapped. That’s pretty intimate for clothes-on stuff.
This actually brings to light a pretty interesting discussion on the degrees of cheating. According to Vincent Vega, giving a girl a foot massage is “the same fucking ballpark” as going down on her, because of the intimacy factor in putting your hands on anther person’s bare feet.
Would you rather your significant other cheat by making out with someone else or by massaging their feet? It’s not the easiest answer, is it? The intimacy spectrum is an interesting one with probably many varying opinions. But yeah, dawg, you cheated.
Hey Dillon,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years and we’re in the earlier years of our mid 20s. We live together, have a dog, and plan on moving to a different state when our current lease is up. All signs of long term commitment, right? But we have never discussed getting engaged or marriage. Is there a non-crazy way to bring it up and have that talk? I don’t want him to feel pressured, I’m just wondering how he feels on it because ideally I’d like to be engaged before 25.
Thanks!
I find it SHOCKING and borderline unbelievable that you two have never discussed marriage after being a couple for a few YEARS. And you live together and have a dog together? I don’t see how that’s possible.
Since this conversation is well overdue, it should be a very easy topic to bring up. It’s such a natural progression that a future engagement is basically implied at this point, so make it un-implied by bringing it up.
P.S. Why the hurry to get engaged? 25 is so young. I promise. It’s sooooo young. Engaged at 24 sounds so reckless to me at this point in my life. Of course, I’m somewhat jaded.
What’s up, Dilll?
So I seem to have a major issue that I didn’t foresee occurring in my younger (read: much more sexually uninhibited) years.
You see, I grew up with a solid pack of friends; mostly dudes, but I’ve also never been one of those “girls suck and I’m only hanging out with dudes because I hate drama” kind of girls, either. I mean, I was in a sorority for Christ sake. I also ran with a pack of dudes in college who I love to death.
Anyway, in the 10ish years I’ve been sexually active, the “friends hookups” have happened with many of these guys.
You know, the one in high school who took my virginity while “Remember the Titans” played in the background and I bled all over his couch, but was mostly glad to no longer be a 17-nearly-18 year old virgin anymore.
Or the kind where you go as their date to a cuffs & fifths party & end up each drinking your own separate fifth & then waking up in their loft, attempting to get down before you puke, only to never speak of the hookup again type of deal.
Or finally, the friend you roll some molly with & decide that it’d be wrong NOT to find out if the sex on it is as great as everyone says (FYI: it’s not).
Anyway, my problem is that these dudes seem to find it necessary to tell their now-fiancés about our one (to occasionally few, but it was years ago) rendezvous. I’d get it if I were some random girl, but I’ve known these guys for years. Many for over 20 years, the college ones for at least 8 or 9.
So suddenly, all of my friends’ bridezilla fiancés are putting my name on the “do not invite” list, even to my friends’ declarations that we’ve never been a “thing.”
Shit, it even happened with one couple because the fiancé found a pic of me in my bra and panties on his old iPhone 3 or 4 that she had to use like a peasant when she broke her new 7. We never even physically hooked up!
I’m talking at least 6 weddings this wedding season that I’ve purposefully been not invited to (per reliable sources, I swear I’m not just being paranoid). It also has nothing to do with space/number issues, as literally all of my friends have been given +1s with the stipulation that I not be the said +1.
Am I just simply doomed to be that girl always wearing the scarlet A and never invited to my guy friends’ weddings? Or is this only because I’m serially single and seen as a threat? Or am I just not as close with my friends as I thought?
Thanks D
You’re getting iced out. Pretty shitty. And if you’re portraying this entire situation accurately, it’s unfair and it’s unjustified. My hunch tells me — and this is just a hunch — that you’re not telling the story exactly how it is. I feel like you’re omitting some pretty key points, or anecdotes, that would depict you in a more negative light. I hope I’m wrong.
If there are six weddings coming up that you’d otherwise be invited to but you aren’t because of past, harmless hookups, as you say, that means people are talking. People have come together to put a plan together to ice your ass OUT. It’s also entirely possible they aren’t as close to you as you think, but six weddings tells me there are some backchannel dealings and they don’t want you around for some reason.
Find a confidant who has an in with these people and find out what’s going on here. Get to the bottom of it. The truth, while sometimes shitty, will set you free.
Hey Dorn,
Long time listener of Touching Base, and reader of PGP, from Seattle, WA, and first time emailing for some input.
I’m getting married in May 2018, and naturally the most important thing to happen before that date in my bachelor party. I put the trip in the hands of my close knit friend group (I actually didn’t really have much of a choice), and they decided that we are going to make the trek to Austin for St. Patty’s day, because it’ll be “Austin 3:16”. On top of that, it’ll be the first weekend of March Madness (a third of us went to Gonzaga so basketball is obviously huge to us). It seemed like the perfect time for 15 of us to make the trip, but then one of my buddies made the connection that it is also SXSW while were there. Fuck.
We’re staying in a house on North Lake Travis/Colorado River in Jonestown, so we aren’t going to me smack dab in the middle of the mayhem, but we absolutely want to spend our nights at the bars in Austin, so we’re thinking the big crowds are unavoidable. Any suggestions on where to make sure we go, or ways to avoid/beat the big crowds from the festival? Or any suggestions of places to check out to avoid the crowds? Cedar Park is right by us, but on first glance it doesn’t look like the kind of scene we are looking for. We are all between 30-40 years old, and don’t need the club scene, but we’re big on sports bars for hoops, and chill, but legit, bars to get Avion-one in the evening.
Any input is much appreciated!
If you wanted to hit the Austin bar scene, you picked a pretty terrible location to stay. I didn’t know where Jonestown is so I looked it up. You’re a 40-45 minute drive from the bar district, hombre. Cedar Park? El oh el. Nothing there for you.
I’m thinking you’re renting a boat or some shit and hitting the lake, and that’s why you’re staying way the hell out there? Shit I hope so. If not, cancel your rezzy right now and stay somewhere closer to town.
If you do make the trek into town, I recommend you simply embrace the madness that is SXSW. It can get pretty chaotic but if you want to be anywhere fun, we’re talking crowds. Just get in there, man.
P.S. It’s actually spelled St. Paddy’s* Day.
Yo Dillon,
So a while back I was the basic guy on tinder and ends up talking to some girl we hung a bit and I’ve taken her out in a few dates. We aren’t official or anything but we don’t talk to other people. My question is what are the thoughts on dating someone you met from tinder? The girl is chill and nice but it also just feels weird telling people I met her on tinder and having them instantly judge us. Lemme know your thoughts, thanks boss.
I was out with a girl I met on Bumble earlier this year when a good friend walked up to say hi. I introduced them and we were sitting there talking for a few minutes when he asked a question I didn’t know how to answer: “So how did you two meet?”
I was frozen. I looked at her for help and she shot back a stare/eyebrow raise combo that said “You better answer this one correctly or I will actually end your life right here and now in front of all these people.”
I didn’t give him the right answer. “We uhhhhh actually met on Bumble,” I said. It didn’t feel right, though. We talked for a few more minutes until he walked away, then it was my ass. I was supposed to lie in that instance, and she let me know that pretty emphatically. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” she said, before explaining that I could have made up anything. She’d rather I say she was bagging my groceries when we struck up a convo over saying we met on Bumble.
So, for some people, it matters. I do think the stigma of using an app is fading by the day, however. So many people are using dating apps these days that it’s becoming less embarrassing to admit.
I think one of these is a safe answer: A) we met at a bar, or B) she’s a friend of a friend..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
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Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
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RogerJDorn
If you have to ask ‘is it cheating’ it probably is
Thought this exact thing when I read the title
Same with trying to justify it at the end. “Only” kissing, “strictly for fun,” “no emotion,” etc.
I presume you feel bad about it, but now you’re just lying to yourself in addition to her.
Sooooo I’m still stuck on the fact this guy isn’t sure if making out with a girl all night is cheating…..do guys seriously think this is a “common dilemma”??!
I can’t speak for all guys, but to me that is clear-cut cheating. I agree with Dillon that there are different levels, but the guy cheated and needs to fess up. If she dumps his ass, so be it.
I would like to listen to him explain the “strictly for fun” part to his girlfriend
Once had a SO who thought texting someone of the other gender that was not them constituted as cheating. Anything physical has to be classified as cheating.
His question was fueled by desire to somehow justify it in his own head. Surely he knew deep down that making out with someone is cheating. Hell, idk.
There is literally no shame in telling someone you met on Bumble/Tinder.. It’s pretty freaking normal at this point
Now meeting in the PGP comment section, well, you better lie your ass off.
Yeah if you met in the PGP comment section just lie and say it was bumble
well this just goes back to the “any app is a dating app if you’re a closer” mentality
Agreed, but I’ve also just said “We met at [insert first date location]”. It’s technically correct, which is the best kind of correct.
I don’t get the stigma in telling someone you met online. It’s 2017. It’s how things are done. This is coming from someone who is currently dating a girl he met on Bumble and has not hesitated once in telling people that fact.
My fiance and I met on Spring Break in Myrtle Beach. I think that’s more incriminating than meeting on a dating app.
Can confirm. It’s called dirty Myrtle for a reason. On another note, met my gf of 3 years on Smileback. We both only matched with one person and deleted it. Makes for a good story.
Ex* dammit need an edit button
I’m absolutely using the “she was bagger at the grocery store” line if I’m ever in that situation. Hysterical.
Easiest way to determine what’s cheating/inappropriate behavior: would you be upset if your SO did the same thing with someone else?
The Golden Rule is still one of the best rules.
The right answer for saying how you met is “craigslist.” Offer 0 details afterwards, except maybe a wink if they press for details.
Missed Connections. 😉
I can’t believe that dude made it this far in life and still doesn’t realize what constitutes cheating and what doesn’t. It actually explains a lot when you look at humanity from an outside viewpoint and with that, let’s just end it now. We tried. We failed. The experiment did okay but it didn’t reach the hypothesis. Can’t wait for the next 5 years to shake out lol
“And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.”
Call me crazy but wanting to be engaged at a specific age sounds insane. Just let it happen naturally and don’t worry the exact time at which you want to get engaged. 25 is so damn young. Just my opinion though
I agree. Some of my friends got married at 24-25. I’m 25 and super single and in no rush to get married.
If someone is so intent on being married by __ age, I’d be worried they’ll settle for someone they’re not meant for just because they simply want to be married
And that’s why I’m single now… “I want to be engaged by this age, married for a few years, then kids”. She was 31 though…
You’re like a brother to me Dilly but I disagree with you and your date’s stance on bumble/tinder meeting. A few years ago, yeah meeting online or through an app was laughable but now days it’s so common I think it should be an accepted way of meeting just as much as “at a bar” or “through a friend” is.
Catholic girl – non practicing Catholic here. Do young people still go to mass? Like, can I meet a “nice” girl there? And, it is totally the move for a girl to ask a guy out – it’s 2017 and a sign of confidence which is hot to me.
Bro – you cheated and should tell your gf, if you give 2 shits about her.
You guys are basically married. Bring it up.
Yikes, you gotta get on the inside and find out what’s going on. Tread lightly.
Your boys got some planning to do.
No one *should* care. Screw ’em if they do.
I am qualified to answer-I am a practicing Catholic. Yes quite a few young adults go to mass. In the past 5 years, I have asked out numerous girls after mass (or at other Catholic functions) and it is a good place to meet “nice” girls. It is easy to say hello as you are walking out. Also, in my parish, the young adults often go to a bar to grab drinks after Sunday evening mass.
Seriously??!! Might have to go back, if I can find a liberal Catholic church.
A word of advice-You will have better luck if you go to a Sunday evening (~5pm) mass. Most Sunday morning masses are not well attended by anyone under the age of 50. If you want a liberal Catholic Church find a Jesuit parish (the one near me is has like a pro-immigration group and Catholic gays group etc).
The young adult groups in general are very friendly and actively try to hold fun activities for people in their 20s. I don’t do many of the really religious activities but the social activities are all really fun. A lot of the girls I met were new to the city and didn’t know anyone and were actively trying to meet people.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! *searches Sunday evening mass nearby*
I agree on the Sunday night mass. Definitely check out the church’s social page, I think Cruella is right and most of the 20’s groups like to get together–they normally have it posted.