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My youngest brother went away to college on Wednesday. The day came faster than we expected it to, and it left a lot of us in a whirlwind. Where does the time go? It feels like just yesterday that this kid was nervous about trying out for his middle school basketball team and, all of the sudden, he’s all bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to start the next chapter of his life.
It’s kind of poetic, if you think about it. He’s about to start up on the best years of his life, and I’m slowly starting to realize that, well, this is kind of it for me. Sure, there will be vacations and amazing nights and weddings and life changing events, but at the end of the day, I’m working from here on out. There are bills to be paid and responsibilities to be had. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but swallow it you must.
I still remember how I felt when I first moved into my dorm. It was like anything was possible, like I could conquer the world. That’s not to say that my outlook on the world is cynical or depressed now, just more realistic. If I plan on having a worry-free lifestyle when I get older, I’m going to have to make some sacrifices now.
But what if I didn’t? It’s a question I think about sometimes when I’m on my way to work. It’s not that I don’t like my job, I just wonder how the other side. And when I do think about this, these are the jobs I consider pursuing.
Owner and chef of a bougie, yet simple, restaurant.
For some reason or another, all the trendy restaurants in Chicago right now consist of some kind of food your mom made for you as a kid, combined with either craft cocktails or craft beer. For example, reviews will say things like, “Your Name Here is Charlie’s new restaurant where you can get Asian fusion hot dogs and they also have 45 different beers on tap.” Ridiculous? Yes. But it would also be ridiculously fun.
Speedboat rental guy on a lake in Northern Michigan.
When I was growing up, my family would spend a week every summer on the same lake up in the northern part of the lower peninsula of Michigan. We’d go the same week, in the same cabin, with the same neighbors, every year. And every year, we would rent a boat (we didn’t own one because, honestly, we wouldn’t have used it). I’ll tell you, the guys that worked the docks up there were always chill as fuck. Sure, maybe they were high all the time, but at that point who cares? All you’re doing is helping some vacationers have a dope time on a lake. I’m about it.
Hemingway-esque novelist.
Post-war, this motherfucker went to Cuba, consistently smoked cigars and drank, went on a shit load of adventures, and won a god damn Nobel Prize. At this point in time, I’m pretty sure I’m capable of three of those things. I’ll let you figure out which ones.
Whatever the hell Xander Cage was.
Stunt man? Extreme sports athlete? Criminal? I’ve never been sure what this guy’s job was. At some point someone offered him a videogame deal, though, so he must have been pretty dope. Point is, Xander Cage (of XXX fame) was consistently a bad ass, whether he was stealing Corvettes or literally using a silver platter as a skateboard. I can’t do a lot of that stuff now, but I can snowboard. If you give me 6 months of completely uninterrupted training time, I’m willing to bet I’d be enough of an adrenaline junkie to pull that shit off too.
Socialite.
Truth be told, I don’t know how I would get to this level. I’m sure I would have to come into money at some point, or maybe just get really good at Instagram. Either way, I think I would kill it as a socialite. Go Dan Humphrey on these suckers. Give them all a case of the real real. Sure, I would dress better, maybe own some dress clothes or a suit, but I would dress down every occasion I attended. It would be magnificent, a lifetime of making people frustrated by slouching into important social situations and being better liked than them.
What a life it would be. .
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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One of my buddies from college is the Wildlife Manager of a billionaire’s ranch in Texas. Pretty sweet gig if you ask me.
My dad is the Wildlife Manager for a billionaire (not in Texas)! Very niche job, you’re the only other person I’ve heard who knows someone doing it. He loves the outdoor parts, but not the politicking parts that can come with working for someone that influential.
Sounds like your dad works for my dad
That’s frat as fuck!
Says the GDI who couldn’t get into any fraternity so he spent four years playing dungeons and dragons with his cargo short wearing fat fuck friends
Dungeons and Dragons is fun as fuck man. You should play sometime.
You’re going to have a tough time after high school
I’m 27.
That’s was for vag. Just lined up under you for some reason
A 27 year old virgin. Keep it up you’re two-thirds of the way to having a movie made about you
That’s so sweet, I’d love a movie made about me!
Dude you just fucking suck. Go away.
Maybe so! Your dad must be so proud.
My dad said your dad is a lazy fuck who drinks on the job
My dad said your dad has butt sex with other dads while you film.
How much do I owe you for the real estate that I occupy in your head?
Can confirm, is a very sweet gig depending on the owner.
Captain of a Caribbean booze cruise catamaran.
One of my primary role models is the older Swedish boat captain who took me out on his catamaran in the Caymans, with his crew that consisted of both of his wives.
A real life Capt. Ron
A real life Capt. Stupidity
Still too much stress wrangling idiots. Would be better off renting jet skis and washing your hands of the babysitting.
But then you’re just standing on the dock all day instead of out on the water wearing an unbuttoned Hawaiian, swim trunks, and dark glasses so your all-23y/o-female crew doesn’t know you’re ogling them (hat tip to St. John’s Kekoa).
I’d rather chill on a beach than babysit/creep on drunk 23-year-old girls soberly.
Who says you have to be sober?
Probably his boss or whatever the FAA equivalent for boats is.
Caribbean, brah. There are no laws there.
“the police”
Bartender at a small beach bar somewhere tropical.
My dad’s friend left his boring corporate Midwest job to open up a bait shop on Florida’s Gulf coast. He’s living my dream.
Sup?
If he needs an in house bartender, let me know. “Bait and Brews” could be the next big thing.
Awesome. Extra points if the name of it is a masturbation joke.
House sitter in a wealthy neighborhood would be ideal
i think I’d have to go with being a sommelier.
That’s patently absurd.
My friend is doing this. Can confirm his job is dope.
High stakes blackjack dealer in either Vegas or Macau. Bartender in the Caribbean or Monte Carlo.
This was my dream after seeing Bond tip the dealer $500K at the end of the game.
my billionaire father gives me $500k in my Christmas stocking every year. Your totally pathetic life that revolves around totally unobtainable fantasies must totally suck
Is that why you spend so much time on the Internet?
Boat bookstore owner. One day.
A bookstore with nothing but books about boats or a bookstore that is located on a boat?
A bookstore on a boat. Sail around, meet new people, spread literature. It would be a chill life.
Sup you gonna have any Thomas Wolfe or Pablo Neruda on there?
Goosebumps only.
Gotta have Animorphs to though
Why don’t you just post a comment that says “I am a total goober”
Oh definitely some classics. But I’ll mix it up with Stephen king, dan brown, some Nancy drew because why the fuck not?
And Calvin and Hobbs
Nancy Drew fucks.
This floating bookstore idea is the most pathetic fantasy I have ever encountered
I feel like your posts are what Jian Yang from Silicone Valley would consider “burns”
If you do that I will swim out to check it out and write glowing reviews on Kelp
Professional battle tube boat driver. Rock some people. Maybe even start a battle tube professional league and get it broadcasted on The Ocho.
My dream is to man the outside bar / casual grille at my in-law’s country club (and be a member, obviously). Dude does nothing but watch sports, grill up burgers and dogs, mix boat drinks in the blender, and shoot the shit with the Dads while the little ones jump off the diving board.
That’s right keep those aspirations high. You’ll really make something of yourself someday
Brewery owner.