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A really good game of pickup basketball is hard to come by. On Saturday mornings I like to go to a court near my apartment and play if I’m not violently hungover. It’s 5 on 5 up to 11 points and winner stays while the people who arrive late are forced to form teams.
There are, on any given Saturday, two or three guys who have the athletic ability to dunk a basketball. These are generally guys who played a little college ball and play the duration of the games in the post because they’re bigger, stronger, and taller than everyone else.
Then you have the middle-of-the-road guys like myself. I was never a great high school basketball player but I can hold my own on the court. I’m not the strongest or the fastest. I’ve got a decent handle, weirdly long arms that I never quite grew into, and a jump shot that is reliable within ten feet of the hoop. Intermediate level is where I fit in, and it’s where most people would be plopped into that show up to play.
What you want to look for in a good pickup basketball teammate is a guy who is well rounded. He didn’t concentrate on any one particular sport and isn’t under the impression that he’s a great player.
A good pickup teammate can dribble. He can set a pick. He can create his own shot. He doesn’t need to be Michael Jordan. A solid pickup player has the fundamentals down and is more of a Tony Kukoc type guy. Jason Terry. Derek Fisher. Nothing more, nothing less. But that’s not why I’m writing this column.
I’m writing this because there are always a few guys who show up to play pickup basketball on Saturday mornings across the country that simply don’t belong. Outside of intramural games in college or postgrad life, these guys have never played organized ball in their lives.
They make careless turnovers. They shoot wildly inappropriate three point shots that James Harden would probably think twice about shooting. They are, in short, what CrossFit nation categorizes as NARPs, or Non-Athletic Regular Person (which is ironic because CrossFit people are actually included in this short list of people who you definitely do not want to invite or have play on your pickup basketball team). Make sure that none of the following are playing on your team on Saturdays.
Former Hockey Players
I have a lot of respect for hockey players. NHL hockey has the best trash talk of any professional sport, hands down. NHL playoffs are heart attack inducing, frenetic fun. But not many guys make it to the NHL. The guys I don’t really care for are the people who played high school hockey, play in a beer league now, and think they’re fucking Phil Kessel. Those guys suck.
The guys that played h.s. hockey are generally referred to as “benders” by guys who were too good to play high school hockey. They have bad ankles, can’t skate backwards very well, and have no hands.
Unfortunately for me and many others who enjoy playing pickup ball, there’s usually a couple former high school hockey guys who think they can hang. They can’t. I don’t know what it is about hockey players, but they’re generally VERY unathletic when you get them off of their ice skates. They run like ducks and their shooting form is atrocious. Why they insist on showing up to my pickup basketball games and ruining my chances of winning are beyond me. They’re bad at basketball though and you definitely don’t want any of them on your squad if you can help it.
Weightlifters
No, I’m not talking about the guy who hits the gym three or four times a week to just stay in shape. That’s basically everyone after college if they care about their beach bod. I’m talking about the guys who do shit loads of supplements, work out every single day, and do meal prep on Sundays that usually just consists of a veggie and a chicken breast for every day of the week.
Sometimes they’ll be CrossFit people (who are actually their own breed of douchebag) but most of the time they’re just guys who never played a sport and act like they’re good athletes because they can lift weights.They think they can ball. They act like they can ball and worst of all, they tell you that they can ball.
These are the guys who wear tank tops to the bar to show off their traps. His name is usually something like Brock and this guy sucks at basketball. He can hardly lift the ball over his head because his overly muscular neck prevents him from doing so and everytime he misses a shot he says something along the lines of “My bad, bro, I just did arms before I came here and my shots all fucked up.” No it’s not, Brock. You’re just bad.
Former Soccer Players
Where to begin with the soccer guys. I guess the nice thing about having a soccer guy on your basketball team is that you know they’ll be able to run the length of the court without getting winded. Those guys have great endurance. Outside of that, they’re pretty much worthless.
Because they’ve spent their formative years dodging contact soccer guys won’t go for rebounds. They aren’t willing to hustle for a ball headed towards the out of bounds line. Simply put? They don’t have the wherewithal to play basketball.
They’re good for at least four or five airballs from the three point line and a few missed layups when they inevitably decide to cherry pick on a few possessions. These guys don’t suck because they’re un-athletic, they suck because they’re ignorant. They don’t know any better. It’s actually kind of cute if it weren’t so sad, but in any case, soccer players can kick rocks. I don’t want you on my team because it’s basically like playing one man down.
Your buddy from the office who says he can play
This guy has good intentions when he tells you that he wants to come with you to play basketball in a few days time. He’s funny, he talks sports with you in an intelligent manner at the water cooler, and seems to have his head on straight. But this is all a ploy to get that coveted invite to Saturday morning basketball.
This guy spent high school running cross country or playing hackey sack in the parking lot during class. He told you he could play because he probably just moved to town and is lonely. While it’s nice to invite this guy along, you’re not going to be doing your team any favors by letting this guy get P.T.
Much like the soccer guy, he simply doesn’t know how bad he is. He’ll pull up for a contested fifteen footer and think “Eh, I’ll make it next time.” But he doesn’t make it next time. His shooting percentage for a game to 11 will be precisely 0 and the rest of your team is going to blame you if you guys lose for inviting this guy. Just don’t do it.
Keep your invitations to guys who have a track record of playing a little basketball, and if you can’t do that than I would suggest taking a weightlifter. They’re the least shitty of the people mentioned and at the very least they’ll be a body down low. .
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Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Aren’t you like 5’7″?
I’m sure he gets his “reliable jumper within 10 feet” off plenty against the lollipop guild in munchkinland though
What’s wrong with being 5’7″?
I’ll tell you when you’re older.
You’re easier to kidnap.
Nothing. It’s the perfect height.
You know who is also 5’7”? Tom Motherfucking Cruise.
6′ on the nose. Still usually one of the shortest dudes that shows up to play every week it sucks
You seem like a guy who would be about 5’7″.
Isaiah Thomas has changed the game though
“Guy Who Calls A Foul Every Time He Has The Ball” and “Guy Who Takes Game Too Seriously” are so much worse than most of these.
You forgot Guy Who Wants To Run Plays But Nobody Has A Damn Clue What They Are Talking About
Sometimes i’ll bring the ball up and put a 2 in the air just because it looks cool, I honestly have no idea what it means
….I was joking……
Fuck it
Also: ‘Guy Who Wants to Play 5v5 Halfcourt’
‘Guy Who Brought Girlfriend to Watch and Tries to Impress But Sucks’
‘Guy Who Thinks He Plays on And-1 Tour So Keeps Trying Weird Dribble Moves’
Don’t forget about “Constant hard foul guy” who can’t just let you have that open lay-in without checking you into the pads.
I play with a guy like this who has combined the two. Truly awful.
The best pick up players know their role. If you suck, then play good defense, rebound, and don’t shoot. Not everyone can be Kobe
I quit my work league, because being this guy got old. They need more 5’10 white guy leagues.
I will lead everyone in rebounding all day and play moderately good defense 3/4s of the time (when I’m not doubled over sucking wind) but 2X a game or so I just gotta fire up a heat check 3 or take off on a 1 on 3 fast break just to keep it interesting… wildcard!
This is where I slot myself in. I’m 6’5/225lbs (humblebrag) and played all through high school. The minimal offensive skills I had back then are definitely not there now so I put all my efforts to setting screens, defense, and rebounding while trying not to cough up a lung running up and down the court.
You gotta mention the former HS ball player who ball hogs and swears he’s good, but the reason he’s in the gym playing ball is because he couldn’t make his community college team because his shooting percentage and turnover ratio is abysmal.
Soccer players are they guys you love to have on your team but hate to play against. It’s like they’re gunning for defensive player of the year.
5. Will DeFries
Was just about to say. Shots fired.
I’ve been lapsing on my New Years resolution, and I took Lent to give him a break, but it’s Easter and I’ve risen from the dead, and so has my desire to cuck Will into the ground.
You ever seen a hockey player golf? Or hacky sack? Or ping pong?
We deserve better research for these hot takes you’re throwing at us, Johnny Boy
I saw a hockey player win a gold jacket the first year he went on tour. Crazy thing was, he didn’t even keep the money he won. Gave it to some old lady so she could keep her house. Heart warming story.
Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit
Hockey players make poor golfers. Almost as bad as baseball players. The swing planes are way too different. Anyone with decent knowledge of the golf swing can easily pick out hockey and baseball players after 3 swings with the driver.
I used to be deep into hockey and have played in 10+ charity tournaments with professional hockey players, I can say with 100% accuracy that 8/10 hockey guys were scratch golfers. The lack in swing similarity is completely made up for in hand eye coordination and body control. But it doesn’t really matter, have a blessed day
My wife played D1 softball. She broke 80 in less than 20 rounds….ever. Pretty fucking infuriating to someone like me who scrapped for years just to barely make walk-on status. Can’t underestimate hand-eye coord and controlling body movements that high level athletes possess.
She also has no idea how far she hits any of her irons and I have to club her every shot. Natural athletes can execute almost anything plus 90% of golf is mental.
I have just seen to many world class athletes who can’t even swing a golf club. Shaq, Barkley, Antetekumpo or however you spell his name, etc.
A while back the NFL took players and created offseason made for tv competitions where they played other sports. Almost all of them were good at bowling. Golf was fun to watch because most of them were absolutely terrible, except the QBs.
I know a lot of MLB pitchers are good golfers but that’s due to playing all the time.
You just named 3 NBA players who are very tall men usually not with clubs for very tall men.
Disagree. I was a baseball player, picked up golf in college, now about a 10 handicap. One of the best golfers I know was a high school baseball player. I can’t comment on hockey players though, it’s too hot for ice rinks where I’m from.
Kenny Perry was a former hockey player and he did pretty well for himself on the PGA tour
I feel like most ex-soccer guys are pretty good on the boards, used to fighting for position on corner kicks/set peices
It really is a bummer being terrible at basketball. My company joined a league where I’m basically forced to play because of lack of numbers – I can feel the judgement as I airball an uncontested 10 footer.
If you wrestled in high school, it’s in your DNA that you suck at basketball.