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Throughout my two-plus years of fatherhood, I’ve learned some of the tools of the trade. Parenting is a constant learning process, just like work, sex, or golf. Some of it comes naturally, but most of it you have to put the effort in and learn how to improve your craft.
Now I’m not at Hall of Fame levels or anything, but I’m doing alright (AKA my kid is still breathing and isn’t a huge asshole). I’ve admittedly taken a parenting class, and scoff all you want, but I think everyone should at least to see a different perspective from someone who’s devoted their entire life to studying parenting. Between that and a couple years of experience, I’ve learned some shit. Seeing as a majority of you reading this will eventually be a parent, here’s today’s free key:
Learn to fake enthusiasm.
Part of your job is simply to make them think you give a shit, especially when they’re little. Knowing how much you care will make them happy beyond words, usually because they aren’t that good at putting words together yet.
The other day I grabbed my trusty broom/dustpan combo to do battle with my kitchen floor. Like a bullet, my offspring raced to grab his miniature broom and help me, which he did with much gusto. Afterward, I enthusiastically told him how much I appreciated his help, and thank you. He beamed a smile that would melt even the blackest of hearts.
In reality, what I said in my head was, “Good God, kid, the object of sweeping isn’t to drive your broom through the middle of my pile like an asshole. If it weren’t for your constant fuckery, I could’ve finished in half the time.”
But kids just love to “help,” and it’s your job not to crush their spirit about it and to encourage. You’ve gotta dig deep like MJ in the flu game when you’re picking up what seems like 12 million Legos by letting your kid know how great this is to be cleaning. They need to know how important picking up after themselves is so they’ll have something to piss you the fuck off with when they’re teenagers.
This skill is also a necessity when it comes to the stuff your kid finds important. “Oh wow, what a great job coloring!” when they come show you their coloring book page that looks like a Michael J. Fox masterpiece. And even though this is about the millionth time you’ve seen them turn the key in the fake ignition of their stupid fake car and then pretend to drive, make sure they know how much you are enjoying watching that. They’ll love you for it.
Most of the time you won’t even need to put in the effort, as seeing your child enjoying something, however much of a pain in the ass to you or boring that it seems, makes it easy to get excited. Sweeping a floor with your bumbling offspring is an experience you’ll treasure; simply a precious moment. But there are those times when your patience has worn so damn thin and you just have to remind yourself to give that hearty smile and laugh. You might feel like it’s mundane and exhausting to continue to force yourself to be the jolliest person on the planet sometimes, but it’s worth it. Especially to the little one.
Once you’re engrossed in parenting life disinteresting things are going to be thrown at your face like a roided-out Jason Grimsley heater. You have to be ready to play ball. Tomorrow morning I’m going to nestle into my couch in the morning and wish like hell I could just throw on MLB Network. But no, my child will want to intently watch Curious George with me and will want us both to laugh at that dumbass monkey’s hijinks. And if it keeps my kid happy, I’ll fake like hell that I think old George is funny and not a menace to society who should be caged.
If you’ve got a parenting question, give me a shout in the comments or slide into my DMs on Twitter, and maybe I’ll write about it. .
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Crash can you Power Rank the best kids toys/shows?
Caillou is Satan in human form. It will make your ears bleed and hurt your soul. Don’t ever let your kids watch it.
Crash, how does one go about making/acquiring a little one so they can feel this joy?
I mean, do you want a diagram, or maybe a thesis over it?
A flip book will do.
Step 1
via GIPHY
Respect Crash. You seem like one hell of a dad.
Appreciate it man, just like every other parent I do my best.
I need to learn how to fake enthusiasm at my job.
This is the part of having a second or third kid that has always worried me. Like, I just don’t know how much enthusiasm I can have for the billionth drawing, shitty kindergarten play, or half-assed t-ball game.
That’s when the real joy of parenting begins. Because the things that you have always wanted to say or do to your kids half-assed attempt at making a sandcastle will be conveyed by the oldest until the younger gets it right. This is when you first start living through your children.
As an oldest child, this is 100% right
As always, this was gold – loved the mini-rant on Curious George.
I’d be curious to hear what kids movies/tv shows you think are the most entertaining/least obnoxious as an adult.
My votes: Paw Patrol and Octonauts aren’t bad, Doc McStuffins and Mickey Mouse Club are tolerable, and Daniel Tiger and Caillou are fucking pussy-ass bitches.
Fuck Caillou. That insufferable Canadian prick needs to man up.
‘Murica!
There’s also a cartoon monster truck named Blaze whose tagline is “let’s blaze” and I’m pretty sure we’re just being trolled by that one.
Could you provide more information about the show with the truck named Blaze that likes to blaze?
I have no idea what any of those are…but the names of at least a third of them made me laugh, so it’s off to a good start. Okay mostly it was Doc McStuffins – McDreamy and McSteamys childhood cartoon porn-star partner
Paw Patrol: cartoon problem-solving dog team. They’re cool, but the associated toys are expensive and chintzy as fuck.
Octonauts: cartoon marine biologists that explore and help sea creatures. Kinda fun, and the toys aren’t nearly as $$$ and crappy as Paw Patrol.
Doc McStuffins: Cartoon vet, but wholesome because she’s a female minority, I guess.
Mickey: If you don’t know this you’re a terrorist
Daniel Tiger/Cailou: Whiney little fucking bitches who go around whining and acting like pussies and crying a lot and generally acting in a way that will earn them a lot of swirlies in high school.
What’s play-doh taste like?
Salty.
I fake enthusiasm every day at work, I think I’m golden.