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I’m just sitting here at my desk with SportsCenter on in front of me while wearing joggers and a comfy-as-hell 100% Pima Cotton Brooks Brothers longsleeve pocket tee when I see the headline “The Best Jobs In America.”
“Surely blogger is #1 on this list,” I think to myself as I clicked into Glassdoor’s list while our new social media intern tells Dillon about how a “dad punched him in the face.” Everything was gravy in my world. But then I saw this.
1. Data Scientist
2. Tax Manager
3. Solutions Architect
4. Engagement Manager
5. Mobile Developer
6. HR Manager
7. Physician Assistant
8. Product Manager
9. Software Engineer
10. Audit Manager
What the fuck are these jobs? Data Scientist? Solutions Architect? Engagement Manager? You’ve gotta think these are purely made up positions where people just took general career words from different industries and put them together to form a position that just sounded official. Like I don’t even know what a “product manager” would do. “Here’s a product, go manage it.” Get outta here.
So I came up with my Top 10 Jobs In America list, and it goes as follows.
1. Blogger
2. Springer Spaniel Breeder
3. Professional Athlete
4. Flyfishing Guide
5. Golf Pro
6. Matthew McConaughey
7. The Dude That Sprays Smoke In Tunnels Before Football Games
8. Vice President of The United States of America
9. Harlem Globetrotter
10. Manitowoc County Prosecutor
Boom. Nailed it.
Are you telling me that a tax manager would rather manage taxes than spend a day on the river flyfishing? Or that a solutions architect would rather architect solutions as opposed to playing golf all day and sippin’ Arnie Palmies? Yeah. Right. This list is just classic Corporate America trying to tell you that you can’t spread your wings and fly. .
[via Glassdoor]
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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“HR Manager.” Fuck yourself, Glassdoor. The world doesn’t need anymore Sociology majors.
I’ve worked under a few HR Managers and I’ve been one myself at a couple companies. It should definitely be on the top 10 least desirable jobs – no HR Manager is happy about their station in life.
Oh the stories I could tell about the fucked up things you degenerates say and do.
So are you telling me I should not be getting my masters and start fishing? Because I’m down.
How is VP not higher? Spend your entire day napping in the Senate, and then jet set to foreign dinners as a “ceremonious representative.” Get paid to nap and eat.
Pro Golfer, US VP, and NFL Kicker round out my top three.
Tell that to Blair Walsh.
Google Machine tells me Walsh makes $3.25M. I’ll disappoint an entire city for that paycheck.
I will raise you a deep snapper. Blair Walsh gets hit twice a season. It is illegal to touch the deep snapper. Plus, everyone hates the kicker.
It’s illegal to hit the long snapper until he goes to cover a punt and gets blindsided by a linebacker
I don’t know if y’all watch football, but the snapper is getting hit on both field goals and punts
MLB relief pitcher would be great too. Learn 2 great pitches, make millions of dollars facing 1 to 3 batters a game as a specialist (left or righty), spend the rest of the time bull shitting in the bullpen.
That’s what I’m going to raise my kid to be if he plays football. You never realize how badly you need a long snapper until you don’t have one.
Backup NFL QB seems nice
They can always count on Trickle Down Banging
Maybe for the Patriots or Brett Favre, but not the Browns or Bills
Or the Colts this year. #WhoIsRyanLindley
A ten year plus, career backup quarterback is the American dream. That pension is key!
Chase Daniel has had the best career. Backup to Drew Brees and Alex Smith. Both guys rarely get hurt. Plus Chase got himself a ring 09.
I was a Solutions Architect at my previous job, and contrary to what this list says, it was completely fucking miserable.
Practice squad tackling dummy in the NFL still pays the league minimum of $450K a year if anyone is looking to better their life situation
Major League starting pitcher. You work once, maybe two days a week. The rest of the time you sit in a big league dugout, drinking Budweisers out of solo cups, watching baseball. You also get flown around the country to do this, and if you play for a norther based team, you escape the cold in mid February for Floria or Arizona.
Why not NFL punter?
Because I by far prefer baseball.
Baseball season is long as hell, and you get the shitty winter off. And you play 3-4 times a week. NFL season is shorter, you get most of the summer off, and you play 1x time a week.
The pitcher only pitches once a week, and warms up in the bullpen once a week. Team typically plays 6 times a week. So that’s four games per week of chilling in the dugout with a few free cold ones, watching America’s greatest game. As for the weather, a lot of these guys have homes down south, and if they don’t they head for Spring Training in February, with lodging, meals, and transportation paid for by the team. Worst case scenario you’re spending November, December, January up north. Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?
Currently sitting with my audit manager. She laughed pretty hard and told me I should’t expect anywhere near $95k when I make manager. Really questioning public accounting right now.
Seriously? Audit managers don’t clear $95k? GTFO and come to the corporate side, we have cookies, bonuses and bigger paychecks.
Oh yeah?! Well I have terrible hours, shitty clients, and absolutely no cookies. Thanks a lot, tax season.
Either you must not be in a big four or you live in a non major city but I’m pretty sure that’s an accurate number for managers (at least in Houston)
Data scientist is a cross between a statistician and analyst with the deliberate attempt to attract PhD grads who don’t want to work in academia. AKA my plan.
I’m pretty sure that I fell asleep halfway through that sentence.
Great example of why women should not be news anchors, Veronica. I’d still bang though if you’re interested in a lowly construction worker with a one bedroom condominium.
Neat