There are times I sit in my office cubicle and dream of either going back to school or straight up retiring. After much deliberation, I’ve decided that college and retirement are not only the best time periods in life, but are also insanely similar. Don’t get me wrong; I know that old age isn’t always super great and that your health tends to go south. But at this point, chillin’ in a mobile home in Florida sounds kind of ideal.
These are the reasons why I wish I could be either in college or retired forever.
1. You don’t need to work for a living.
Of course there are always exceptions, but for the majority of college students, their main job title is STUDENT. For those in retirement, their main job title is OLD PERSON. The rest of us probably need an actual title we can put on our LinkedIn profiles.
2. You can get wasted and no one cares.
When people see an insanely drunk college student, they say, “Oh he/she is in college, they’ll grow out of it.” When old people get drunk, everyone says, “Leave Gramps/Granny alone, they’ve felt the burden of life and deserve this.” The rest of us are unfairly expected to keep our shit together.
3. You can hang weird wall art in your home.
In college, if you had posters of naked girls, Justin Bieber, Snoop Dogg (Lion?) or nothing at all, it was totally normal. After a year or two go by, it’s time to class it up a bit. By the time you’re 30, it’s time to class it up a lot. But once you retire, all bets are off. Bring back the weird posters. Why? Because you’re old now! You don’t have kids that live with you and you no longer care how perfectly your house is decorated. You also get to add wall art that you see on infomercials like dogs playing poker or framed, embroidered pillowcases.
4. You can live with fun roommates.
Personally, I had the time of my life living with six girls my junior year of college. So many fun activities! So many parties! So many naked pillow fights! Imagine how great it will be to retire, move into a nursing home and have roommates again. So many games of checkers! So many pairs of dentures! So much bingo!
5. You get to travel.
College is the perfect time to travel. Hopefully you were able to study or intern abroad, because it’s an awesome experience. If you didn’t, you have about a two-year window to escape real life and get some traveling in before you really need to start figuring things out or just be a nomad forever. Then comes the struggle. Traveling as much as you want is not exactly easy when you have real life responsibilities. Cue retirement – Hawaii with the 70 and up crowd, bus trips across the country, month long cruises around the world with endless buffets – pure bliss!
6. If you don’t feel like getting out of bed, you don’t have to.
If you didn’t have an assignment due in college and didn’t feel like going to class, you could just skip that shit! However, I’ve learned that skipping my full-time job whenever I want is frowned upon (so lame). After retirement, lying in bed all day is really all you’re expected to do anyway.
7. You can basically do whatever you want.
In college, you don’t know what you’re doing with your life. It’s time to make mistakes and do weird stuff. After marriage and kids (scary), life is no longer all about you. When you retire, you are the star of your own life. You can do anything you want! You raised three kids and you served in ‘Nam. Society owes you now. Spend those social security checks.