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It’s one thing for a shitty band to have shitty fans–sort of like seeing a line out of the door when the McRib comes back. These idiots deserve each other (by the way, I’m not saying I’ve never been in that line). What’s really unfortunate is when a truly talented band ends up attracting fans who don’t understand what the band is really about. Sure, it’s nice to have people like your music, but it’s not so nice when they’re assholes.
Radiohead makes great music, and Thom Yorke makes a great dickhead. A lot of Radiohead fans are mostly harmless. They’re slightly balding, former hipsters who now work in graphic design and drink tea instead of coffee. But those guys are soft spoken, and don’t really mind much if you don’t like their music. The problem is the people my age who got into Radiohead post-Radiohead’s relevance. They act like they’re the keepers of some sort of upper-tier music appreciation. They also listen to Interpol, Nick Drake, and Pavement at the same time, who are all phenomenal artists, but Radiohead is the head of this pretentious beast. These fucking kids don’t realize that these bands they think are their own special code between them and their insufferable friends were actually quite popular once. I’ll grant that this is likely more of a generational problem than a Radiohead problem, but when there’s a singular thread that connects something, sometimes you just have to pull on it.
Sublime is not reggae. Anyone who says they are is a part of the problem that I’m talking about. Sublime is a pop punk/surf rock band who wrote catchy hooks with a slight reggae inspiration. Drinking cheap beer with your buddies, traveling everywhere on a longboard, and giggling about your weirdly shaped Cheeto after a hefty bong rip does not make you spiritually enlightened. Take down your fucking Bob Marley poster, assholes. And if you don’t get that “sun with the face in the middle” tattoo removed someday, it’ll only be because you didn’t live long enough to realize you were a chode in your 20s.
3. Elvis Presley
I get it. Elvis captured an entire generation of people who weren’t used to dancing and gyrating their hips, and they were far too uptight to listen to “black music.” He’s got some great tunes, but it seems like everyone who loves Elvis literally revolves their entire lives around him. Posters covering their walls, owning the sunglasses, not listening to literally any other music–it gets ridiculous. Hell, I loved Christian Slater’s character in “True Romance,” but even his Elvis-mania wore on me a little bit. You guys just need to cool it. Take off the blue suede shoes and listen to some fucking Cyndi Lauper or something every now and then.
4. The Wiggles
Bunch of stupid kids running around at their concerts, all hopped up on juice and pudding cups. Fuck ‘em.
A lot of people hate Skrillex because they hate dubstep in general. That’s fine. In fact, a lot of people hate Skrillex because they love dubstep in general. The dude kind of can’t win. The biggest problem he has is that he took a genre that was underground, amped up certain musical tendencies within it, and made it palatable to the masses. Anyone who does that is just asking for a cultural bruisin’. The hardcore fans will hate you for selling out their music and the huge crowds that come to your shows are going to be largely made of up of shitty people. Dubstep listeners hate Skrillex fans for good reason. They have no respect for the genre–they just want to show up, roll some Molly, and suck an androgynous-looking guy off in the portable toilet. I hate them, too. It’s unfortunate for Skrillex, because the dude has real musical chops, and he’s basically stuck between a rock and a hard dick.
6. Dave Matthews Band
We’ve established my love for all things DMB. I’ve purchased every album to date in a physical record store, and I’ve been to a number of their concerts that I am not willing to share at this time. But I’ll be the first to admit that a good sized contingent of Dave fans are the fucking worst. What differentiates them from all the other shitty fans on this list is that there isn’t just one type. There are annoying granola people who smell like cheap weed and wear Birkenstocks. There are wannabe frat guys who smell like cheap beer and wear backward bro hats. And then there are the 30-something dads who smell like spit-up because they brought their fucking kids. These guys still have goatees like it’s 1998. I’m not saying everyone who likes DMB is one of these people, only that those of us who enjoy his music and also happen to be contributing members of society have to deal with them a hell of a lot more than the Dave Matthews haters out there. If anything, I despise them more than you do, Watkins.