I recently got into Game of Thrones, the latest hit HBO series that everyone incessantly tells me I should be watching, and then yells at me for not watching, then won’t talk about it around me because “Well, what if you DO end up watching, then it’ll be spoiled for you,” and then say “But you’d be SO into it, you HAVE to watch it,” and I say “No, I don’t have the time to get into another show,” but then your friend invites you over and ambushes you with the pilot and then before you know it, boom, you’re halfway through Season 3.
I binged all four seasons just in time to get into Season 5, and I think I finished it a few hours before, so needless to say I was jazzed. The Purple Wedding, Arya and the Hound raging across the countryside, the whole thing with Reek, Bran did…something weird and stupid with some three-eyed crow, Jon Snow goes down on a ginger, and, of course, my favorite scene in the entire fucking series, Oberyn Martell vs the Mountain.
Bad. Fucking. Ass.
And then…we got the most boring fucking season since Ned was sitting around a table with the small council discussing the crown’s finances. The only remotely interesting things that happened were just brutally terrible and damn near unwatchable. The coolest scene in the entire season was basically a copy of the Stadium scene from Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Seriously, they ripped off the worst Star Wars movie! You call that entertainment?
But worry not, GOT-lovers. I’ve got some solutions to right the ship and turn this motherlovin HBO-juggernaut around. You listening, George R.R. Martin? You steal any of these ideas and you’re gonna pay me, you chubby, incest-writing motherfucker.
1.) Get the Khaleesi naked again
— Stern Show (@sternshow) May 6, 2015
Daenerys Targaryen spent the last couple of seasons dressed up in more clothes than the friggin Septa with the “Shame!” bell. Why is that? Did we as a people somehow grow tired of seeing Emilia Clarke naked? I don’t recall the Supreme Court saying anything about that. She’s trying to become a legitimate actress? Let us know how the lack of boobies helped the Terminator: Genisys box office receipts. Spoiler alert: They didn’t. This is a character we’ve seen eat a Horse’s heart and ride a dragon. You know what the first thing I’d do if I got to ride a dragon? Take all my clothes off and ride bare-ass on the motherfucker. Come on, Khaleesi!
Also, stop throwing the hot characters in jail. Seriously? Cersi AND Margery in a cell instead of out and about? You should be ashamed of yourselves.
2.) Bring a few characters back to life
One of the reasons that this show is going down the tubes is that there’s literally nobody left to care about, because everyone else is dead. The snotty boy king you love to hate? Dead. The cool, partying Baratheons? Dead. 90 percent of the Starks? Dead. So who have we got left? Lord Baelish, the creepy dude that’s trying to nail the daughter of the love of his life, a Khaleesi wearing turtlenecks, and some dude named Daario Naharis, NO clue who that is. That’s like killing off Frasier, Frasier’s dad, Roz, Daphne and the Dog, leaving Niles Crane alone in a giant apartment sipping brandy and discussing fine art. That’s no fun. Invent some mcguffin to bring back a few cool characters so we’re not left with these boring motherfuckers.
3.) More Tyrion
Any minute this show doesn’t have Peter Dinklage in it is a minute wasted. Give him teleportation powers so he can appear in every scene in every part of Westeros. Give him a 10-joke monologue at the top of the show and closing remarks at the end ever night. Or a call-in Psychiatry show from 2-5 p.m. every day on a Seattle radio station. Hell, I’d watch a reality-spinoff where Tyrion goes to run-down brothels around the seven kingdoms and elevates them to the Lannister standard. Just give “the Imp” a lion’s share of screen time.
4.) Make the characters less confusing
Show of hands, who knows who the fuck Darrio Naharis is? How about Mance Rayder, or Walder Frey? Do you know Arya’s assassin trainer’s name? It’s Jaqen H’ghar, which is spelled like the sound a morbidly obese man makes when he swallows a chicken bone. That’s just four. There’s like 6,000 other characters in this show when you really only need to know about eight, and four of them are gonna die in the next season anyway. Just go with the standard sitcom method: Main character, love interest, main character’s brother, brother’s love interest, snarky grandpa, and Eddie, grandpa’s Jack Russell Terrier. Boom. That’ll get you to 264 episodes and syndication, easy.
5.) Have some fun!
We hear it all the time: “Winter is Coming”. White-walkers, snowy corpses, and a frost so cold it’ll blot out the sun for a thousand years. Blah blah blah blah blah.
But until then…it’s SUMMER! Why not load up the station wagon and head out west to Wally World? Why can’t we ever see these characters just go to the beach and have some fun for a change? Remember the earlier seasons with weddings and jousts and cool tournaments? Let’s go back to that! But with like a shitload less brutal murder, and a ton more bikini volleyball. Cersi and Margarey Tyrell vs. the two chicks from the lesbian brothel scene, please! (And for the ladies, Lifeguard Jon Snow is on duty. Waves and babes gather, and now his watch begins.)
And if all else fails, just send Tyrion back to Casterly Rock, where he can hit up his favorite brothel: Cheers, where everybody knows your name. “TYRION!” .
Image via YouTube