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Whether it’s weight loss drinks, teeth whitening powder, or “athleisure,” there’s nothing quite as insufferable as getting that, “I have an opportunity I’d loveeeeee to tell you about” message. And while you tend to just politely decline their attempts to lure you into their pathetic clutches with some semblance of dignity, you’d love to handle the exchange a little bit differently. Here’s how it would go if we threw any semblance of being decent people out the window. You know, kind of like what they’re doing when they clog your newsfeed with skin care supplements.
1. “Fuck you.”
I had to get that one out right off the bat. Because seriously, fuck you. We’re all out here working our balls off 10 to 12 and then a little bit after 3, and you think you can just Facebook message your way to a bedroom set? Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you’re a part of a legitimate business just because they managed to get 40 people wearing the same company t-shirt into a group picture (which you keep posting to legitimize the brand, even though you’re not in it).
2. “I unfollowed you on Facebook.”
Part of me regrets this because I’d love to watch you slowly realize what you’ve gotten yourself into, but it had to be done. And you know why I opted out of your constant posts? Because you’re pushing a miracle fat-burning wrap so hard that you have essentially become fake news. Life is full of possibilities. Why have you chosen this to be your personal brand? Anyone with half a brain can tell that all you have to offer is an expensive scam. If there are 37 people whose jobs fall somewhere between you and the CEO of the company, things are not okay.
3. “I question your life choices.”
And not just your current ones, but a few you’ve made in the past, too. For example, why did you go to college? Why even give your parents hope that you would one day pursue a legitimate career when you’re just going to end up like that girl I went to high school with who now has a trunk full of dildos? As a child, did you show any traits that would hint towards your future career as a “sales leader” with absolutely zero self-awareness?
4. “Your friends and family don’t have to love you.”
The idea that your relatives have to put up with you is a bunch of BS — you can annoy anyone out of loving you. It was nice of your aunt to cave and order three exfoliating peels, but she won’t be in touch much longer. And not just because your product is absolute garbage, but because you charged her the entirety of her retirement fund for it. It’s time to quit dicking around and get a real job. What you’re doing is bad, and you should feel bad, no matter how easily you can cut a soda can with your knife set..