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Whether it’s weight loss drinks, teeth whitening powder, or “athleisure,” there’s nothing quite as insufferable as getting that, “I have an opportunity I’d loveeeeee to tell you about” message. And while you tend to just politely decline their attempts to lure you into their pathetic clutches with some semblance of dignity, you’d love to handle the exchange a little bit differently. Here’s how it would go if we threw any semblance of being decent people out the window. You know, kind of like what they’re doing when they clog your newsfeed with skin care supplements.
1. “Fuck you.”
I had to get that one out right off the bat. Because seriously, fuck you. We’re all out here working our balls off 10 to 12 and then a little bit after 3, and you think you can just Facebook message your way to a bedroom set? Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you’re a part of a legitimate business just because they managed to get 40 people wearing the same company t-shirt into a group picture (which you keep posting to legitimize the brand, even though you’re not in it).
2. “I unfollowed you on Facebook.”
Part of me regrets this because I’d love to watch you slowly realize what you’ve gotten yourself into, but it had to be done. And you know why I opted out of your constant posts? Because you’re pushing a miracle fat-burning wrap so hard that you have essentially become fake news. Life is full of possibilities. Why have you chosen this to be your personal brand? Anyone with half a brain can tell that all you have to offer is an expensive scam. If there are 37 people whose jobs fall somewhere between you and the CEO of the company, things are not okay.
3. “I question your life choices.”
And not just your current ones, but a few you’ve made in the past, too. For example, why did you go to college? Why even give your parents hope that you would one day pursue a legitimate career when you’re just going to end up like that girl I went to high school with who now has a trunk full of dildos? As a child, did you show any traits that would hint towards your future career as a “sales leader” with absolutely zero self-awareness?
4. “Your friends and family don’t have to love you.”
The idea that your relatives have to put up with you is a bunch of BS — you can annoy anyone out of loving you. It was nice of your aunt to cave and order three exfoliating peels, but she won’t be in touch much longer. And not just because your product is absolute garbage, but because you charged her the entirety of her retirement fund for it. It’s time to quit dicking around and get a real job. What you’re doing is bad, and you should feel bad, no matter how easily you can cut a soda can with your knife set..
Respond
@Lucky__Jo
@lucyjmulvihill
letluuce
“It’s so great! I can work from my bed and get up at 10am and work whenever I want! I’m my own boss! I’m on Facebook all day being a useless being anyway so why not make $47/week while doing it!”
Yeah, get back with me in 5 years and we’ll see who’s winning.
I’ve told more than one of my friends wives that if they are really doing that well they shouldn’t have to tell people. Kind of a dick move I know, but nobody brings it up around me anymore
I mean, the knives are pretty sharp.
Cutco is trash. The use a micro serrated blade to imitate a true well made forged knife. That’s why you have to send them out for “sharpening.”
If the company sales strategy is ‘push it to everyone you know on social media’ it’s probably crap.
I had lost touch with one of my best friends from middle school and she reached out to me right before I moved to see if I wanted to get together for drinks. I was ecstatic. We met up and she pitched me on WorldVentures. I turned from ecstatic to furious real quick.
Yes! I’ve had so many friends from middle and high school I’ve lost touch with reach out to me only to have it be a pitch for this garbage.
“I’m a small business owner!” Really? Do you have an LLC?
“Are you a BossBabe? Join my team now and live your life!!!”
Are we just gonna gloss over the stock photo girl’s weird feet?
Look at you.
You bullied me in the third grade, and made me not want to be around people. You’re dressed in a crisp suit, hanging out at midnight in an all-night diner with the rest of your “team,” looking like high school seniors coming from prom.
Now look at me.
I’m eating a quiet dinner and having a pint in a booth near you, my body aching from the five straight hours I spent clearing tables at the restaurant I work at. I’m paying for my burger with the tip money that I earned with my blood and sweat. I’m sore and tired, but every minute of the time I put in was worth the sometimes meager payoff.
I don’t like you, and I never will.
I hate to break to you guys but we’re all in on a giant pyramid scheme. I mean, look at the pyramid with the all seeing eye that’s printed on every single $1 bill and then correlate that symbolism to the handful of people who have most of those bills and then ask yourself, why do they keep slapping a new, amorphous enemy we need to fight over the face of fear every 10 years? Once you work backwards from that question, you’ll understand that instead of trying to sell weight loss shakes and body wraps, they’re selling weapons and we’re all paying for them so it’s all relative lol
I saw a Facebook friend push her “company” saying “last month’s earnings covered my car payment!” How is that something to brag about? You made ~$150 last month? Yikes.
Not getting MLM messages because you don’t have any friends. PGP.
Sorry not related to the article: my comments aren’t all showing properly since updating the app. It says there should be 9 comments on this article but I’m only seeing 4. Even deleted and redownloaded.
Related to the article: the pyramid schemes are driving me crazy and if one more girl I went to college with tries to get me to sell her stupid overpriced shampoo that “really works!!” I might scream. If you’re making more money getting other people to sell your product than you’re making by actually selling your product, that’s a pyramid scheme, fools.
My fraternity brothers wife got him into the fit scam. I felt pity on him because he was one of the more anti social ones in the fraternity and he was flopping around like a fish trying to be outgoing on Facebook. Bought some greens from him to make him feel better then cancel my card off the account so no more would come to me. Told him my bank was hacked, but said I would get back on there. Never did.
4. You’re not a business owner and calling yourself one is an insult to actual business owners.
Well said. I had to unfollow someone over body wraps, and i’m pretty close to unfollowing someone who does nothing but hawk Younique all day
It’s not really a pyramid scheme but I’m selling unserialized AK’s out of my van if anyone’s interested. Find me on reddit
Because a dollar is worth anything by itself. The dollar is a promise from the US government to repay a debt of equal value.
People forget that
Came here to say the same thing! Comments aren’t all loading on the app (I didn’t even see this one). I can only see them all when I view the website on a browser.
Okay….but what if she had a super cool underwater torpedo car with only a 12 month payment plan.
She’s making like…. ~$35,728 a month from her company.
Okay….but what if she had a super cool underwater torpedo car with only a 12 month payment plan.
She’s making like…. ~$35,728 a month from her company.
Got any bump stocks or silencers? You know, for research purposes.
You sir, have my attention. Do you happen to have any surplus Chinese ammo laying around as well?
Agreed, as an actual business owner. Let’s see them process a P&L (wait what’s a P&L?)