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Let’s clarify something off the top. This is “celebrities who would be awesome to work with in a white collar office environment in which they are either your cubicle mate or boss or something.” That was just way too long to put into the title.
The obvious office clown. Now, I know that Charlie in real life isn’t anything like Charlie in “Always Sunny,” so I’m not expecting to be able to talk him into doing really stupid things, or assign him “Charlie work.” But he’s still funny, and has that voice that makes me chuckle no matter what he’s saying. He’s the guy that you go to in the shitty conference call to lighten the mood for everyone. He’s the guy who will get everyone excited to go to happy hour after work. He’s the guy who will go on a hilarious 20 minute rant about how stupid the new vending machines are, and question why they even bother stocking them with Twizzlers.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
The dude is a fucking star. He’s like Frank Sinatra and George Clooney sitting on each other’s shoulders inside a Samoan demi-god costume. He’s the total package. Funny, kind, smart, talented, hard working, and above all, he’s a physical beast. Sure, a white collar office isn’t the most physically demanding environment in the world, but think about all the ancillary stuff. Corporate sporting events? He’s the ringer. Intimidating competitors into offering your company better deals? Muscle provided. Physical backup for when you get lit at happy hour after a long day in the boiler room, and talk shit to an entire biker gang? Ain’t nobody steppin’ to you, son.
Oh, what an original idea, a professional comedian would be fun to have around as the office comedian. Well thanks for that condescending statement, hypothetical reader I just made up. The fact is, not just any comedian is gonna be fun to work with. I love the shit out of Mitch Hedberg (RIP), but I’m not sure he would’ve been a great cubicle mate. He’s shy, quiet, and the only laughs you’d be getting out of him is when he occasionally pops his head up to say a weird one-liner, bail on the joke halfway through, and then slowly merge back to his office chair. Chelsea’s a ball buster, which is the kind of comedy that works in an office. You want to sit next to the person who has hilarious shit to say about every person who works around you, and isn’t afraid to say the same jokes to their face. Her character on “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” is ridiculous, but if I were a betting man (and I am; I lost a lot of money last weekend), then I’d wager that she would turn out to be a lot like the snarky, wolf-apparel aficionado who makes me giggle every Sunday at 8:30 (pay me my money, FOX).
My boy Tommy Cruise would easily be the best guy to have in the office with you. He embodies everything you like about a coworker. By all accounts, he just brings an awesome energy to everyone, and legitimately cares about people. He might make you look bad in terms of the effort he’s putting in, but he’s such a good dude, he’d probably do a lot of your work for you so that you don’t lose your job because of his efficiency. Plus he’s just excited about everything. Sure, in the mornings it might be a little grating to have this tiny, white toothed man-sculpture bouncing around, going on and on about how awesome the new reports you have to file are. But once you get your coffee in you, that enthusiasm becomes contagious. Suddenly you don’t hate your job as much as you did anymore, because Maverick reminds you every second how great it is to be alive. Just try to be polite and patiently listen to his invites to go to his “church.” Don’t go. Definitely don’t go. Just humor him..