Log In / SignupAs a graduate, you quickly learn the dos and don’ts of your office workplace. While most of the rules are laid out before you in the form of orientation or signed agreements, one might argue the most important rules to abide by are the unspoken ones. There are certain behaviors you want to stay away from in order to be taken seriously, but more importantly, to keep from pissing off everyone around you. I’ve seen some really, really bad looks this summer, so I said fuck it, might as well write a column on the ones I despise the most. Without further ado, here are the four most despicable workplace bad looks that I would advise each and every one of you to avoid while starting your new jobs this fall.
Leaving Early
Look, I understand there are varying schools of thought when it comes to leaving work. Some abide by the 9 a.m. – 5 p.m. boundaries no matter what. Other, more dutiful employees, live by the code of never leaving work before their immediate superior, no matter the time of day. Then there is the special breed of desk jockey who has no qualms whatsoever with casually dipping out of the office at 4:51. I understand the fact that I’m not the only person who would rather be anywhere other than my cube when running out the clock, but that just makes you look awful. You really have somewhere so important to be that it couldn’t wait until 5:15? C’mon, now. At least pretend to clean up your inbox and organize your desktop for the last few minutes of the day like the rest of us.
Posting Up on Everything
We all know this guy. His boss calls him into his office, so he immediately leans up against the door frame with one leg tucked behind the other. You call him over to ask him something? He sits on the corner of your desk right next to your favorite mug. What does this guy think? He’s slick or something? He’s a smooth operator who actually makes money for the company? Sitting at his desk for 8 hours a day is so hard on his legs that he has to take the load off anytime he’s actually supposed to stand for a change? People like this are insufferable. They need to be told to stand up, straighten up their shirt, and figure it out. Nobody likes the douchebag who has to lean up on everything or sit where they were never invited to sit. Don’t be this guy.
The Fake/Loud Phone Voice
Nothing screams “I don’t really serve a purpose here” like being that guy on a mission to turn every routine phone call into a grandiose exhibition of noise and drawn out bullshitting. It is so incredibly easy to conduct yourself on the phone amongst colleagues in a civil and monotone voice to respect the personal space of the people you work with. But if all you do is sit at your desk to refresh your email feed and watch YouTube mini-series all week, I guess you do whatever it takes to make your presence felt when the opportunity presents itself. Unfortunately for those people, it’s painfully obvious to everyone around them that the only reason they are still shouting into the receiver and irritating the living hell out of their fellow employees is because they know the minute they hang up, they are back to square one, having no responsibilities for the rest of the day and living with the fact that they are utterly useless to the company.
Commenting on People’s Clothes…Every Single Day
Similar to the obnoxiously loud phone presence, complimenting people’s wardrobe on the daily is another desperate way to compensate for the fact that you have no actual responsibilities at work. Saying “Tom I like your shirt” to Tom each day of the week isn’t going to convey to Tom that you actually like his shirt. Tom’s going to think you’re either really annoying or really strange for always finding it necessary to start his day off with the same compliment. Best case: you’re a friendly guy in a weird kind of way. Worst case: you’re a hopeless kiss ass who feels his voice must be heard, and everyone knows it. If you must say something, a simple “good morning” should do the trick.
And yes, you guessed it, all of these behaviors describe the same single person I’ve been lucky enough to sit across from all summer. It’s tested my patience, endurance, and driven me dangerously close to full-blown office rage. For whatever reason, I was able to channel my frustration and turn it into something of value. If any of this counsel can help just one of you, I’ve done my job. Good luck out there, and in one last parting piece of advice, always remember: Early is on time, and on time is late..
Image via Shutterstock
First job out of college? If these little things are already bothering you, then you have a long road ahead of you, my friend.
Finishing up my last week of college as we speak. But thanks for the read!
Then why the fuck did you write this?
And who finishes college the last week of September?
And for the record, I don’t really care for an answer all that much so no need to reply.
Reminds me of the high schoolers who would post on TFM.
But seriously, go fuck yourself for writing this.
I’d like to see a revised list 18 months into your first job
Just wait until he runs into “Microwaves Fish in the Break Room Guy”. He’ll shit himself.
Or “man who retired 10 years ago and didn’t bother telling anybody.”
How did you get an article posted on PGP when you’re not even PG yet?! You don’t even know anything yet, kid.
Leaving early means you’re a beast in the office and you just don’t give a fuck about what any common folk like yourself think. It’s an underrated power move that says “I know we’re supposed to sit here for 8 hours like retarded drones but I only have 4 hours worth of actual work plus 2 shits so I’m gonna go enjoy my shitty life.”
Plus you can’t get anything done in those last 5 minutes, but the time it takes off the commute by beating everyone else to the interstate is priceless.
Noted
Again showing your newness.
I get to work at 6:30 every morning. If I want to leave at 4:45, I fucking will.
Plus he has to deal with Girl. He needs a happy hour or two before that nightmare starts again.
I may be in the minority of Toms here, but I don’t mind a “nice shirt” compliment here and there.
Name checks out. Probably has a wardrobe full of “nice shirt” worthy shirts.
It’s 4:41pmET and I am leaving early to go play 9 holes. Would have left earlier had I not walked into another co-workers office to shoot a round of hoops on his nerf BBall hoop. Also, I plan to walk right by my HR Director’s office and tell her exactly where I’m going. Why? Because none fucks given. Good luck finding someone better and cheaper than me to do my job.
This. So much this. Yep I worked a 7 hour day, but I also get more done for half the price.
Not on the retainer with a salary yet huh? The big leagues will call one day. I suggest you decline the call.
You sound like a really successful badass. That’s cool
Thanks man.
Hourly is when you have to work every hour of the job, salary is where you’re paid to do your job. I work 35 hour weeks and 100 hour weeks, depends on if it’s one of our busy times (tax season and end of quarter). Da fuq is up with all the people not understanding how the business world works lately?
Yeah man, simply by reading this article you can tell that you have not been in the business world very long.
Finishing up my last week of college as we speak. But thanks for the read!
I’m in public accounting, and as anyone in my industry or any other client-focused job will tell you, if I’m not billable or actively working on something, I don’t need to fucking be here. I leave basically around 3 or 4 everyday in the summer and fall because I work until 10 pm or later from January to May. So you can kindly go fuck yourself in your self righteous ass.
Guilty of posting up, but never have I ever been a desk sitter. Also, I had to think for a few minutes until I could think of other people that post up, because I’ve never seen it as a douche move. Am I the only one that doesn’t see a problem with this? Asking for a friend.
Like anything, there are times when you shouldn’t post up. But I can’t imagine it bothers most people. The author is really in for it when they have a truly shitty co-worker.
Maybe dude has a bum knee from his high school football days. Sometimes standing is hard.
I get to work at 7:30 every morning. I’ll leave at 4 if I damn well please.