First Date Rules From A Dude Who Crushes First Dates

First Date Rules From A Dude Who Crushes First Dates

Some people can fly cast the perfect loop. Others can play Snake until the screen can’t physically sustain how long the snake has actually gotten. But me? I have a God-given (or inherited from my father) talent that I never knew would come in handy until I heard the horror stories from friends and family alike from their own experiences. It has nothing to do with mincing garlic or being able to dissect the stock market – it has everything to do with being the best first date a girl has ever laid her eyes on. For what you may lack in looks or confidence, there are certain steps one must take in order to ensure you get off on the right foot.

If you follow these tried and true rules, it’s all downhill after the first date. Well, more so than it already was.

Rule No. 1: Don’t wash your hair for two days prior.

There are three times when your hair looks the worst: immediately upon waking up, immediately upon being cut, and immediately upon being washed. Any dates scheduled when your flow isn’t on point? Cancel your reservation and get a raincheck.

Everyone knows that you’re not supposed to wash your hair every single day, or even every other day. By allowing your lettuce to build up a little natural dressing, you’ll achieve a sheen that even the worst of first dates will remember fondly. Mix in some day-old pomade and you’ve got a lethal combination that’ll make even the hostess to a double-take. Sure, “if she can’t handle you at your worst, she can’t handle you at your best,” or whatever. But have some self-respect and skip some shampoo.

Rule No. 2: Select a neutral location.

You don’t want any awkward run-ins. You want a safe haven to get your first date game momentum going.

Me? I’m picking somewhere that we can eat al-fuckin-fresco, or I’m picking a place with dim lighting that says, “I’m setting the mood while also trying to hide any potential blemishes that either you or I have.” Love me or hate me, you can’t deny that I’m a people pleaser. But if you roll two-deep into a restaurant where your boys (or girls) decide to post up in an effort to embarrass you, it’s going to be a dead giveaway that you’re still an immature piece of shit. You need to save that information for the fifth date, at the earliest.

Rule No. 3: Get boozy.

There’s no excuse to be sober on a date. Well, that is, unless you’re actually sober, but that’s beside the point.

While you’re getting ready and listening to music on your iPad while you shower, have a tumbler of something sitting on your bathroom sink ready to rip while you fix your hair and over-scrutinize your blemishes. While you’re on the date, get on the train and invite your counterpart along with you. Is there a chance you could possibly make a fool of yourself by underestimating the power of the restaurant’s 13-dollar old-fashioneds? Absolutely. But there’s also an equal chance she’s going to do the same when that fourth glass of prosecco arrives and both of you wonder, “Is this the best idea?”

At the risk of quoting the most over-quoted line in the history of quoted lines: “And all the while you’re just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions?” Those bad decisions could range from revealing too much about yourself or having a back-alley makeout session, but either way, bad decisions are something to bond over when you’re grasping at straws the next day trying to figure out what to text.

Rule No. 4: “Be prepared.” – Scar, The Lion King

Our parents had dance cards and blind dates. We have Google, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Tumblr. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you give me someone’s name and a photo, I can learn their life story in twenty minutes. If you’re not on your date’s Facebook within five minutes of matching them on Bumble, you’re wasting the information that could possibly be right at your fingertips. In her mind (and on Pinterest), she already has her wedding planned so you might as well get that sort of negotiation out the way before she gets out of her Uber while you nervously wait at the bar stirring your drink.

Besides, if her aesthetic on Instagram is garbage or she doesn’t get a lot of likes, get out before you get in. There’s probably something wrong with her.

Rule No. 5: Plan for the future.

No, you fucking Turd. I don’t mean your future together with one another. I mean your exit strategy should things go south (or should things go too well). Do you want to be the guy forking over another $40 for an extra couple rounds of drinks after dinner at a nearby bar when you already know you’re going to unmatch her within minutes of walking into your studio apartment? No, you don’t. And do you want to be the guy walking into work wearing the exact same thing into work the next day because you woke up at her place with a headache and phone with no battery? Again – no, you don’t. Okay, well maybe you do because your work boys will high-five you but that’s neither here nor there. Slobs don’t get promotions; responsible dudes with seemingly normal girlfriends do.

Whether you need to ensure that you’re falling asleep in your own bed or you need to fake a Saturday morning round of golf in the middle of February, proper preparation prevents poor performance. Just make sure you pay for her to get an Uber home to prove that chivalry, in fact, is not dead.

Rule No. 6: Slow and steady.

You’re ordering the chicken or the steak. Or the sushi, because everyone knows that sushi first dates are the best kind of first dates. But if you muffed that one and find yourself sitting at a mediocre three-and-a-half star French restaurant with the second cheapest bottle of wine in front of you, just remember – slow and steady wins the race. Hear me out.

The real reasons behind slow-eating your date are as follows: you make her question the speed at which she’s eating which immediately puts you in the driver’s seat. By taking time between bites, you give yourself the opportunity to run the conversation in the direction that you want it to go. Most importantly, you extend the date beyond a quick 45-minute dinner and into the territory of “you know, we really got to know each other.”

Yeah, those three reasons made you initially think, “That’s an asshole move” but then finished off with you saying, “Aww, that’s so sweet.” Broke you down so I could build you back up. Not that you needed it, because you haven’t washed your hair in a couple days and it looks incredible.

Image via YouTube

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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