36 Things I Will Teach My Future Son

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My dad was pretty great at the whole dad thing, as I’ve written about before. But as I enter the twilight of my 20s (Jesus, what an obnoxious phrase), I’ve started to think more and more about the kind of father I want to be. Not that I’m anywhere near the point of having children. Hell, I can barely take care of myself most days. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t started strategizing what I want my son to learn from me. Will all of my great intentions go right the fuck out the door once I’m responsible for an actual human being? Probably. But it’s good to think about.

  1. Play an instrument. Get good at it.
  2. Cooking isn’t just for girls.
  3. Smoking pot doesn’t make you cool. It’s a helluva lot of fun, but it sure as shit won’t make you cool.
  4. Fighting is the option of last resort, but if you’re gonna do it, you might as well know how to do it well.
  5. The location of the clitoris. It’s not awkward, it’s important, damn it.
  6. How to not get so swept up in the theater of politics that he doesn’t have the ability to think critically.
  7. Girls are perfectly capable of being smarter, stronger, funnier, and better than you. Act accordingly.
  8. “Die Hard” is the greatest action movie of all time. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
  9. If you mouth off to your coach, and he doesn’t make you run, I will.
  10. The full history of all of our sports teams, so he knows how to have a conversation about them with anyone over the age of 40.
  11. One great sentence in French to use on girls. You don’t need to know any more than that.
  12. Don’t wear a suit and tie to school. You’ll think it’s funny and unique. It’s not.
  13. Your granddad is full of shit most of the time, but that’s why we love him.
  14. How to throw a tight spiral, turn a double play, swing a club, hit on cheerleaders, and make his teachers love him.
  15. Don’t tuck in your polo, unless you’re at work or on the course. It makes you look like a doofus.
  16. If you try to pull any tricks on me, understand that I know and perfected them years ago.
  17. Adults might be idiots, but you have to respect them anyway.
  18. Elementary school is fun, middle school is only awful if you let it be, high school is a joke, and college isn’t nearly as serious as you think it is.
  19. How to be a champ at beer pong. We’ll start with water, and by the time he’s in college, the kid’s gonna a fucking champ.
  20. Buying a house with a yard for the sole purpose of making him take care of it.
  21. How to play craps, scalp sportsbook lines, when to split pairs, and the best shortcuts for a good time in Vegas.
  22. Cheap, black coffee is always better than some fancy shit you’ll pay eight bucks for.
  23. Stand up for kids getting bullied. If you get suspended, you and I will go take a vacation for the days you’re out of school.
  24. The Cowboys are America’s Team, Mavs Fan For Life, Texas Damn Rangers.
  25. Fuck the Redskins. Fuck the Eagles. Fuck the Spurs. Fuck the Angels.
  26. Don’t swear in front of your mom.
  27. I’m not gonna make you wear shitty clothes, but owning everything that’s currently in style will in no way make you automatically popular.
  28. You don’t have to like my music, but you will respect it.
  29. Never ask a girl to prom in a public way unless you are 100% sure she’ll say yes.
  30. If you’re gonna have sex with your high school girlfriend, don’t get caught. The only person who will get more shit from her parents than you is me.
  31. Golf is the most fun you can have while being permanently frustrated.
  32. A firm handshake and eye contact is more valuable than a trust fund.
  33. Girls are not dragons. They’re just as insecure and terrified of what the opposite sex thinks of them as you are.
  34. For every funny story I tell you about what I did when I was young, there are three that I’m not telling you. There’s a reason for that.
  35. Don’t be scared of doing something because your friends think it’s “girly.” They’re just pussies.
  36. You don’t have to have your life figured out as soon as you think. At the time of me writing this, I haven’t either.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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