26 Better Things You Can Spend Your Money On Than A Wedding


Weddings have always been appropriately expensive events, because, you know, you’re only supposed to have one. #oh

However, thanks to social media, weddings sometimes depart from their original intent (a celebration of love) and turn into something far more sinister (a Pinterest pissing contest). While it’s totally fine to blow a couple grand on something exquisite and tasteful that complements both the bride and groom’s vision of their big day, throwing your money in the air willy nilly on gold dipped tea lights is an ominous sign for a new, joint bank account.

I’m not telling you to cheap out on a life milestone, but rather to think twice about how you throw your nest egg to the floor, watching the white and yolk create one hell of a Rorschach test on the marble tiling you had flown in from Italy. Because you thought the gazebo paneling looked tacky.

Without further ado, here’s a list of valuable things you could have spent your money on instead of a wedding catering to the 400 people who will inevitably screw up your wedding #hashtag.

  1. A European vacation that has nothing to do with backpacking
  2. Fun, prescription drugs that help implement marriage security
  3. Cooking classes to prepare you for cooking for two
  4. A down payment on a house
  5. An extension on your house
  6. TVs in every room in your house
  7. An extra bathroom that would help implement marriage security
  8. A true-to-size bouncy castle
  9. An in-ground pool & jacuzzi
  10. A small, major motion picture based off your tedious screenplay
  11. A Lego mansion built to your measurements
  12. A spiked lemonade stand
  13. Did I mention a down payment on a house?
  14. Sponsoring children in Africa so you can avoid having your own
  15. Some local monument named after you, earning immortality
  16. A private Limp Bizkit concert because unlike the band itself, you don’t give up on your dreams
  17. Jewelry for marriage security
  18. Boat shoes in every shade of the rainbow
  19. Cashmere sweatsuits
  20. A bat mobile
  21. Paying off labs so you’re first in line when they start growing kids from test tubes
  22. Rare, offensive art
  23. A sense of purpose
  24. Hookers for marriage security
  25. Bottle service
  26. Did I mention a down payment on a house?

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Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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