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One of the biggest problems with putting yourself out there in the dating world is finding a match. If you Tinder or just meet people out and about, you’ll often have a pool of mixed matches, and the bad matches take attention away from the good matches. It is important to immediately screen potentials to keep your dating pool relatively pure, and these questions should screen out about 90 to 95 percent of the undesirables.
“Do you prefer Chipotle or Qdoba?”
This is a key question, as it screens out all blasphemers and reveals one’s true nature. I cannot trust someone who prefers Qdoba to Chipotle, and I assume that those people worship their evil Qdoba gods by drowning babies in queso to pay tribute. Queso is an unacceptable reason to turn your back on the merciful Chipotle gods, whose heavenly guacamole and barbacoa are blessings to all mortals. A Chipotle lover and a Qdoba lover simply cannot live together in peace. You should be able to cut your prospects in half with this question, whether you are a Qdoba demon worshipper or a righteous holy knight of Chipotle.
“What are your favorite pizza toppings?”
Specifics aren’t as important here as the nature of the topping. Anyone who prefers vegetables as toppings on his or her pizza is clearly a communist and should be distrusted. It’s a well known fact that Stalin preferred only vegetables on his pizza. Acceptable toppings on pizza include extra cheese, sausage, and/or pepperoni. The more grease and cheesy goodness, the better. Since you are bound to eat pizza with whomever you date, this question is crucial.
“What do you do for a living?”
It’s a tough job market right now, no doubt, but there has to be some level of standards in this department. What are this person’s career goals? How ambitious is he or she? Does this person have a brain in his or her head? What’s the point of dating this person if all he or she does is drain your bank account? If that’s the case, you’re probably better off paying for an escort.
“What are your views on butt stuff?”
While not necessarily a deal maker or breaker, the topic of butt stuff says a lot about a potential partner. A quick “yes” may mean this person is frighteningly adventurous, a firm “no” likely says that he or she is closed minded, and a laugh means this person has a good sense of humor…and hey, it’s not like he or she said no. Pick your poison, put on some rubber gloves, grab some Astroglide, and screen out the over-puckered.
“What is your parents’ estimated annual income?”
A shallow question, yes, but you don’t want this person’s parents asking you for a loan down the road, among other things.
“What’s your opinion on Shia LaBoeuf?”
Shia LaBoeuf is a horrible actor who happens to have an excellent agent. The kid’s gotten some fantastic roles that were way above his talent level. He butchered them, but he still gets work. Any self-respecting person with any taste at all will agree that loving Shia LaBoeuf is a deal breaker. If you could pin down a single worst part of the cinematic travesty that was “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” it was him.
“Do you prefer dogs or cats?”
Do you prefer the company of man’s BFF, or the cold, judging stare of nature’s most distant, animal asshole.
“Do you have health insurance?”
Cover all your bases, and make sure this person has all of his or hers covered, too. Maybe this person’s employer offers family plans…
“What’s your favorite sports team?”
The biggest deal breaker of all deal breakers, sports team fandom will screen out the worst of the worst. By that, I mean Florida Gator fans. When football, hockey, basketball, or baseball season rolls around, do you really want to be dating someone rooting for a team you absolutely hate? Of course not. That’s a recipe for domestic violence. Stay true to your team and just say no to jorts.