21 Facts You Didn’t Know About Kim Kardashian’s Butt

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By now, you’ve seen Kim Kardashian’s healthy back door on the cover of Paper magazine. You most likely saw it on your phone while you pretended to take a shit at work. Think you’re the “World’s #1 Kim K. Ass Fan”? Well, before you get that printed on a coffee mug, you need to test your knowledge against these facts that might surprise you.

  1. Kim’s can is insured for $21 million.
  2. Has a secret ingredient (nutmeg).
  3. Won a Purple Heart while fighting in Desert Storm.
  4. Can fart the whistle part of “Patience” by Guns N’ Roses.
  5. Owns 5 percent of the Indiana Pacers.
  6. Houses a Korean nail salon in the left cheek.
  7. Formerly housed a Papa John’s in the right cheek. (Currently for lease due to health code violations.)
  8. Used to play drums in Styx.
  9. Makes, like, THE BEST guac.
  10. Weighs roughly the same as two large ostriches (about 600 pounds).
  11. Was People magazine’s 2003 “Sexiest Man Alive.”
  12. Needs to be watered twice a day.
  13. Is distant cousins with the Hamburger Helper hand.
  14. Is legally named “Moisten Butterball III.”
  15. Poops out Cadbury Eggs on Easter.
  16. Was briefly married to Kansas City Royals Hall of Famer George Brett.
  17. Smokes Newport Lights.
  18. Will be a new flavor of Doritos next summer.*
  19. Slated to produce Kanye’s next album.
  20. Serves as an unofficial adviser to President Obama.
  21. Won “Class Clown” in high school.

*Rumored. Kim Kardashian’s people refused to comment.

Image via Instagram

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Mike Burns

Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."

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