20 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head While Paying Your Student Loans

20 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head While Paying Your Student Loans

Like many of the 40 million recent grads, I have student loans. A lot of them. I even make a decent salary for my age, yet at the end of the month and keeping my “going out” fund solely for nights with specials, I can barely afford the minimum monthly payment. After arriving at the final stage of the Five Stages of Grief (it’s acceptance for those keeping score at home), I spread my cheeks and lift my sack as many of my other millennial counter parts do every month when student loan payment comes around.

I see education as a basic human right: education is an investment that helps ensure our people aren’t stupid or, at least, semi-functional. I’m all for reasonable arrangements and I would have no problem paying my loans, if they were reasonable. Seeing about 1/3 of my paycheck go to an education, just so I could get a job, seems a bit illogical to me.

In many ways, for those of us that grew up in the middle class where our parents made too much money to get any assistance but not enough to outright pay for college, student loan pay day is the opposite of nudie magazine day. I have many thoughts run through my head as I run through my monthly Five Stages of Grief before I cut my check to the man, from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to finally, acceptance.

This is bullshit. How does the government expect us to be the next consumers, buy houses, get married and have more kids? I won’t have my loans paid off until my 40’s.

I wonder how much I could get for my kidney. How many kidneys do you actually need? This will probably cut into my drinking ability but that’ll save money to pay more student loans.

Meth is worth a lot of money and rednecks can figure out meth. I guess I should watch Breaking Bad again for some pointers. I wonder if I still have my syllabus from when I dropped Chemistry during syllabus week.

Maybe not meth. Way too risky. Sell other drugs? I could be like that lady from Weeds. Maybe blood and semen. No, not mixed together.

Start sleeping with sex-deprived fat chicks. Fat chicks need love too but they gotta pay.

How great would that be to win the lottery? I need to start playing the lottery.

I should start a GoFundMe. That racist pizza place got like $800,000.

I need to think of an invention or idea that would make a ton of money. I wonder if anyone’s ever thought of a Jump to Conclusions mat. Copyright.

I wish I tried harder in high school.

I can’t wait to go to sleep. Sleeping is the only time I don’t think about student loans. Unless it’s a dream about missing a loan payment. Kill me.

I wonder what would happen if I just stop paying for this.

At least I went to a state school I can’t imagine what those suckers at private school are paying. Probably nothing. Their parents could afford to send them to private school.

I wonder how slowly a car can be going to hit me on the way to work but not kill me. Sue those people out the ass. Live the high life.

I need to start going through stuff I don’t use and put it on eBay.

I wish I had stuff that could actually sell on eBay. No one wants my old Goosebumps or K’nex.

Which politician promises to end student loans? Hell, even a mandated lower rate would be great.

Google: paid for plasma. Rinse and repeat. I wonder if they have a limit.

Hey, some guy in Nigeria that knew my great uncle Olaf has some money for me. He should use some of that money for English lessons. He wants $1,000 to release me $1 million. That doesn’t seem very fair to him. Sucks though because all I have is $53.61 cents in my account and a Dunkin Donuts gift card. Imagine what I could do with a million dollars. Probably two chicks at the same time.

I hate baby boomers. Those bastards cleaned out everything and use all our tax dollars on Viagra. So much for leaving the world a better place for your children.

Thanks, Obama.

Image via Shutterstock

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I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.

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