20 Things I Learned In The First Year At My First Full-Time Job

British young graduate getting ready for first day new job and starting career in legal profession London UK

  1. PTO is precious. Don’t just blow that shit on just anything.
  2. Commuting was created by Satan himself.
  3. “CC me” is your boss’s way of babysitting you without having to personally interact with you.
  4. Monday morning staff meetings are a cruel form of punishment in which your boss will “delegate weekly responsibilities” (read: pass out bitch work he or she doesn’t feel like doing).
  5. If you have a computer manufactured after 2007, you hit the jackpot.
  6. You need to have a travel mug with an insurance agency or a bank logo on it to be taken seriously. If you work in a hospital, pharmaceutical companies are also acceptable.
  7. NEVER leave home without you phone AND your charger. Forgetting even one of the two will ruin your day and cause you severe psychological distress.
  8. Payday is the best day.
  9. Coworkers will regularly bring in food. Take a good look at your coworkers’ bodies. The choice is yours to make.
  10. You will have a love/hate relationship with IT.
  11. Every office has the fat sweaty guy with the candy dispenser. For the love of God, do not eat that candy.
  12. Heaphones + Spotify or Pandora = sanity
  13. Do not speak lest ye be spoken to. Seriously. There’s nothing management and senior employees hate more than the new kid with ideas. Get past your first year before establishing yourself as a “go-getter.”
  14. Fuck the go-getter. Chances are there will be at least one person within five years of graduation who feels the need to compete with you. This person will do whatever it takes to prove he or she is superior, even if it means kissing various asses.
  15. Nothing compares to the joy of early release days caused by a power outage or a system-wide crash.
  16. Perfect the art of Costanza-ing. It can be done.
  17. Your mentor will use you as an excuse to not do his or her own work. You know, because he or she was super busy mentoring you and shit.
  18. Team building exercises have not evolved past the summer camp activity level.
  19. Pace yourself. If you work too efficiently, you get more work than you have time to do. If you work too slowly, you get fired.
  20. It’s just a job. Make the most out of it for now, but keep your options open for the future.

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The semi grown-up version of a former pre-med student.

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