As you sit at the Thanksgiving table tomorrow, enjoying your turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes, you know it will happen – that uncomfortable moment when the focus turns to you and the questions start flowing. Why did you get that $200,000 degree to make less than a quarter of that? When are you finally going to put a ring on that nice girl’s finger? When are you going to meet a nice boy and settle down? Isn’t about time you moved out of your parents’ house?
Of course, these are all questions you don’t have the answers for, and since you are hemmed in at the table by your brother on one side and cousin Larry on the other, your natural instinct to flee is no good. Instead, the only choice you have is to deflect. Since it can be difficult to think when your brain is slowed down by tryptophan, here are some prompts that you can use to move the conversation off you and onto less painful topics.
“Did anyone see what happened on (insert name of Shonda Rhimes show here)?” (This will work well on the women of your family)
“I think I have e-coli from eating at Chipotle.”
“Did Adnan do it?”
“That Putin dude is one crazy bastard, huh?
“Did you guys hear that (insert name of relative not present) is making porn now?”
“Has anyone watched Master of None yet?”
“Honestly, I think that whole climate change thing is bullshit.”
“I’m pretty sure Tom Brady knew about those deflated footballs.” (Maybe this only works at my house?)
“Hey Grandpa, what do you think about Caitlyn Jenner?”
“I think this turkey is a little dry, Mom.”
“Has anyone seen that video of girls dropping condoms on their heads ? Pretty sure that proves that Cousin Jamie’s baby wasn’t an accident…”
“At least I haven’t fucked up my career as bad as Johnny Manziel.”
“Donald Trump has some cool thoughts on immigration.”
“Guess what, (insert name of child at table) – there is no Santa Claus!”
“Who wants to go see Creed after dinner?”
“Seriously, isn’t it time for Peyton Manning to retire?”
“Starbucks is trying to kill Christmas !”
“Anyone have any thoughts on how to defeat ISIS?”
“You know what I’m really thankful for this year? Xanax. And vodka.”
If all else fails, just have Adele’s new album cued up and ready to go on your phone. Works every time. .
Image via YouTube