17 Reasons Why I Deleted Snapchat And Why You Should, Too

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I deleted Snapchat about a month ago. It was an impulse decision. It happened when I was sitting at a red light with the windows down, and I saw a Volkswagen Jetta full of teenage girls trying to take a video snap of the whatever Rihanna song was on the radio. They looked ridiculous and were still failing as the light turned green. I love Rihanna as much as the next guy, but looking back, I’m still pleased with my decision as I watch my friends around me continue to use the app. I hopped on the Snapchat train during spring break last year, which was probably the worst timing ever, because I naturally assumed the app was all about boobs, hot selfies of girls about to go out, and filthy hot messages included in the text bar that are erased forever. The excitement lasted up until graduation from the college bubble, and it abruptly ended overnight. Now, Snapchat has crumbled into a boobless, bored-at-work wasteland of food, stupid faces, and domesticated animals. Eventually, Snapchat is going to bring someone down; there will be headlines such as “Congressman Resigns” or “16-Year-Old Girl Drives Off Road While Recording A Selfie.” I took myself out of the game, but you better believe I committed most of these violations.

  1. Screenshots.
  2. I normally just text pictures to my friends. You don’t need a separate app for bro-ing out.
  3. Men don’t take selfies.
  4. I don’t care about your pet. If you send me a picture of an animal, at least be at the zoo or in a tropical rainforest.
  5. I definitely don’t care what you are eating. (It got especially funny when overweight friends would snap me pictures of salads…what a joke.)
  6. You being at happy hour makes me hate my life. I don’t want to see your $2.50 margarita. Only send me pictures of your drinks if they’re being set on fire or being spewed onto a street corner at 1 a.m.
  7. You look like a moron. People taking selfies look very silly in real life, and exponentially more idiotic whenever a “duck face” is made. I took hundreds of selfies when I had Snapchat, so no proclamations of innocence from me. I’m sure I looked equally dumb. I’m just saying it needs to stop. Maybe the duck face was once cute. Once. A long time ago.
  8. Concert snaps are lame. Instead of snapping me a 10-second clip of every song Nickelback plays, why not just take an actual video of them playing your favorite song, keep it forever, and enjoy the rest of the concert in person without your technology?
  9. Club or bar snaps are even worse. Put your phone away.
  10. My mom started snapping me. Any time your parents start using whatever you’re using, it’s probably not that cool anymore. This rule applies equally to drugs and alcohol, by the way.
  11. Nothing actually disappears.
  12. Drunk snaps are worse than drunk texts. Way worse.
  13. Figuring out what you sent in drunk snaps is almost impossible, and very often, humiliating.
  14. Fat fingers. The margin of error between tapping the little bubble for Chris (best friend) and Christina (ex-girlfriend) is razor thin. Definitely burned a bridge or two, completely on accident.
  15. My most frequent snaps were of me sitting at my desk. It was silently shameful.
  16. I noticed that 90 percent of my snaps were going to dudes.
  17. Just like with Angry Birds, Words With Friends, and Tinder, I’m over it. I haven’t deleted Tinder, though. I just can’t bring myself to do it.

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California guy coming to you live from the Mile High City. I enjoy weekend day drinking, handing out my business cards, and ordering pizza while hungover. I do not enjoy "working through lunch", folding laundry, or small domesticated animals that evolution should have stamped out long ago. Chipotle will be catered at my wedding. Feel free to call me out on Twitter. Division II grad.

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