15 Things I Would Do If I Were An Escaped Convict

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You can’t turn on a TV or look at the Internet this week without seeing the story of convicted-murderers-turned-prison-escapees Richard Matt and David Sweat. The pair broke out of Clinton Correctional Facility in New York this past weekend by cutting through a steel wall, breaking through bricks and crawling through a steam pipe before emerging through a manhole outside the prison grounds. Also, because they are apparently smartasses, they left behind a post-it telling corrections officers to “Have A Nice Day!” Rumor has it that Matt and Sweat are on foot in the wilderness somewhere in New York or Vermont, or even Canada.

Now, when they are caught — which of course they will be — odds are that neither man will see the light of day again. So that got me thinking: what would I do if I was on the run and these were my last days of freedom?

Take a bubble bath. I’m pretty sure there aren’t bathtubs in prison.

Order a pizza. Given what the typical prison menu looks like, I may never eat again. Gotta carbo-load now.

Wear my highest pair of heels. The 4-inch stiletto on those beauties could definitely be considered a dangerous weapon.

And my best outfit. Having to wear an orange jumpsuit for the rest of my life is the worst form to torture that could be inflicted upon me. Orange totally washes me out.

Learn How To Make Prison Wine. Apparently this is actually a thing. And you know that girlfriend can’t live without her vino. Now, exactly how many cans of fruit cocktail do you think I can smuggle in my bra?

See Pitch Perfect 3. I don’t think they are fans of a cappella in the big house. Plus, there’s definitely no movie popcorn.

Read all of my back issues of Martha Stewart Living. The woman spent five months in the clink. I’m betting she’s dropping some clues on how to survive in her magazine. Or at least how to make a decent face scrub out of orange rinds and peach pits.

Order another pizza. Maybe pepperoni this time?

Get My Highlights Done. Have you seen pictures of Teresa Giudice’s hair since she went to jail? It looks like her roots have been colored in with a Sharpie.

Make One Last Visit To Say Goodbye To All of My Favorite Places. Farewell, favorite bar. Cheerio, Chipotle. Adios, outlet mall.

And People. See you, Starbucks Barista. It was nice knowing you, Manicure Lady. Ciao, Chinese Food Delivery Guy.

Ask My Mom for Money. It used to be for rent, and now it will be for the prison commissary. The more things change, the more they stay the same, right?

Binge Watch The New Season of Orange is The New Black. You know, for tips.

And The L-Word. If lady sex is the only sex I’m going to be getting, I better learn some techniques.

Make Sure My Makeup is On Point. The authorities are probably closing in by now, and I don’t want to be one of those people whose mugshot gets mocked on the Internet.

Okay, I’m ready now. Lock me up and throw away the key. Wait, there’s Wi-Fi in my cell, right? .

Image via YouTube

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.

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