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It’s almost fall, and the seasonal change is a great time to reveal a brand new identity you just made up over the summer. Sure, some people get a new haircut, grow facial hair, or gain or lose 20 pounds. But fuck all that shit. Borrrrring. All you really need are a pack of iron-on letters or a Sharpie and some blank T-shirts or hats. Then it’s time to get to work on your homemade gear that lets everyone know what you’re really all about.
It’s a tough time to stick out in the crowd with a great graphic. Everything has either been used or played out, so DIY is definitely the way to go.
Here are some great new slogans to get you started. Whether you’re at work, in school, or at the bar, they’re guaranteed to let everyone know that there’s a new style sheriff in town. (I’m giving these away totally free, but you can thank me if you make one and get any compliments or fuck action: @pizzanachos69.) Now, go get stylin’!
1. “YOU FUCKED MY MOM” (Classic comedy with a twist.)
2. “BURRITO BODY FUELED WITH A BUDWEISER DICK” (This is just a straight up cool T-shirt.)
3. “MORE LIKE LESS COWBELL, ASSHOLE” (Totally burns any motherfucker with a “more cowbell” on. Right in his fucking face.)
4. “SHITTY STORY, BRO. BETTER LOCK YOUR DOORS LATER. YOU WASTE MY TIME? I END YOURS. IN YOUR SLEEP. I’M SERIOUS.” (I think this one speaks for itself.)
5. “MAYONNAISE SLAVE WANTED. INQUIRE WITHIN.” (This is a real think piece, but everyone’s own personal visual will really get stuck in his or her head.)
6. “I’M WITH FARTED.” (With an arrow pointing at your dick or vagina. Like, whaaaaat?)
7. “KEEP CALM AND THROW THE UNDERWEAR YOU ACCIDENTALLY SHARTED IN INTO THE TOILET TANK, THEN GO BACK TO THE PARTY LIKE EVERYTHING’S TOTALLY COOL.” (Specific, but we’ve all been there. It’s relatable.)
8. “MY BOSS IS A SLOPPY, FAT CUNT” (Perfect for casual Friday if your boss is a guy. That fucking turd will never get the joke.)
9. “I WIPE FROM BACK TO FRONT FTW” (Great for striking up a conversation with chicks who like poopy nuts or guys who dig a rank lady zone.)
10. “I WAS BORNED IN A TOILET AT ARBY’S” (Might want to check with Arby’s for copyright issues on this one. Don’t want a legal issue.)
11. Draw the Batman logo, then underneath it, write, “COCAINE.” (Anyone is understandably going to leave the bar with a person wearing this shirt expecting to have the best night of his or her life.)
12. “I’D RATHER BE TUGGIN’ ONE DOWN TO YOUR BIKINI PICS ON FACEBOOK.” (Social media mixed with subtle truth is always a hit.)
13. “#1 BANGBUS GRANDMA” (Makes a great gift for Grandma. Stupid ol’ Grandma, you have no idea what it means!)
14. “GIRL, I WANNA BE YOUR TOILET PAPER.” (Then add an iron-on photo of Ryan Gosling to show the babes you’re sensitive.)
Respond
Mike Burns
Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."
@pizzanachos69
@pizzanachos69
Burns, if you did less than five lines of coke before writing this, I’ll be disappointed.
All classics. Chicks dig honesty, you guys.
Every time you write an article I hope it’s at a higher intelligence level than K money in his ‘Maro. I am disappointed every time.
Poopy nuts.
14. Real panty peeler.
I would actually wear #11.