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Still drinking your patriotic blues down with some good, cheap, made in America beer after that game on Sunday? Still trying to understand why anyone would care about a game that believes ties are an end result? Well, get your shit together and leave the past in the past, because USA will face off with Germany this Thursday. What is that, you say? The game is at NOON on a WORK DAY? (If you’re an East Coaster, that is.) Thanks for nothing, FIFA. But fear not, for as blasphemous as this seems, you can still do your part and get out of work to watch USA give a good, old, ass whoopin’ to yet another lesser-than country. Here’s how:
- Schedule a “dentist appointment” for an hour before kick off and head to the bars. When you get back to work, play off the 12-American-beers-buzz as an overdose of Novocaine.
- Hack the office playlist with a loop of Colbie Caillat. Smoke everyone out of the office like they’re a bunch of moles living under your deck.
- Asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission, so simply forget to go to work. Be sure to bring a batch of bagels and schmear the next day. (Get the good Panera kind if you’re really concerned about keeping your job.)
- Adopt a kid, put it in school, and say you need to go pick up your sick child from school. Kick back on the couch and hope they didn’t accidently give you a German baby. Pray to God you can give the thing back on Friday.
- Convert to a religion where Thursdays are the holy Sabbath. There has to be one out there.
- Stream the game from your computer and tell all the naysayers that it’s really a spreadsheet. Insist that they’re crazy when they say to you, “Are you shitting me? There is clearly a soccer game on your computer.”
- If you’re a lady and your boss is a man, call in sick with cramps. He will want no further explanation, and he may even give you a few days off because he’s so uncomfortable.
- Show up to work absolutely tanked on Thursday morning. Get yourself fired and blow the severance pay at the bar, buying rounds of American Flag shots for everyone.
- If you’re a man and your boss is a lady, tell her your girlfriend is having bad cramps and you want to stay home and rub her feet. She’ll empathize with your girlfriend and think highly of you. Double win.
- Take a sledgehammer to a couple pipes and flood the damn place. Try to be discreet with this one, because, you know, damage to company property, lawyers, and what not. I’d like to call this one the “olé-d off.”
- Threaten to not vaccinate your future children and therefore kill off the country if you aren’t allowed to take off a few extra hours for America.
- Use one of the office mega-printers to print off a life-size picture of yourself. Tape it to your chair and sneak out the back door.
- Just say fuck it and ask your boss if he or she wants to go watch the game with you. Chances are, your boss is thinking the same damn thing.
There you have it, folks. Now go put on your Back To Back World War Champs tank and remind Germany who’s boss yet again.