We get a lot of emails. Like, a lot. 90% of them are just “Tell Dorn to suck one” or Steve Holt death threats, but every once in a while we get a gem where some dude tells a story about how his boy had to dump his girlfriend because he caught her drunkenly going down on another chick. This is one of those emails.
For obvious reasons, we’re honoring all anonymity here because I’m not in the business of ruining people’s lives because of their drunken decisions. That would come back to bite me in a huge way.
It was your typical Thursday night. I left the office a few minutes after 5 and made my way home. Earlier that day I decided my move was to go play cards with some co-workers and throw back a few beers. When my roommate (let’s refer to him as “John”) declined the invite to come along, I had to question what he had better to do than play cards, drink beer and partake in the classic banter that goes on during a good old fashioned boys night. He let me know that he was attending a birthday party for one of his girlfriend’s (let’s refer to her as “Laura”) co-workers. I took it in stride as I’ve grown accustomed to him being a little bitch, and told him to have fun and that I would see him the next day. The night proceeded on with a 6 pack down, 30 bucks lost and home by 11:30, which I really could not have been more thrilled about. After doing the usual nightly tasks I went to bed with hopes of a good night’s sleep and a smooth Friday in the office. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
2:17AM rolls around and I am shaken awake by what sounds like a rather large pack of girls entering my apartment screaming about how they love each other and how much fun they had. You know, typical drunk, white girl babbling, but I do not hear John’s voice at all. It should be noted that John, Laura and myself now all live together in a 3 bedroom apartment after Laura moved in about 3 months ago. Up until this point, I have never heard a peep from them at any hour I would determine to be unreasonable and there has only been one time they’ve felt the need to tell me and a guest to STFU after being a little too loud, a little too late. So I wasn’t all that upset knowing I’ve been that asshole before but, I would also consider myself a pretty accepting person. People get drunk, they get loud, and sober people don’t like it. It’s a vicious circle we all deal with.
Things started to really liven up in the living room as I laid there contemplating on whether or not I should go out and join the party, throw some headphones in, or go politely ask them to take it down a notch. I went with option 2 and began drifting off to sleep until I was again woken up, this time by the sound of John telling Laura to “come here.” After a stern talking to she attempted to quiet down the turn up which was surprisingly effective as one of the girls ordered an Uber so they could get home. After frantically searching for phones and purses that had to have been right in front of their faces, the majority of the ladies made their way out. All but one, that is.
Realizing that the party had finally died down to a muffled conversation I put my headphones on the night stand, double checked my alarm, and again drifted off to sleep. Yet again I was woken up only this time to a sound that I was familiar with hearing about 2 minutes at a time followed by a “you’re done already?”. It was rather loud moaning coming from our living room only I didn’t recognize the voice as Laura’s. Having the curious brain that I do, I deducted it was one of two options: 1. My dirty dog of a roommate, John somehow swindled a 3-some from Laura and her friend after they felt bad for keeping him up (not likely) or 2. I was dealing with a drunk horny chick who now felt the need to take herself to the promised land on our couch before passing out. Oh how wrong I was again.
After deciding enough was enough, it was time to see what, or who, had this mystery girl all hot and bothered. As I opened the door to my room John stepped out of his at the exact same time (I knew he didn’t have the #swag to pull off a 3-way) so we make our way to the living room. We were baffled to see what appeared to be Laura passed out on the floor and the friend passed out on the couch. By this point we were both too tired to tell the friend to quit acting like she was asleep and get out so we went back to our rooms with the hope that us walking out there would end the escapade. Now, it couldn’t have been more than two minutes after we both closed our doors that we hear the excitement heating up again. After deciding we would be completely silent and catch the serial bean flicker in action, we tip-toed our way to the living room. What we saw next was shocking to say the least. Down on all fours was Laura, with a mouth full of muff and her friend sitting legs spread wide open on the couch loving every second of it.
I quickly came to the realization that this wasn’t a situation I needed to be a part of, so while holding back laughter and a slight chub, I made my way back into my room to hear what would unfold. John told the friend it was time for her to get the fuck out, to which she quickly obliged. “Are you serious” was uttered multiple times over the next few minutes and was quickly met with the typical “I swear I’ve never done this before” until I finally heard her door slam. John then knocked on my door, came in and asked me what in the actual fuck just happened, and on the spot said he was breaking up with her and left back to his room. I have yet to talk to either one of them today. It was just supposed to be typical Thursday night.
Everyone’s gotta get theirs, I guess. Me? I get uncomfortable if I walk into a room and a girl is crying, so I have no clue how I would’ve handled that particular situation.
Actually, I probably would’ve muttered “are you serious” like these guys did, because that’s literally what I said after reading the story in the first place. The internet is a wonderful place. .
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