Why Bonnaroo 2014 Is Going To Be The Be All, End All Of Music Festivals


In case you somehow missed the multiple updates from your college friends on a victory lap, Bonnaroo just announced the 2014 lineup–and dear God, it is amazing. Jack White. Kanye West. Vampire Weekend. ELTON FUCKING JOHN. And that’s only half of the headliners. For one (bank-breaking) ticket, you get to see so many current and future Rock and Roll Hall of Famers that I guarantee Jack Black and Kyle Gass will attempt to take back the pick of destiny in Manchester, Tenn., this June.

I know what you’re thinking: but I already got tickets to Coachella or Hangout or CounterPoint or Governor’s Ball or whatever, and that shit was expensive. How am I supposed to afford Bonnaroo tickets with my limited earnings and few (or no) vacation days?

The short answer: I don’t know. I bought my Hangout ticket the day the lineup came out, and I experienced the roughest case of deja vu since Denzel chased a murderer with that nerdy guy from “Dazed and Confused.”

I don’t know if you’ve seen this brain-bending piece of analytics from the good people over at Grantland, but the major music festivals in America all tend to pick the same acts. OutKast is headlining every festival, and acts like Childish Gambino, Jack Johnson, Chance the Rapper, and Foster the People are travelling from festival to festival like a band of gypsies this summer.

I also know the next question that you’re begging to ask: what makes Bonnaroo so special? A lot of those acts will be there, too. My answer? Yeah they will, but this is the festival where ALL of them will be there. Some top tier acts even take demotions on the poster, giving up the penthouse spot just to appear on the same bill with this legendary collection of talent. I mean, just look at this Bonnaroo poster. You see line five, as in the one nowhere near headliner status? Yeah, that’s Lauryn Hill. THE Lauryn Hill.

In fact, the only major artist you DON’T see on there is OutKast. The two probably had the good sense to realize if they want people to pay attention to them, they shouldn’t go to a festival where they’re just another best album Grammy winner in the lineup.

While this lineup is fantastic, it hides the true genius of Bonnaroo. The festival didn’t rush its lineup–it just made the seemingly never-ending list of performers so good that every music fan out there immediately had the thought, “FUCK MY RENT, FUCK MY CAR, FUCK MY JOB, I NEED THIS TICKET.” Bonnaroo decided not to compete with all the other festivals, and because of that, they are, once again, going to crush the music festival scene. In other words, it’s 1982, Bonnaroo is Michael Jackson, and “Thriller” dropped today.

Currently, I’m stuck with a Hangout ticket and some PTO reserved for that weekend in May, but if you haven’t gotten a music festival ticket yet, do yourself a favor and skip the bars this weekend. Buy that ticket, and go see the coolest fucking collection of artists out there this year. And while you’re at it, do me a favor and send me some videos.

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Traffic rapper. Casual binge drinker. Trivia wizard. Office new guy.

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