What Your College Degree Says About You

What Your College Degree Says About You

Choosing your college major. Some of us made the practical decision and studied something STEM related, some of us studied “what we loved” and a handful of us took the traditional “Business Undeclared” route and hoped our Dad’s Greek connections would pay off. Whatever it was, we chose to study during those booze-filled four years (or in my case five), our degree of choice generally had a pretty significant impact on our career prospects and says a decent bit about who we are as people. Here’s to hoping you chose something that could pay off those student loans.


“Accountants are the Hufflepuffs of corporate America.” You’re not a risk-taker and to be quite frank, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, your college degree is an investment (a damn expensive one) and a decent paying job in accounting is generally a sure thing. Yeah, you may have the social skills of Kevin Malone or the (not so) fun side of Angela Martin, but everybody needs a numbers guy. There’s a good chance that you’ll probably hate your job, but at least you’ll have a nice car.


Let’s be honest, these were some of the weirdest kids you met in college. What you do with a philosophy degree, I have zero idea, but we all have to ask ourselves life’s big questions. “Why are we here, what is our purpose, why does God hate Cubs fans?”. Generally these were the kids who rocked the meanest neck beards, wore the thickest framed glasses, and spent their Friday nights smoking hookah in the quad while discussing globalization’s impact on Eastern cultures. Philosophy majors have often become the “modern day hipster”, the deep thinking hobo look-alike who you’ve come to know as he takes your order at the local Starbucks each morning.

Political Science

I plead the fifth. This was my major of the choice, the first of many bad decisions that marked my college experience. Like many political science majors, I joined my political club of choice (College Republicans, obviously), quoted Frank Underwood on a daily basis, and bullshitted papers for the bulk of my college experience. It’s no secret this isn’t the most marketable of degrees. While most take on six figures of debt and gamble on becoming a lawyer, others fetch coffee for their local congressman. I thank God every day I lucked into a salary job with benefits considering the questionable nature of this degree.

Art History

Well shit, this one’s tough to recover from. My buddy once struck up a conversation with an Art History major at the bar, promptly asking her, “What restaurant do you plan on waitressing at after graduation?” Most of the Art History majors I knew in college were exactly what you would expect: hippies. I’m all for art, I could make a mean papier-mâché back in middle school, but trying to make a career out of colored pencils and pastels seems like risky business.

Oh, and if anyone was wondering, Applebee’s was the answer to my friend’s bourbon-induced question.

Marketing/Public Relations

Ninety percent of the people that work in this field seem to be women (eighty percent of which seem to be attractive), so it doesn’t take an engineering grad to know those are good odds. This is sorority girl central, I can’t tell you how many blonde-haired bombshells I saw tabling for the PR club at my alma mater, I would’ve thought Tri-Delt was promoting their yearly pancake breakfast if I went off of looks alone. If I were to do it all over again this would’ve been a great minor, for the eye candy if nothing else.


Probably the best degree you could have these days, I would’ve gone this route in a heartbeat if I understood the Greek alphabet outside of my basic pledging duties. The ratio in this major was pretty brutal for the fellas, because even if you could find a girl in your class she still probably had the personality of well, an engineer. In all seriousness I had a few roommates who studied this stuff and all have gone on to do pretty well for themselves, a revenge of the nerds type deal, more or less.


You’re probably a stoner. I mean let’s be honest here, who gets a degree in Botany without moving to rural Oregon with the intent of growing enough green to sustain the local high school crowd? As a matter of fact, I would venture to guess that most of the people graduating with botany degrees also pursue a double major in pharmacy, if you catch my drift. With marijuana on the cusp of legalization across the country, expect this degree to have a “high” return on investment in the next few years.


God bless your soul. Coming from a family of teachers myself, I can attest to the difficulty of this field. I actually considered becoming an educator for a while before working a summer as a camp counselor and realizing I could hardly teach the youth how to roast a marshmallow, let alone long division and the periodic table. I’m eternally grateful for the teachers who dealt with my bullshit as a kid and it takes a special person to deal with children all day, especially in the age of six year olds with iPhones and overbearing parents. Keep on fighting the good fight, friends.


Good call, you did some research before you chose what degree to pursue. You’re probably a go-getter who idolizes Mark Cuban (because, well, don’t we all?) and watches CNBC when you’re not trading stocks or contributing to your Roth IRA. We all have a finance guy that we call for stock advice or how to best roll over your 401k, they’re essential to every #squad. Keep on making all of us look broke as shit, old pal.


If I didn’t know any better I would speculate that there’s a few coworkers in my own office who hold this degree. You’re probably a less endearing version of Andy Bernard from “The Office” who may or may not be making unwise decisions based off of “your dreams.” I lived with one of these goobers during my freshman year and I’m convinced he’s still running around NYC hoping to stumble ass-backwards onto the set of The Book Of Mormon. Cut your losses and settle for improv class after the ole’ 9-5, bud.

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When I'm not complaining about the traffic, you'll find me at the local Applebees.

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