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What’s worse than an overweight piece of trash stuffing fried food down their gullet while binge watching Making A Murderer? An overweight piece of trash that had the audacity to finally sign up for a gym membership in January. Ugh, gross.
You knew it was coming. The massive onslaught of resolutioners invading your personal gym, sweating bullets all over your personal elliptical, and throwing up embarrassingly light weights on your personal bench. Who are these people, and besides spitting on them and rolling your eyes, how should you respond?
Maybe you should try tolerating them this year. I know, I know. Tolerating something isn’t nearly as fun as dropping a nuke on Facebook calling out all the blobs of peasant scum that dared to better themselves this year for invading your temple. There’s nowhere to park, dammit! But just because you tolerate something doesn’t mean you have to like it. It really doesn’t.
Do they drop $43.50 per month and have a little tag on their keychain that the dweeb at the front desk never even scans? Yes. But other than that, they are nothing like you. They are not the finely-tuned machine that you are. The gym is your home, and it always has been. We saw you check in there, and you even told us how hard your workout was. Thanks. Everyone knows you pulled yourself out of your mother’s womb using your baby lats and biceps. Fitness has always been a way of life.
Now, it’s going to be tough for you. Sharing a gym with pond scum sounds terrible. I’m sure that circuit routine you saw in Men’s Health that requires you to use seven different pieces of gym equipment consecutively with no rest may get interrupted by some father of three that had a stint put in last year who wants to live to meet his grandkids. What an asshole. It’s almost like he doesn’t realize you’re training for a Tough Mudder and you need to look hot when you’re covered in mud shirtless wearing a viking helmet. But maybe you don’t have to tell us how this basically ruined your life, though.
Think you can let it slide this year?
What I’m asking you to do may be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Yes, you will have to find a way to let us all know you’re a real gym rat other than complaining about the undesirables that had the balls to try and not die a fat and humiliating death, but you can manage. I know it will be tempting to not-so-subtly inform Facebook how fit you are by posting that “All the machines are taken by these resolutioners that will just be gone in a month!!!!” but be strong.
This country is fat as fuck. Three-quarters of American men and over 60 percent of American women are overweight. I feel like that’s a lot, but who knows? Either way, maybe you can learn to live with them much like Jesus lived amongst the poor and the unclean. They’ll be gone soon anyway..
Image via YouTube / Buff Dudes
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
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david@grandex.co
I’m happy to stay out of the gym if gym rats stay out of our bars and restaurants.
My New Years resolution this year was to ruin as many New Years resolutions of other people as possible. I’m off to a great start.
Acting on your username I see. I like it.
It’s a lifestyle that I’m very dedicated to.
Sometimes, I come to PGP to complain like an asshole.
And sometimes, I come to PGP to be reminded to stop complaining like an asshole.
I don’t care that the gym is crowded for the first 2-6 weeks of the year. Kudos to anyone who wants to live a healthier lifestyle and I wish them the best of luck. Honestly my biggest problem with the NYR crowd is they don’t ask for help and wind up hurting themselves or breaking equipment, as well as the fact that at least 75% will give up by mid February. But them being locked in a year long contract and not showing up covers the cost of maintenance and overhead, so thanks for keeping my gym membership low I guess?
Your picture doesn’t match your name… I haven’t decided if it bothers me yet.
I don’t care about their newness. Main issue is that they are clueless as to gym etiquette. Don’t sit on a bench that someone else may actually use for 15 minutes playing on your phone. Re-rack. Take dumbbells from the rack and move elsewhere, don’t stand directly in front of the dumbbells while doing your 20 pound curls, and so forth. Say what you will about crossfit, but newbs learn etiquette before they touch a weight. Yeah I mentioned crossfit positively, bring on your downvotes you jiggly fuckers.
Sadly at my gym, it’s the individuals who go the most who observe proper gym etiquette the least. We have the opposite problem in people think they don’t have to pick up after themselves because they’re “regulars.”
I’m with you. I hate the people who stand directly in front of dumbbells while using them. It makes ME feel bad for trying to get whatever dumbbells I need, even though THEY are so rudely in the way.
Darwinism.
the more entitled someone is at the gym…the less income they make.
So you don’t think the bros in their cut-offs carrying around their duffel bags make six figs?
Don’t forget the gallon of water with that duffel bag!
hey man I use that gallon so I dont die in the sauna
Something has to pay for the supps
My question is what’s wrong with the cut off and duffel bag image? If I have no problem with the newbies coming in and am courteous when having to work around them then why should I be judged for being that guy?
I just don’t go to the gym. I’ve got a pull up bar, some free weights and floor space. Avoiding people is underrated.
Amen. If someone is in there trying to make their life better and you make fun of them because they’re in your way or don’t know what they’re doing, YOU are the real gym douche.
Its an unsolvable problem everyone lives with until February. 11 out of 12 isn’t bad.
“that circuit routine you saw in Men’s Health that requires you to use seven different pieces of gym equipment consecutively with no rest” <fuck this guy. Hey bro, didn't you see my towel on that? Asshat.