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I sat on my couch last Saturday night dejected and angry as I watched an inferior college football team celebrate an overtime win over my favorite team. It set the tone for the rest of the night, too, because I sulked around and told anyone that would listen how my team is trash this year. I complained about how I had to do it all over again the next day when my Detroit Lions were set to play. I’ve resigned myself to the Lions being the doormat of the National Football League, but that never stops me from plopping down on my couch once a week to watch them invent new ways to lose games.
It was while I sat on my friend’s kitchen counter with a very stiff vodka-soda that I realized something: I don’t have to watch this shit. No one is forcing me to sit down and have heart palpitations from watching people play games, which, in the grand scheme of things are fruitless endeavors.
Think about this for a second. You don’t have to curl up into a ball on your couch every Saturday with one hand down your sweatpants and your other hand clutching a Miller Lite. There’s no reason for you to make yourself sit through hours and hours of commercial breaks. You could hit the gym. You could go to the grocery store. You could be out at a patio having a day-drinking session with your friends. Sure, those football games will still be on, but it’d merely be background noise while you try to get that blonde’s number who has made eye contact with you one too many times for it to be coincidental. And you know what that girl definitely doesn’t care about? Football.
It’s not that I hate football or sports in general, but even the biggest matchup between, let’s say two top five teams, probably isn’t going to get really good until the last ten minutes or so. Take for instance the Clemson-Louisville game from last Saturday. If you gave me the choice between laying down on a couch to watch Casino or that game, I’m choosing Bobby De Niro and Sharon Stone ten times out of ten from here on out. Life is too short to waste it getting riled up over the result of a sports match.
It’s not just college football, though. It’s professional basketball. It’s hockey, golf, and tennis, too. There are just other things that I’d rather be doing with my time than watching a live sports event. I understand that there is always a chance for high drama in live-action televised sporting events. But at this point in my life I need something more than that.
I already know what you’re going to tell me. “Well, that just means you’re not a sports fan.” But I am a sports fan. Watching sports on my television turns me into someone I don’t like so I need to stop. If you want to lump me into a category with people who don’t know the difference between an endzone and a blue line I won’t get offended. I’m just not feeling it anymore, though. And by “it” I mean sports in general. “You’re fair weather. I bet you’d be watching if your teams were actually good.” I could sit here and tell you things would be different if my teams were winning consistently but I don’t think that is the case. I just can’t help but look at all of it as a colossal waste of time.
I’ve let one too many football or basketball games played by twenty-year-olds ruin weeks of my life and I’m fed up with it. Nothing short of a death in the family, a breakup, or finding out that you have an STI should do what sports are doing to me. I invested way too much of my life into sports matches and I’m done with it. It’s onto movies and music and enjoying things that don’t turn me into a babbling, red-faced psychopath.
I think about how my life would be infinitely easier if I could just tune out sports entirely and while I know that this is probably going to be a lot like quitting cigarettes, that is exactly what I intend to do. I was at a bar with a platonic girlfriend one Sunday afternoon and we looked over at a table of forty-somethings with NFL jerseys on. They were transfixed by the action on the screen, screaming and pounding their fists on the table in between bites of buffalo wings. I know that group all too well, because I’ve been one of them on several occasions.
“Is that what I look like when I’m watching football?”
“I mean, yeah, not as old. But yeah. That’s pretty much it right there.”
I know I look like an idiot when I’m watching one of my teams play. I don’t want to be sitting in a bar with a jersey on when I’m 40 years old still screaming at television sets. It’s time to find something else to occupy my free time. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
You’re fair weather. I bet you’d be watching if your teams were actually good.
Will, spitting hot fire!
With that said Duda, I suggest you become a fan of the Yankees, Warriors, Patriots, and Crimson Tide.
Alabama Football and Kentucky Basketball
Roll Tide. Still nervous about Hurts though
Too bad UK can’t beat IU.
Yanks haven’t been good since 09. Keep up
yeah IU is totally relevant
Red Wings are trash, Will. Trash!
We’ve got to get you out of this funk, Duda. Have you thought about seeing a professional? Not a therapist, but like a hooker?
Can we please stop with the “Girls hate sports” rhetoric? It’s tired, and Drunk Cartographer and I already had to put one idiot misogynist in his place already this week.
Also, congrats for hating fun.
Sup?
Girls are funny, get over it
Underrated comment.
Agreed. I don’t think guys get how annoying it is when they hit us with those condescending trivia questions to make sure we actually watch a sport.
My girlfriend cares more about her fantasy football teams than I do, all girls definitely don’t hate em. Kept me up until 1am last night debating between Stefon Diggs and Marvin Jones
Jones. Also, marry her.
I prefer Diggs long term, haven’t checked who they’re each playing this week though. And yeah, not a bad one to hold onto.
To all the girls on this thread that like sports: sup?
Where in this article did I say anything about girls not being allowed to like sports?
It’s not about not being allowed to. It’s that in a lot of articles, girls are portrayed as being the sports-hating chicks at the bar who wouldn’t know the first thing about 2 pt conversions. You made a simple statement in your article that was kinda more the icing on the cake- which is what set off the resentments stated above.
I couldn’t have said it better.
I think the reason this is portrayed in a lot of articles is because more often than not it’s the case. If I had to put numbers on it, I’d venture to guess greater than 50% of women have little/no interest in sports. Generalities help to escalate the dialogue, there are always exceptions to the rule (as seen by the ladies commenting on this thread). JD just being JD in making his comment more snarky than the normal person
The hypothetical hot blonde on the patio comment is getting blown out of proportion. Women, right?
“Sure, those football games will still be on, but it’d merely be background noise while you try to get that blonde’s number who has made eye contact with you one too many times for it to be coincidental. And you know what that girl definitely doesn’t care about? Football.”
Completely agree. I love football, and it’s annoying how guys are still surprised by that.
Girls don’t hate sports, but a lot of girls (even those who like them) don’t understand them. Especially football since the vast majority of girls have never played. Stats, Matchups (aka Fantasy) are easier. But most girls will never understand things like “Sam, Mike and Will” and how plays actually break down. Still a misogynistic point of view and girls like you are important to calling stupid guys out on their shit (so thank you!). But I’m also kind of tired of being offended by this… I’ll turn in my girl card now.
Sup if you know the difference between a 0tech and a 1tech
0tech is your nose tackle, right? Lines up on Center, tries to collapse the pocket?
Okay, I agree, girls don’t hate sports; they just don’t understand them.
Ah yes, I forgot it takes a penis to understand any rules involving balls. Thanks for the correction. Silly me. Guess I’ll go darn my husband’s socks
I didn’t think that was the reason, but now that you say that it makes a lot of sense considering that essentially all refs are men.
so the NBA female ref and the NFL female ref arent real refs then I guess?
go be sad and homeless dumbass
So, essentially all NBA and NFL refs are men? Shit, I was just making stuff up, and then you had to bring supporting facts into play.
way to sum up all other far left/right idiot arguments
Are you kidding me?!?! We don’t understand them? The past 2 years I’ve finished second in my fantasy baseball league. I’m the only female in the 10 person league. I’m so over this thought that women can’t know just as much or more than men about sports. Fine if your lady friends don’t, but please stop lumping all women into that group. Also, no I don’t want your unsolicited advice on my fantasy team.
“Are you kidding me?!?!” Yep, don’t second guess yourself.
During at some point during every game ever:
Wife – “Wait. Why’d they do that?”
Me – “I don’t feel like explaining it.”
Maybe she’d know more if you explained it when she’s asking questions, instead of brushing her off.
Have you ever tried to explain a balk to someone who knows nothing about baseball?
Yes, to a Jays fan on Saturday after their pitcher balked in a run.
Well that’s easily explainable. Canadians, male or female, are idiots
But then how would he get to complain and stereotype all women into one category?!
Look what you did, Duda. You’ve brought this mess upon us.
I gave a very specific example, not a stereotype, Sassy. Also, you do realize that people sometimes exaggerate in their comments, right?
She does not.
Wonder who’s downvoting us…….
I am
Man Lies to Create Content, Inspiring Comments Section That Is Better Than The Article.
I’d probably say that too if I was a Michigan fan and the Tigers just missed out on the playoffs, the Red Wings have no hope to compete (and lost Datsyuk), Megatron just skipped town because he was sick of losing, and the Pistons…are the Pisstons
Just chill out, man.
Just like that time you said you weren’t gonna text your ex, right?
No you’re not. Didn’t read the column but no, no you’re not.
Is this an article of the levelheaded John D complaining about something? I never thought I would see the day
I can’t go without sports. It’s too depressing. You’ll be back. They all come back.