Bringing an “Out Of Order” sign on your bathroom breaks so you can drop your deuces in peace. PGP.

Being publicly uninvited to group lunches. PGP.

Putting the toilet seat cover on while talking on the phone was by far the most productive thing I’ve done this month. PGP.

There was a fight outside my apartment last night. It was between two hobos for a piece of cardboard. PGP.

The Google homepage wished me a happy birthday before any human did. PGP.

Ranking your coworkers by who’s most likely to go postal. PGP.

I have a client whose last name is Bond. Every time he calls me, I say “Good evening, Mr.Bond” in an evil villain voice. He must hate me. PGP.

I have one of the nicer cars in my work lot. I drive a 2012 Camry. PGP.

My phone’s alarm jingle is the soundtrack to all of my nightmares. PGP.